08.12.18

Eyes heavy. Soul heavy. Body heavy. Joy gone.

Love lived here once upon a time, but it’s long since gone. Cobwebs dot the corners of a once happy home.

I clench and unclench my fist as I lay flat out on my bed. Spots of sunlight peak through holes in the curtain.

I want to get up but I can’t. I’m so weary. I’m weak. I feel heavy. Squashed.

I’m forgotten here. Here I forget.

A smile appears on my face and disappears soon after. My heart beats a steady pace.

I’m at peace. I could be happy. I’m ready to move on. But how can I move on? Life is a rollercoaster and mine is the coaster in the wild, the one that doesn’t stop even when the leaver is pulled. My coaster keeps on going until is crashes into the other coasters and makes a bloody mess.

I am a mess.

I need to get up. But I don’t want to.

I need to get up, but I can’t.

Get. Up.

Advertisements

04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

27.11.18

My chest felt heavy and I was struggling to breathe. I leaned my left hand on the wall to steady myself.

My other hand tossed the laddered tights across the room. I wanted them far away from me.

My head pounded and my throat was dry. I thought to the last time I drank some water, but my mind was blank.

Why couldn’t I remember?

Bile began to bubble in my empty stomach. But I refused to throw up. I wasn’t gonna allow something else to take control of me.

Fatigue hit me like a hard slap across the face. My eyes felt so heavy. All I wanted to do was fall into a crumpled heap right there on the mottled grey carpet. But my body wouldn’t let me.

I wish I had stayed at home. I wish I could press reset on this whole day and start again from the beginning…

My arms stretched before I opened my eyes. I smiled, excited for another day on this earth. I wondered what amazingness was in front of me.

26.11.18

I was fine. I knew I was fine. This is was just a tiny little blip. Something we all experienced whenever things were riding high. Something bad had to happen in order to break up the goodness and let us know what the good things were.

This didn’t mean that it was all going to come crashing down. This wasn’t the end. It was just one small tiny blip.

Something we could get over.

He loved me. It was just a moment of madness. One tiny little moment. Nothing really.

We could move forward, get over this. Forget it had happened. Pretend. Like it had never happened. Like it had never truly ever been a thing. A figment of our warped imagination.

We were fine. We were happy. We were moving on.

But it had happened. It had!

And now where were we stuck in this limbo. This moment of loss.

All because of one tiny little mistake.

A little blip.

25.11.18

Frustrated tears and frustrated fears, shake the core of me. I am not the girl I used to be. Strangeness lives here now.

Mirrors don’t reflect a person that I recognise. How have I become a person that I once despised.

I want to claw at my face, dig deep until the real me is discovered.

I am a liar. A fraud. I shouldn’t be here. I should be thrown from way up high and destroyed.

I am a useless entity, existing only for the fun and games of another.

Why am I here?

I want to bash my head against the wall, until the memories of yesterday reappear and remind me of what the purpose of this quest really is.

Who am I?

I am a coward. A fool.

Why can’t I face my sins and start again?

Why can’t I be the person I was meant to be from the start?

24.11.18

The distain I felt for you was getting more and more harder for me to hide.

It was beginning to get difficult for me to smile when I really wanted to cut my eyes at you. To laugh at your unfunny jokes when all I wanted to do was push you.

Could you see how I really felt about you?

Was this all just a pretend dance that we both kept dancing just to get through the day?

Would we continue until we dropped down out of exhaustion?

If only the answers were out in the open. If only we could just be honest with each other. But it wasn’t as simple as that.

We were supposed to be in love. People looked upon us a an amazing couple, a dream team. We were #couplegoals. People aspired to one day have what we had. How could we shatter their dreams? Let them know this was a facade, that there was no such thing as the perfect couple, as the perfect love story.

So we continued on every day, smiling and laughing. Covering up the deep distain, hurt and hate we had for each other.

23.11.18

I almost forgot who I was.

Almost forgot that I was a living, breathing human. That there was actually a reason for me being here.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that there were people that loved me and people that I loved.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that I was important, even when I didn’t really believe that. That no matter what I really thought about myself, there was someone amazing wrapped up deep down inside.

I almost forgot.

Almost forgot that I had dreams and aspirations. That I valued my future and wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my goals.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot what it really meant to be alive.

21.11.18

Small drops of blood splattered down onto the floor.

I looked on in horror. A bubbling sensation began to stir inside of me and I began to wretch.

Hot bile spewed out of my mouth.

I had never seen a dead body before. It wasn’t something you came across every day, especially not in this small town. Dead bodies didn’t just appear out of no where. People died in hospitals, inside of their homes. Behind closed doors.

Not here in the open.

I wanted to step around him. Close my eyes and rewind time so I didn’t have to see it. But you couldn’t rewind time and that shocked look on his face would be forever etched on my skull.

Why had he done it?

I guess I would never know why. Tears had begun to fall, without me realising I had started to cry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Our short but intense life together began to dance across my mind. I would miss him like crazy. My heart hurt.

Why had he done this?

Why had he done this to me?

To me?

He knew I would be the one to find him. He must’ve known.

Why did he rob me of my last moment with him? Why did he force this on to me?

Floods of red pounded in my skull. I was angry. Angry, hurt and sad all rolled into one.

15.11.18

Denial and grief shook my body.

This was not right, it wasn’t fair.

I felt my heartbeat quicken. Oxygen had stopped moving through my body, air was trapped in my throat. It was like I was drowning.

I needed to get out of here now.

I raced towards the nearest door and burst through it.

The cool air was a welcome distraction. The wind swept across my face, wiping away the salt from my tears.

I sat down on the bench and put my head in between my knees.

Just take a few deep breaths I said to myself. It will all be over soon. Just keep breathing.

When I had finally lulled myself to a state of calmness, I brought my head back up.

I could do this. I could get myself through this.