05.12.18

The truth would come out. I could bet on it. The truth always found a way of coming out. It might not be today, tomorrow or even the next day; but trust me and I said it right here, the truth would come out.

I bent down to tie up my laces. I hated these trainers, no matter what I did they always managed to come undone. It was like someone had put a hex on me. A hex of uncontrollable laces. I don’t know why I still wore them. Force of habit I guess.

I took my phone out of my pocket and checked the time yet again. It was the fourth time in just under a minute. I hated waiting. I was a stickler for time. If I made the effort to make it somewhere on time, why couldn’t other people? I just couldn’t understand it.

I was getting frustrated. We only had one shot to get this right and time was getting out from underneath us. If he didn’t get here soon, we would run out of it completely.

I sighed and took my phone out again. My cheeks reddened as anger coursed through each and every pore. Why had he even volunteered if he couldn’t do one simple thing?

My eyes rolled in the direction of the sun and I leaned on the nearby wall for support. Who knew how long I was going to have to wait.

As soon as my back made contact with the wall, his sloping frame came in to view.

It’s done he muttered as he slowly walked past. I gave him a curt nod and pulled down my balaclava.

It was go time. Time for the wheels to start turning.

The truth would be out in no time at all.

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20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

30.09.18

Did you ever love me?

I ponder on this more than I should.

Memories of your arms around me, squeezing me to your chest and never wanting to let me go, are so distant to me now. I can’t make out if they are real or whether I made them up.

Do you look at me with love in your eyes and the willingness for my life to be better or do you just look at me with contempt?

I know I’m a disappointment to you. I feel it every time you’re near, every time you take a breathe, every time your heart takes a beat.

No ones love is as important to me than yours.

I wish I could make you proud. I wish I was the reason why you smile. I want you to love me the way that I still love you.

09.09.18

conmanWolf in sheep’s clothing.

You come round here with your slick suits and manipulate your way into people’s lives. Get your feet under the table, set your roots deep within the soil and then when the iron is still hot you strike.

You reveal your true colours, show us who you really are. But now it’s too late. We can’t escape from you. We are too far gone.

You continue on with your oily words. Trying to manipulate all those around you. Trying to convince them that you’re a good person, but you’re not.

You are the worst thing to have ever walked in here. You are the poison and there is no antidote.

You cheat, lie commit the worst atrocities. Again and again, worming and sneaking. And again and again, you are let off. Warmth is rewarded after the storm.

You will never change. You can only get worse. Sitting high up in your comfort zone. Thinking that you are better than everyone else. BelievingĀ in your own lies. Getting off Scott-free.

But I see you. I know the real you. The spell wore off me and you will never again gain my respect.

You are less to me. I don’t even pity you. You disgust me. The more breathe that continues to flow through your respiratory system, the greater I hate you.

Images of your death please me. Your tyranny in my life will end. The power over me that you believe you have, will cease to exist and you will become nothing more than a faded memory.

 

02.01.18

Tears streamed down my face, fogging up my glasses.

I couldn’t see where I was going, but all I knew was that I had to get out of here.

That I wanted to be anywhere else’s but here.

My stomach turned and I began to silently heave,but no vomit came.

I felt dizzy. My head felt wrong. I couldn’t focus. My eyes stung.

I tried to breathe in and out but my chest was too heavy.

The heat built up around me.

I made my way to the door and pushed down hard on the handle.

With two hard pushes the handle released and the door sprung open.

I was met by the cold night’s air. I gulped down the oxygen as I stepped outside.

My knees buckled and I crashed to the floor.

Don’t look back my inner voice screamed.

I got up, and steadied my feet.

I took my glasses off and wiped them on the sleeve of my hoodie. It would leave streaks but at least I would be able to see.

What had just happened? Was I really there?

I shook it out of my head as tears threatened to fall again.

No. Don’t.

I continued to walk down the street.

I passed person after person; going about their normal evenings. Living their normal lives.

How could they be so calm, so oblivious, so unaware?

I envied them. I wished that I could go back to being as clueless as them.

But I couldn’t I could never go back. I had opened up something that I could never close.

Where did I go from here? How could life ever be normal again?

I continued to walk into the night.