26.05.18

I’m back.

I’m sorry that I had to go, but it was important that I left.

I didn’t want my poison to infect you. To dent your smooth soul.

I didn’t want you to mirror what you saw in me, to follow in my footsteps.

I’m back now and I hope it’s not too late.

I hope we still get to great create new memories, as well as the old ones we shared.

I will never leave again, I promise.

I am here to stay.

Rain, sun, come what may, by your side I will remain.

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23.05.18

I carry your sins on my back, your pain and all your woes.

You think your alone in this all, that your the only one struggling. But it affects me too. Everything you go through, I go through to.

I experience your blowback.

When you’re happy I’m happy. When your sad I’m sad.

I’m your mirror image. Your carbon copy.

But I’m not you. I’m me.

I want to focus on my own live. Live out every second of my own, without worrying about you.

The sins of a parent run deep.

Please let me free.

Let me spread my wings and soar. Don’t leave me to fester in all of your burdens.

Let me be me.

18.05.18

Bloodshot red and burning, the tears peppered my eyes.

I rolled over onto my side to check my phone for the umpteenth time.

Still no missed call. No text, nothing. This time it seriously was over.

But why did I feel so broken?

I should be hanging upside down from a chandelier, celebrating my newfound freedom.

It’s not like he was even a catch really. He was the worst kind of human and I was way too good for him.

But he had something about him, that attracted me to him like a fly on shit and I was lost in everything that he was.

I could kick myself now, thinking back in how dumb I had been. How I had hung off every false word that rolled of his tongue.

I wanted to tear my heart out of my chest and stomp on it. I was angry, how could I still pine for someone who had treated me so rotten.

But the heart wants what the heart wants, and it had only been a day.

I would cry for now; allow the streaks of too long worn mascara to run down my cheeks and then build myself back up to a point, where I was strong enough not to go back to him.

14.05.18

Every time there’s an Up there’s a down. Every time I go left, life goes right.

I never walk on the same path, as where I want to go.

My destination is always further than my reach.

My lungs are raw from lack of oxygen, my eyes no longer see a beautiful horizon.

My insides are decaying and my mind is rotting.

My life ended years ago.

I feel like a hollow tube of flesh, no bones, no muscle, no life.

My very existence is scattered across the globe in mini particles.

I am nothing.

10.05.18

My eyes stung from the tears that I had long since cried.

I needed to snap out of it. I was done being sad, done feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to get up and fucking boogie, dance the night away.

That was it, I was going to do it. I was gonna go out and have a good time.

I pulled out my favourite LBD and heels to match and dumped my makeup bag onto my bed allowing the contents to fall out onto the bedspread.

This was it, I was gonna put on my dress, heels and makeup and I was going to paint the town red.

But as my hands wavered over the mascara my inner demon came out to play.

I wasn’t ready for this. This was not the right time, the right moment.

I picked up my makeup and placed each piece back into the bag and climbed into my bed.

The trails of long forgotten tears were soon replaced with fresh new ones.

The pain was too deep, it was never going to be the right moment.

05.05.18

Misty continued down the path, placing one foot carefully in front of the other. Just a few more steps she thought to herself.

She steadied her breathe and continued on.

Finally her foot nestled into the soft yet firm sand. It was warm. She placed her second foot on the sand and smiled to herself, she had made it.

She turned around to Jack, tears were streaming down his face as he watched on.

This was their beach, the place that the had fallen in love in, the place they had vowed to love each other till there dying breaths. It was only right that she had come here.

She continued to walk on, closing her eyes and allowing the sea to speak to her.

This had always been her happy place.

Her legs began to feel tired, but she didn’t want her weaknesses to defeat her, so she carried on until she came to the edge of the sea.

She sat down, allowing the water to brush against her feet.

Jack followed shortly after and sat next to her. He carefully placed the basket that he had been holding next to him and opened it.

He handed Misty a glass and began to pour the bottle of Prosecco that he had packed. His hands shook as he poured the liquid all the way to the rim of the glass.

She smiled at him as she slowly brought the glass to her lips and took a sip.

She looked so peaceful.

He wasn’t ready. He turned around, so that he could wipe away the fresh tears that were beginning to form.

Misty began to hum, it was the same song that she had hummed all those years ago, when they had first met. Her a failed art student and him a tired and lonely banker, both seeking something more. Not knowing that they had sought out their equal pairing.

Misty placed her empty glass next to her and snuggled against Jack’s chest.

He wrapped his arms around her as they sat in silence watching the sun begin its decent, a crimson glow filling the sky.

These were the moments he would remember. The times when they would escape here and dance under the nights sky. Embraced by the twinkling stars. The times they watched the sun set and the times they had watched it rise.

He had never felt more alive when he was here with her and she when she was her with him.

This was their home.

Jack stayed still watching as the sun finally disappeared, long after Misty had taken her final breath.

In the darkness, he carried her up into his arms and walked back into the world.

04.05.18

The day had consisted of Google searches of “Will my vagina close up if I haven’t had sex in 10 years?” “Exercises to grow a booty”, and “How to lose belly fat in less than a week”.

I was starting to lose my mind.

Handing in my notice had seemed like such a good idea. Fantasies of staying at home sipping on herbal tea and living my best life, drifted through my head as I typed up mindless drivel that meant nothing to me for 37.5 hours a week.

Instead, the reality was I barely got out of bed; mattress springs were playing havoc on my back and I had put on a shit ton of weight.

Plus I literally had no one to speak to. My pillow had become my new best friend, as well as my pretend boyfriend. Such a promotion!

I had to get out of the house and do something.

But what?

I wasn’t about to spend non existent bus fare, on a journey to nowheresville.

What could a bored generation X’r on the wrong side of 25 do with herself?

See there I went again. Making excuses to stay in my pit. Nope, I was making an escape. I was just gonna go with the flow.

I searched around for a pair of leggings and proceeded to find every other pair of black clothing I owned, except for said pair of leggings.

Defeated, I decided to wear a dress. No sooner had I finished struggling with a pair of tights, that were protesting on going any further than the middle of my thighs; did I spot said pair of leggings, casually chilling on the other side of the room. Where I had tossed them two days ago, when I had ventured to the nearest Tesco Express and cheered myself up with a Chicken Fajita wrap meal deal.

Sighing, I pulled the tights off, debating whether to keep them for when I was ‘skinny’ or toss them in the bin for their disrespect. Deciding on the former, I added them to the pile on my chair that had now become my new wardrobe.

I pulled on the leggings. Admiring the power they possessed as they sucked in all of my wobbly bits and gave off the illusion that my legs and spare tyre were toned.

I walked down the stairs and grabbed my coat and hat from the cupboard.

I opened the door, allowing the sunlight to stream into the darkness.

Fresh air greeted me and the birds sang their jubilant song. I felt as if I was in a Disney film.

Armed with my Oyster card and £10 I had transferred from my savings account, I was ready to explore. I didn’t know what yet, but anything was better than being cooped up in the darkness surrounded by loneliness and stale air.

02.05.18

I had forgotten. Something that I had done more than 100 times before, something that was imprinted on my brain that it had become second nature; I had forgotten to do.

How could I have been so stupid?

I turned on my heal and walked back towards the house.

As I walked back up my driveway I looked up into the sky. The sun was beaming down and there were barely any clouds in the sky. Today would be a good day to plant my Pogonias I thought to myself.

I put the key into the lock, turning it twice until I heard the mechanism inside pop and the door released.

Tom was sat in his as usual chair. The top of his hair was beginning to grey now and was becoming a lot more thinner.

To think it once had been his pride and joy was laughable now. He used to swat my hand away whenever I came near it.

The higher it was, the better.

It never moved, just stayed there solid on top of his head.

I walked over to Tom and sat on the edge of the chair and took his hand into mine.

I would give anything for him to swat my hand away now. Anything to hear his laughter. Telling me I was being a sappy sod.

I kissed him on the top of his head and stroked his hand, as he gazed into the black box in front of him.

I wondered if he still knew that I loved him, if he still loved me?

Was the part of him I had fallen in love with all those years still there?

“I’ll be back in a minute love,” I said to him as I rose to my feet. “I’m just popping out to get some milk. Love you.”

I leaned against the front door as it closed against my back. I fought the tears, but they won the battle as they trailed down my face.

How could I have forgotten, after all of these years together. How did u forget to tell him I loved him.

01.05.18

I stared blankly at the wall, studying the dots of oil stains.

I tried to imagine the people that had lived here before me. I wondered if they had been happy. Or if the home had ever been a sad one.

Did laughter live here? Or were the walls stained with remnants of their tears?

I picked up my wallpaper stripper and began to peel back the wallpaper.

I was greeted by layers and layers of multicolour and patterns. Years of stories cemented by glue and paper.

I stopped and put down the wallpaper stripper. I stared at a lonely patch of wallpaper that hung to the now bare wall.

How did I go from happiness and unknowingness, to pain and sorrow in the blink of an eye?

How did a place that once brought me so much joy, haunt me so much?

I should have spotted it. I was good at those things, or so I used to think I was.

How could I let so much time pass by and not know?

I laughed to myself. Maybe I always did but I just didn’t want to admit it.

Maybe I was happy living in the lie, because knowing had brought me here.

30.04.18

I reached my arms out in front of me and slowly lowered my butt to the ground.

Just five more and I would hit my 100 squat minimum.

Soon I would be perfect.

I would finally be the girl that he wanted. Not this flabby piece of shit I woke up to every morning.

Three more to go.

I smiled to myself, I could see the finish line so clearly.

I would get there, I could do it.

One!

I picked my towel up and wiped the sweat off my forehead.

Walking over to my vanity table, I opened up my pill case and lifted up Tuesday’s flap. I poured the pills into the palm of my hand. Five different shaped pills smiled up as me.

I opened my mouth and placed them onto my tongue. Picking up the nearby glass of water, I placed it to my lips and allowed the cool liquid to fill my mouth.

I swallowed.

The pills were rough against my throat so I had to take another sip.

Soon I would be thin and this would all be worth it.

I would finally be the pretty one.

I walked back over to my workout space and lay down on my back and began a set of crunches.

This would all be worth it.

He would never laugh behind my back and call me a fat fuck again.