12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

Advertisements

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

06.10.18

Forgotten stories fluttered all around us.

Memories unwritten. Lost never to be found again.

My heart yearned for days gone past.

Looking into your eyes I couldn’t see the person I was searching for. Staring back was a stranger.

My stomach flipped.

How had it gotten to this?

I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you. To be close to you again.

But you weren’t you.

You were cold.

There was a wall and you were keeping me out.

I missed you.

I wanted the real you back. Not this stranger who had taken over.

Why were you doing this?

What had happened to the person who had claimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

How could you go from loving someone to not, in the blink of an eye?

I was lost. More than confused.

I just wanted you back.

I silently screamed at you. I envisioned myself shaking you until you snapped out of it.

Until you took back your words and loved me again.

04.10.18

The cool evening air continued to caress my cheeks as I marched on.

I was nearly there. Home.

If I could even call it that anymore.

It hadn’t felt like home in such a long time.

I felt like an imposter, a stranger in another’s man’s home.

How had it come to this?

How did a place that used to radiate so much love and happiness become so sour.

My heart cried out for days long give.

When laugher filled the hallways and the air wasn’t stale with fear.

My hand hovered over the key hole and I felt my heart stop.

This was not my home.

02.10.18

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel your arms around me.

To show me that you loved me.

To make me feel important.

To make me feel like I was valued.

All that I’ve ever wanted was to feel wanted.

To know that my life was important. That I was important.

That I existed for a reason.

That there was a reason for me being here.

It’s not too much to ask. I’m not asking for something that is unattainable.

Just one small tiny little action, that speaks louder than words.

That shouts down to everyone that can hear. That you love me. That you’ve always loved me and always will.

But you can’t can you?

You just can’t do it.

Admitting you love me goes against everything you stand for.

You can’t show your humanity. You can’t allow the metal shield to be dropped. Thaw out your coldness.

Expose the real you.

And because of that I suffer. Because of that I feel less than, worthless, unimportant.

Because of that I am unloved.

30.09.18

Did you ever love me?

I ponder on this more than I should.

Memories of your arms around me, squeezing me to your chest and never wanting to let me go, are so distant to me now. I can’t make out if they are real or whether I made them up.

Do you look at me with love in your eyes and the willingness for my life to be better or do you just look at me with contempt?

I know I’m a disappointment to you. I feel it every time you’re near, every time you take a breathe, every time your heart takes a beat.

No ones love is as important to me than yours.

I wish I could make you proud. I wish I was the reason why you smile. I want you to love me the way that I still love you.

29.09.18

Why was it always me?

Good things were meant to come in threes right?

Right?

Why did it feel that good things were just bad things masked in sugar and sparkly lights?

I was tired.

So tired of everything going wrong.

I wanted the weight off my shoulders. I wanted to breathe.

Relax. Feel free.

Why was I being robbed of my chance to live a real life?

Why was there so many obstacles in my way of achieving what I deserved?

I guess I would never get my answers.

I guess I was destined to always be that one step behind.

28.09.18

Daydreams of me floating away are becoming ever more frequent.

Life is hard.

It’s more than tough.

The older I get the more I realise how hard it is.

I’ve become weak. The strength inside is depleting day after day.

I’ve lost my nerve. I’m a wreck.

My achievements distant memories. My failures permanent tattoos.

I’ve cried a lake of tears. I’ve cried more tears in a day, than I used to in a week.

Who am I? Am I even normal?

Everything makes me either mad or sad.

The joy is lost inside of me and therefore everyone else deserves to suffer.

Why should others get to laugh and smile, while they remain foreign concepts to me?

Why do others get to be happy when I’m trapped in a pit of doom and gloom?

Every day is a battle to change, change my mindset, change my outlook. But how?

I have no one guiding me, no one to lean on for support.

The world around me is nothing but water and I’m sinking deeper to the bottom. To an unexplored unknown and I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of life now than I have ever been.

The knots in my stomach are getting harder to detangle.

Will there ever be an end to my suffering? Will I ever see normal?

24.09.18

I took a deep inhale in.

My fingers wouldn’t stay still. I kept tapping the side of my bag. It somehow gave me comfort.

I couldn’t stay still. Staying still would mean pausing. And pausing would mean existing for more time without you.

So I continued to tap the side of my bag.

Every now and then I glanced up at the timetable. There were 5 minutes left. 5 more minutes of you not being here.

My heartbeat quickened.

Please be coming.

Please don’t let it be a lie.

I took another deep breathe. I tried to steady my hands, but they continued to tap away.

5 turned into 4, into 3, into 2. Until there was only 1 minute separating us.

I had waited so many years for this moment.

I had never given up hope.

I took a final deep breath and walked towards the door.

Before my hand even touched the engraved metal plate that said push, there you were.

Standing there.

In front of me.

Real.

I felt my spirit leave my body as it joined with yours.

You were really here.

I stood frozen.

I couldn’t move.

Was this a dream?

Would I wake up soon?

You walked over to me and enveloped me into you body.

I could smell that familiar smell that I had missed so much. That I had craved to smell once more.

I was in your arms again and I never wanted to leave them.

We stood there for a while. Just being.