15.06.18

The pain shot through every part of my body.

I tried to do pain replacement, but it didn’t work. I mean how could it when everything and every place hurt.

I lay in there for what felt like eternity and reflected on my life and the decisions and choices that I had made.

Some of the things were good and some of them were bad. There were things I cherished and things that I would change if I could go back in time.

But no matter how right or wrong, each was a piece that made up the person that I was and who I had become.

A numbness had begun to spread, taking over the pain.

My vision was beginning to blur.

Was I going to die?

My heart began to beat intensely.

I was, wasn’t I? I was going to die.

I was going to die. Here. Alone. In this stupid ditch and no one was going to find my body.

Everyone would just think that I ran away. They wouldn’t know that I had stupidly fallen into this stupid ditch and slowly and painfully died.

I felt tears finally form at my eyes.

I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I would never see the faces of the people I loved again.

That hurt more than any pain I had experienced.

I closed my eyes awaiting the inevitable.

My eyes sprang open to the sound of a dog barking.

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13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.

12.06.18

Recovery.

Was slow and long.

Why couldn’t it be faster than this? Yes I knew that I had experienced a major trauma, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to live like normal.

Be who I was before this.

I was sick of listening to people telling me to slow down. Maybe I didn’t want to slow down.

Maybe I wanted to speed up because I wanted my life back!

All I wanted to do was scream and shout at everyone. To tell them to leave me alone.

But what good would that do?

It wouldn’t make me stronger. It wouldn’t make me, me again.

Recovery was slow and long.

But it was worth it.

09.06.18

It was unhealthy. It was so unhealthy.

I wanted to scream at her, run at her and shake her shoulders.

Why don’t you love me? What’s wrong with me? Why do you despise me so much?

I was never a part of her plan.

A child when she was still a child. She couldn’t afford to keep me so I went to live with a friend of her mother’s, whilst she worked three jobs to keep me in food and clothes.

Maybe that’s when our bond broke. She never really got the chance to mother me.

Someone else was my mother. The place in our hearts where each of us should’ve belonged, was empty.

We were strangers bound by blood.

When she was finally able to stand on her two feet, I went to live with her. But by then it was too late. The damage had already set in and what was supposed to have been, was lost forever.

Two became three, then four, then five and six. The link fraying, as more and more people come in between our love until, it was frayed so much that it that it appeared broken.

I was no longer hers and she was no longer mine.

We drifted along together down the same stream, but in different directions.

The love that I never knew from her, if there had ever even really been love, had all but disappeared.

I was thrust out into the world, alone and afraid.

Unwanted.

04.06.18

Leon looked down at the sea of faces in front of him. People were speaking in low hushed conversations.

He felt his heart race under his skin.

Was this the right decision?

He felt like he had been backed into a corner and there was no escape.

It was way too late now.

He should have said something earlier. If he said something now then feelings would be hurt.

But wasn’t it better to tell the truth now, and allow time to heal wounds.

It was better to tell the truth instead of live a lie. The truth would always come out.

He swallowed a tight ball of saliva.

The music started up and she stepped into his sight.

Everything that he felt before flew out the window.

She looked incredible.

He felt his emotions bubble go the surface and tried to stop himself from crying.

03.06.18

I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong.

Everyone seemed so shiny and here I was a full shade of grey. And not that type of grey that was all the range now. A deep rusty sort of grey.

People were milling around the room talking to each other and sipping on expensive glasses of drink.

Oh how I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

Why oh why had I agreed to come to this shit?

I will be a lot of fun, Tomi had whispered in my ears, excitement brimming with every word that left her mouth.

It was so hard to say no to her when she was in this type of mood. It was so rare that she was ever that upbeat, so of course I indulged her and went along with it, allowing her to sign me up.

But now I was here, oh how I wished I could step into a time machine, fiddle around with some buttons and erase my answer yes and replace it with a no.

A guy with thicker frames than mine, began a bee line towards me.

I gulped, was he really walking towards me? Or was there a slimmer, hotter, blonder someone behind me?

I turned to look around and came face to face with the grey wall.

Nope, it was me.

“Hi,” said thick glasses frame as he finally came to a stop.

“Hi,” I murmured back, from behind my wine glass.

02.06.18

I sat there for what felt like eternity.

My knickers were halfway down my ankles and my head was softly resting on my knees, as I waited for news that would change my life either which way.

Why did time always seem to go slower, when you needed it to go faster.

The slight hum from the bathroom light was my only companion as I continued with my wait.

My bum had gone numb, from the uncomfortable position I had placed myself in. But I refused to move, I refused to even breathe unt I knew.

I better get the news I want, my brain screamed loudly and they better be accurate. Well they bloody better had be for £27.

The most accurate results ever, the box had shouted down at me, when I was in the shop.

The timer on my phone began to ring out.

I looked up and stretched out my arm.

Here goes nothing.

31.05.18

Calm. Peaceful.

This is the first time in a long time that I’m alone. The house is empty and the kids are gone.

No more doors opening and closing, hushed voices up to no good, footsteps running up and down the stairs.

I am really alone.

What does one do in this situation?

Do I kick back on the sofa with a glass of wine like they do on the telly?

I’ve never really been a wine person if I’m really honest, so that doesn’t seem like a me kind of thing.

Maybe I might just plonk myself in front of the idiot box and order something in.

But then that be a waste of a night.

Maybe I should go out?

But that involves getting back up, putting a bra on and applying a lot of slap, that I’ll have to take off once I get back in and I for one do not want to wake up with panda eyes. They are never forgiving on the pillows.

I guess I’ll just go with plan A and order in. I’ll make sure I get a massive chocolate cake too, so that I can eat it with that tub of ice cream I managed to hide deep down in the freezer. Happy days.

Tonight is going to be a blast.

30.05.18

sunflowerI’m sad.

Sad and lonely.

Sad, lonely and bored.

I struggle with seeing the good things in life and I’m bogged down with all the things that are bad and wrong.

The side in me that wants to quit, seems like it’s the winning side recently. My get up and go attitude has diminished so much. All I want to do is dive under my covers and disappear.

Disappear into a world where I mean something, where I’m important. Where life has a purpose and I have some sort of value.

I crave this world so much, that my heart yearns for it, more than it does the real world.

Every breath I breathe out here, is a breath that is stolen from the other world, stolen from the other me. The me that I want to be.

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to have to struggle and suffer any more . I just want to be at peace.

I want to lay down and have the sun smile down at me and tell me that everything is okay now, that I am worth something, that I am important.

That I’m special.

28.05.18

When did life become nothing more than swiping?

Swipe up, swipe up.

Swipe down, swipe down.

Swipe left, swipe right.

Swipe, swipe, swipe, keep on swiping.

My fingers and thumb get more exercise than my body does, even my mind.

I’ve become a member of a club that I didn’t even apply for.

My head is constantly bowed. Eyes glued to a screen, that if was to ever to shatter my life would not be worth living.

When did such a small device, become so important that it holds so much power over me.

I am a slave to it, a prisoner.

Even if I try to escape, I am drawn back in.

I crave it more than oxygen, than food.

It’s the first thing I reach for when my eyes open.

It accompanies me on long trips, directs me when I can’t find my way, it entertains me. It assists me. It reminds me of birthdays I had long since forgotten.

It’s no longer a device, it’s my friend.

Without it I am lost.

Without it I am no longer me.

Without it, I’m nothing.