17.11.18

He brushed the stray lock of hair that had escaped by hair band, off my face and stared at me.

A smiled began to spread across my face and I stiffened a giggle.

Why did he have to be so serious all the time?

I stared back at him with the same ferocity. I would beat him at his own game.

We lay there eyes fixated on the other. Not one of us wanting to be the first to give in. Each of us wanting to be a winner of a nonexistent prize.

My eyelids began to get heavy and with much hesitation they dropped.

“I beat you again,” he murmured triumphantly, sleep heavy in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” he laughed sleepily.

“I’m not,” I replied arms folded across my chest.

He pulled me by my waist until I was close to him. My body bent into his own. So close that I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

He ran a wave of kisses down my neck and pulled me closer to him.

I let out a sigh and I was lost.

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13.11.18

He grabbed ahold of my hand and marched me forward.

He didn’t say a word to me the whole way there. The only sound came from our footsteps as we trudged along the path.

When we finally got there, he dropped my hand and looked at me.

His eyes bore into me like he was searching for something, but couldn’t quite find it.

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, day; just lost in each other. Our eyes were doing the talking.

I saw pain inside of him, I wanted to tear him open and relieve him of it. I wanted to push the pain away. Make it stop.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Never removing his eyes from me.

His lips covered mine and then they were moving together. He tasted of mint and coffee, with faint hint of tobacco.

I wanted this kiss to go on forever, but as quickly as it started it was over.

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and we retraced our steps, back to the beginning.

As soon as we got back to the start he dropped my hand and walked off.

We became strangers. People who walked past each other in corridors.

He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.

But our eyes and lips told a different story.

13.10.18

A wave of nausea hit me.

I felt my knees shake and they threatened to give way.

I wanted to cry but I wouldn’t allow myself to give you that satisfaction.

My chest was heavy. My heart was breaking.

How could you?

Actually I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t think that my heart could take it.

I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction that you had got to me. That you had broken me.

You were not going to have that power over me.

Not today. Not ever.

So I was gonna suck up my unfallen tears. Refresh my makeup. And I was going to take the high road and be the bigger person.

You would never hold anything over me again.

29.08.18

The stars twinkled above me and the butterflies fluttered away inside my stomach.

A warm wave flowed within me.

I was happy.

It had been through it all and now finally I could smile again.

Dom picked up the bottle and poured me another glass. Why was he so wonderful?

I had never experienced love like this before. It was so foreign to me. I kept waiting for things to go wrong; constantly looking for red flags.

But of course I never found anything. He was pure perfection.

Why couldn’t I just allow myself to be happy?I had to stop thinking that there was an agenda behind everything.

I looked back at the Eiffel Tower basking in all of its glory. This felt like something out of a rom com.

I had always wanted to come to Paris and now I was finally here. With the man of my dreams.

I closed my eyes as I bring my glass to my lips, the aroma of the wine danced across of senses as I inhaled.

This was a night to remember.

02.08.18

I stare into your eyes and I see a lifetime, flash inside of them.

I see us meeting for the first time. I was acting silly because you had just told me that you liked me and that you had built up the courage to come and talk to me, after being intrigued by me for more than half a year. I was acting coy, pretending that I wasn’t interested in you; but really deep down I was smitten.

I continued to push you away, until I pushed too hard and you fell straight into the arms of one of my friends.

I pretended to be happy for you when you finally asked her out and then started dating.

I continued to pretend when you became exclusive and pledged your love for her.

I thought I was over you when you asked get to marry you and then had your first child together.

When the second one came, the feelings that I once had all but disappeared.

But now as I stand here, a bridesmaid in your wedding and those feelings that once were so strong have resurfaced.

As our eyes meet and your lips move, as the words of your vows fall from your lips, I see the feelings that you once had for me never left too.

As we I stare into each other’s eyes we see a life that never was.

22.06.18

silhouette of man touching woman against sunset sky

A whole smile.

He turned around and gave me a whole smile.

I felt my legs go wobbly, my stomach leaped.

The gods had heard my prayers. They had heard my weeping cries for him to notice me and now after all this time he finally had.

I wanted to unscrew my bottle and pour the whole thing over me.

What did I do next? I thought to myself. Did I smile back, did I walk over to him, did I open my mouth to talk to him? What was the protocol in this situation? What did one do?

Oh no he was turning around, I was gonna lose my chance.

This was it make or break.

My feet began to move and before I knew it I was standing right in front.

The words ‘hi’ slipped, out of my mouth before I could even stop.

He turned back around and dazzled me with his killawatt smile again and mirrored my hi.

I could’ve died, I could’ve died then and there.

This was in heaven, paradise, nirvana. I was floating in my own happiness.

15.05.16

Lauren’s hands entwined into mine, like how shoelaces bind shoes together.

It was weird how much of a perfect fit her hand was in mine. Like our hands were destined to be together.

She smelt like coconut and jasmine, a combination that you would never think would work, but on her it did. It was almost perfection.

She continued to sing, her voice hitting notes that she didn’t realise that she could reach, and the surprise in her eyes every time she met them amused me.

We were on borrowed time. But it felt like eternity whenever I was with her.

I bent my face down to meet with hers and lovingly kissed her forehead.

It was always her forehead and never her lips. Kissing on the lips was a no no. Once we did that there was no going back.

Something that was nothing more than innocent would be ruined. It would sour everything that we had.

So we stuck to forehead kisses and hand holding.

Stolen moments.

27.03.18

The kiss was long and deep and practically took her breath away.

She had wanted it to go on forever but Drake’s lips finally broke free of hers.

The disappointment began to swell. His kiss has taken her to heights that she had never experienced before and she had hoped that it would have led to something else.

A little bit of foreplay perhaps. A girl could only hope.

As if reading her mind, Drake kissed her again. But this time it was a short and sweet one. More of a goodbye I’ll see you again kiss.

Well she hoped it was a goodbye see you again kiss.

She waved goodbye to him as he turned the corner and got into his cab.

She was still on cloud 9, and couldn’t wait to call Rachel to debrief on what had gone down.

Debating whether to take a cab home, or save the money and do a £1.50 bus journey, she decided on the latter.

On the journey back she reflected on the kiss she had shared with Drake. It had been such a long time since she had kissed anyone and she was scared that she didn’t know how.

What if she had been a shit kisser. What if he thought her lips were too big, too cushiony. That she slobbered, that it was too wet. Mortification started to rise inside of her.

Maybe that’s why he given her a short kiss before he departed. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t invited her back to his. Maybe that’s why he was in such a rush to leave.

But then the first kiss had been so long and he did seem to enjoy it. So maybe it was time to shut the paranoia down.

Her phone buzzed and she looked down.

It was a text from Drake.

“Had a good time. Would love to see you again. X.”

She smiled to herself. See he did have a good time nothing to worry about.

But good wasn’t great. And he had only put one kiss. What did one kiss even mean? Maybe he really wasn’t that into her? Maybe he was only trying to be polite?

A bunch more ‘Maybe’s’ floated around and accompanied her all the way back home.

16.03.18

Her eyes locked onto mine.

The heat rose around us, her gaze intensified.

Her head inched closer to me, I felt mine edge close to hers.

We were inches apart.

I looked away, confused.

I wasn’t…

I swallowed hard.

I mean was I?

I couldn’t deny there was something between us. She made me feel something that no one else had before. But I wasn’t like that. I didn’t like girls. I didn’t… I liked men.

I looked back at her, her eyes were now looking towards the floor.

She looked hurt. Defeated. The pain radiated off her.

My hand angled towards her. I wanted to take it in mine. I wanted to soothe her. Stop her from hurting.

But my hand stayed where it was.

We sat in silence for the longest time.

None of us wanting to discuss, what had just happened between us. Hoping that the more time past, the more distant it would become.

She spoke first. Her eyes remained locked on the floor.

I closed my eyes as she spoke.

My hand reached out to her.

I felt her take mine.

03.03.18

I hurry down the stairs. The hem of my dress sweeping the steps as I descend. I will definitely be reprimanded for this later.

As usual I am late, but this time I have a good excuse. So I’m not as scared as I usually am.

I continue down the stars, hitting the final step and bump hard into Lord Julian.

We both crash onto the floor.

A thousand sorries rush from my mouth.

“Steady as you go,” he says to me as he gets up, a glint in his eye.

“I’m sorry M’Lord,” I stutter again refraining eye contact. Mother always told me that you should never look a lord in the eye. That it wasn’t proper.

He holds his hand out to me. I freeze. What was happening? Why was he holding his hand out to me? This was not right.

“Take my hand My Lady,” he speaks softly.

“I cannot M’Lord,” I sputter back. “It is not proper.”

“You have fallen. It would not be proper of me, if I allowed a lady to remain fallen on the floor.”

“I am not a lady,” I say, my eyes sinking further into the floor.

“You look like a lady from where I’m standing,” he replies.

I look up in shock. He sees me as a lady? Confusion rushes through me.

He is looking at me. His eyes don’t move.

I try to move my own, but I am stuck. Transfixed by the deep pools of blue that are staring back at me.

His brows furrow and he looks away. The spell broken. Reality setting in.

He coughs and moves his hand.

My breathe gets caught in my throat and a deep sorrow rises from the pit deep inside of me.

I slowly get up and dust myself down.

He looks back at me, as if he wishes to say something else. But his words remain unspoken.

“I must go M’Lord,” I finally say, breaking through the silence.

“As you were,” he replies. His voice hardened.

I go to leave.

I turn my head around as I reach the door and look back at him.

His eyes are burning intently at me.

He steps forward, his hands reaching towards me.

“Ah Lord Julian, there you are,” says a voice, breaking through the intensity that has begun to rise between us. “Your father has asked you to join him in his study.”

“Yes of course. Thank you Charles.”

He turns to leave. But takes one last look at me and without moving his lips he tells me that this ‘thing’ between us is far from finished.