20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

19.11.18

Tired wasn’t even the word that I could use to describe what I was feeling right now.

It was something way more than tiredness.

If I didn’t get to a seat soon I would keel over.

I was overworked and under slept. I had to start taking care of myself. It wasn’t going to do me any good to keep pushing myself like this.

I looked sheepishly over to the chairs that were occupied. If one person would look at me and see me, they would see that I was half gone.

But of course no one did, and if anyone did they weren’t looking to give anything up. Seats were like gold and no one was willing to give up gold.

I continued to stand silently wishing bad fortune on all the badmind people that had allowed me to struggle on.

Bastards the lot of them. Karma was a bitch and I hoped it came down hard on them with a vengeance.

18.11.18

The cold bit at my feet. By the time I got home I wasn’t going to have any toes left.

I looked back up at the bus timetable. Still 12 minutes, 12 more minutes of standing alone at a bus stop, music and entertainment free, in the middle of winter. Minus temperatures. This was the worst day of my life.

All I wanted to do was cry. But there was no use crying over spilt milk.

I had to suck it up, I had experienced was worse than this. This was nothing.

I looked back up. Still 12 minutes. I felt the anger bubble up inside of me. No this was wrong it had to be wrong. It had been saying 12 minutes for the last 3 minutes. Something wasn’t right here.

All I wanted to do was go home. Curl up in front of the telly with a takeaway and a fizzy drink. But instead I was stuck outside suffering, waiting for a bus in that seemed like it was never actually going to come.

You couldn’t write this shit.

Just when I had given up all hope, my cheeks and nose red from the cold and crying, I caught a haze of red in my bloodshot eyes.

A trickle of celebration ran through me, but I was too frozen to allow the physical reactions to manifest in my body.

This must’ve been what happiness was. Because right now, I don’t think I could’ve been anything else.

17.11.18

He brushed the stray lock of hair that had escaped by hair band, off my face and stared at me.

A smiled began to spread across my face and I stiffened a giggle.

Why did he have to be so serious all the time?

I stared back at him with the same ferocity. I would beat him at his own game.

We lay there eyes fixated on the other. Not one of us wanting to be the first to give in. Each of us wanting to be a winner of a nonexistent prize.

My eyelids began to get heavy and with much hesitation they dropped.

“I beat you again,” he murmured triumphantly, sleep heavy in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” he laughed sleepily.

“I’m not,” I replied arms folded across my chest.

He pulled me by my waist until I was close to him. My body bent into his own. So close that I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

He ran a wave of kisses down my neck and pulled me closer to him.

I let out a sigh and I was lost.

16.11.18

I stared at him. My mouth agape.

He repeated it, a small devilish smile flicked across his face.

Small little lighting bolts began to bubble deep inside of me. I felt my cheeks flush.

I was furious. If he thought I was a handful before, he hadn’t seen anything yet.

I got up from my seat, extended my arm and slapped him hard across his check. So hard, that his eyes bulged out and the cut of steak that he had been chewing on for what felt like a decade, flew out of his mouth and went skidding across the floor.

The hubbub of chatter that had been the soundtrack to this short and extremely unpleasant evening, came to an abrupt stop.

People trying their hardest, but not hard enough to pretend that they weren’t trying to find out what the cause of the slap was.

I picked up my bag and without giving him a look, I made my way towards the door. Bitch I heard him mumble as I my hand reached out the open it.

I stopped.

I hated that word. It stung.

Slowly I turned around and marched back over to him. I picked up the bottle of 1985 or whatever year it was and poured the whole thing over him.

A river of red flowed across his crops white shirt. His hands flailing about him, as he spluttered.

I dropped the bottle letting it crash to the floor and continued on with my exit.

Blind dates sucked.

15.11.18

Denial and grief shook my body.

This was not right, it wasn’t fair.

I felt my heartbeat quicken. Oxygen had stopped moving through my body, air was trapped in my throat. It was like I was drowning.

I needed to get out of here now.

I raced towards the nearest door and burst through it.

The cool air was a welcome distraction. The wind swept across my face, wiping away the salt from my tears.

I sat down on the bench and put my head in between my knees.

Just take a few deep breaths I said to myself. It will all be over soon. Just keep breathing.

When I had finally lulled myself to a state of calmness, I brought my head back up.

I could do this. I could get myself through this.

14.11.16

The brush moved back and forth over the oil stain. But no matter the ferocity used it would not fade.

I wiped away the beads of sweat that had began to form on my forehead.

This was bullshit.

This was complete and utter bullshit.

I should be upstairs with everyone else. Not down here doing this.

I was annoyed. I had spent the whole week preparing for the forty-nine guests, who had stepped foot over the threshold tonight. He only did odd numbers. Even numbers made him feel uneasy. Odd numbers made him feel powerful.

I had planned every single intricate detail, like my life depended on it. Putting my blood, sweat and tears into it all and how did he reward me? By punishing me. Forcing me to stay down here whilst drips of laughter spilled through the floor boards.

Bastard.

I hated him. But yet I loved him all the same. Emotions became tangled in this game. Feelings had no end and no beginning.

I heard footsteps descend down the stairs. They paused at the door. A part of me wanted to scream, to bang on the door and beg to be let out.

But I knew now. I knew that no matter how hard I banged no matter how loudly I shouted. No one would get me.

Another set of footsteps followed the previous and hushed but excited voices flowed through the cracks in the door.

I placed my ears on the door to listen.

The lust from the man’s voice was deep and raw, as was his partners. Talking, turned to kisses and images of their hot and steamy embrace flittered through my mind. A rush of warmth ran through my body and I sprang from the door as if it had burnt me.

I scuttled back over to the oil stain and continued to brush away at it with sad strokes.

13.11.18

He grabbed ahold of my hand and marched me forward.

He didn’t say a word to me the whole way there. The only sound came from our footsteps as we trudged along the path.

When we finally got there, he dropped my hand and looked at me.

His eyes bore into me like he was searching for something, but couldn’t quite find it.

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, day; just lost in each other. Our eyes were doing the talking.

I saw pain inside of him, I wanted to tear him open and relieve him of it. I wanted to push the pain away. Make it stop.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Never removing his eyes from me.

His lips covered mine and then they were moving together. He tasted of mint and coffee, with faint hint of tobacco.

I wanted this kiss to go on forever, but as quickly as it started it was over.

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and we retraced our steps, back to the beginning.

As soon as we got back to the start he dropped my hand and walked off.

We became strangers. People who walked past each other in corridors.

He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.

But our eyes and lips told a different story.

12.11.18

It didn’t feel real and yet it was. As soon as I looked into his eyes I knew.

His whole world had just been crushed, the rug had been pulled from underneath his feet.

I rushed over to him and put my arms around him. He squeezed me hard and lay his head on my shoulder. I felt his hot tears, as they fell onto the back of my neck.

All 5 foot 11 of him shook, as the grief that he had been holding in tore through him and was finally released.

I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He was always there for me; doing the littlest things to make sure I was happy. Now it was my turn. I would be there. Be the rock that he needed, but I felt helpless. I knew nothing I could say would make it better. He would never be the same again.

All I could do was be there for him. Help him through this painful time. Be the ear that he needed and open arms.

I would make sure that he would never be alone. I would be here for him. I wasn’t going anywhere.