20.07.18

Alone again. Forgotten.

I was never part of a ‘them’ or a ‘we’.

I was the unwanted toy that wasn’t part of the Christmas time rush. Stuck on the top shelf collecting dust, with the threat of a bright orange reduced sticker looming in my future.

Why was I never asked if I wanted to come? Why was I never chosen?

Countless nights of tears had been shed over these pondering wonders.

Maybe I just wasn’t good enough.

I didn’t fit the ideal picture of what perfection was. I was the bright spark in a pastel peach setting.

I didn’t fit in.

I was the odd one out.

There but forgettable.

One day I would be loved the way that I deserved to be. One day I would be someone’s number one. I would be the prize.

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19.07.18

My head was spinning.

I was caught in a lie. There was no getting out of this now.

Her eyes were clamped down on my own, searching for evidence that she didn’t need.

What was wrong with me? Why did I always do this?

It was like I wasn’t happy being happy. I always had to go that one step too far and ruin everything.

I gulped back my drink and tried to avoid her gaze.

My mind began to calculate ways to escape this interrogation.

But it wasn’t going to work, not this time.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

17.07.18

The ash fell from the sky like falling snow flakes.

My ears were still ringing from the first explosion, so I couldn’t hear the screams.

But I could see.

I could see the place that I had once loved so dearly; the place that I had turned from a babe, into a girl and then into a young woman destroyed. My home was gone.

Bodies lay strewn. Blood caked to those who had survived. Children clung to frenzied parents looking for survivors.

This was not supposed to happen.

There was supposed to be peace now. We were supposed to move forward, rebuild; strive to be the best that we could be.

I felt something escape my lips. I was screaming. Hot tears peppered my cheeks.

Someone rushed over to me and pulled me out of the rubble.

My hand was still attached to his. As they pulled me away, my fingers released his.

I watched his body grow smaller and smaller as I was carried away from him.

The only man I had ever loved gone.

We had been snuggled up on the sofa watching TV, when the sirens began.

We didn’t even have time to escape, before the first bomb struck.

We didn’t even get to say goodbye.

He had held onto my hand and covered my body with his own.

He would’ve done anything for me.

The ash continued to rain down on us.

This was never going to end.

16.07.18

I hate summer. I hate everything about it.

I hate the heat, the sweat. The smell of bad body odour, oozing out of dirty people that don’t bathe.

I mean how do you smell that bad in the morning? How?

I hate how it makes me want to just lay around all day and how I never have any energy. I hate the mugginess and how the air always feels heavy.

I hate having to pour endless amounts of sticky sun protection on that turns my skin purple.

I hate having to sleep with the fan on. And feeling cold even though I’m hot.

I hate always being thirsty and how drinks never seem to last long enough for me to enjoy. I hate that there’s never any ice in the ice cube tray when you need it.

I hate restless nights, getting on the tube, uncomfortable clothing, moths bouncing on the ceiling when you leave your windows open.

I hate everything.

Roll on the winter I say.

14.07.18

I’m stripping off and stepping into the limelight and I don’t care who sees me.

You might’ve been afraid. You might’ve been ashamed, but I’m tired of fading into the background. Being your dirty little secret. I deserve so much more than you.

How dare you put yourself so high up on a pedestal and try to make me feel so much lower than I actually am.

Why do I have to feel privileged to be with you? You should feel privileged to be with me.

Today I’m stepping outside of the shadows. Stepping out from behind you, to the front of the stage, because I have a voice and a face. And I’m no ones guilt anything.

14.07.18

I see you.

Whenever you feel lost and alone and think that there is no hope. That there is nothing more than the shitty situation you are in, just know that I see you.

You are not alone. You are not unloved. You are stronger than you know.

For every bad thought that you think about yourself know this; every day you wake up, you are one step closer to beating it. You are powerful, you have survived and beaten another 365 days. Another 52 weeks. You have overcome trauma and you have overcome pain.

Even though it might seem hard now, there is a future for you. You are a part of this story. You are an important character. Your whole existence allows this story to continue. Without you, the story would remain an unfinished chapter.

Like the fingerprints that identify you, you are unique in every sense. Not one other person can ever be you. No one could ever duplicate you. Whenever you feel like you are not important, look deep inside of yourself and shut that feeling down. Shut down the voice that says you are not enough. Shut it down and push it away.

You are important. You are more than enough. You are not less than, you are more than.

You are a survivor. A warrior battling through the black seas of life. You are stronger than you know.

Never feel ashamed of who you are. Don’t feel that you need to hide away, shirk of into the shadows. You are way to important to just fade away.

You are loved and you are admired.

You matter.

I see you.

13.07.18


I didn’t plan on being late all the time. It just kind of happened. It’s like I fell into lateness. All these things happen around me and bam, late!

No matter what I do to try and stop the lateness nothing works. I leave 1 hour early and I can still be 1 hour late. It just doesn’t make any sense.

It’s like I’m jinxed.

Someone has put a curse on me that seems to be unbreakable.

All I want to do is be on time to the things that matter. But time has never been and never will be kind to me.

It seems happy sitting up on its throne and making my life a living hell.

I should just embrace it I guess. Just accept that I will never, ever be on time. I will just continue to keep on living knowing that I will always miss out on the beginning of something. Sad I know but what can I do?

I just can’t seem to ever be on time.

Maybe if I scrunch my face up really tight, wish upon a star and scream at the top of my lungs that I believe in fairies; maybe this curse will finally be lifted.

Or maybe I will just sink into a vacuum of time and never be seen again.

Well at least then I won’t be late.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

11.07.18

deflated balloonA balloon, once filled with so much hope and a yearning to reach new heights; now flat, tangled up in branches and lost and forgotten about.

You once were the only thing on my mind. You got me up in the morning. The yearning to see your face and be in your presence, helped give me that extra kick I needed to start my day.

Rank tasting coffee, packed tube carriages and unwanted greetings of stale body odourĀ  were all worth it just knowing that I was going to see you.

That smile. Your teeth all sparkly white and straight on the surface, yet hiding a secret tooth on the left side of your mouth that wasn’t so perfect, but perfect to me.

Your brown eyes, deep pools that ran tingles of desire through me whenever you looked my way.

Your face, perfection in every single sense. A distraction to the dull and bleak world that encapsulated me. You were a dream, that leapt out of my head and became a reality.

I could listen to you speak for hours, months, days, for all eternity.

I should have known that you were to good to be true.

No one can ever be that perfect. It wasn’t possible.

We had a future together and then you went and ruined it.

I had spent months creating a non physical mood board in my head of what our future would be like. How you would finally ask me out. How you would take me to the zoo for our first date and we would bond over our mutual love of monkeys. Our magical engagement story. The gown I would wear on our wedding day, the tears that you would cry when you saw me for the first time. The births of all three of our children. Two girls and a boy. The first house we would live in, the house you would build for me.

Poof. All gone just like that. A happy and amazing life all ruined by you.

How could you do this to me?

You led me on. Teasing me with that damn smile. The swagger of your walk as you strode across the office. The smell of your cologne as you passed by me in the kitchen, to go and make your morning coffee. Black with two sugars and an extra spoon that you put in, when you didn’t think that any one was watching.

I had loved you for so long that I couldn’t remember a time before you. It never occurred to me that you could ever be so cruel.

How could you bring her here? To our space, this wasn’t her office she didn’t work here. How could you betray me in such a way.

So here I sit, watching as you parade her around the office. Watching that finger, that is sinking under the weight of the massive sparkler that encases it.

It should’ve been me.