The Void

Empty.

Is this even a feeling?

Numb.

Neutral.

Is this even a feeling?

I’m in limbo. I’m in a vast pool of white. Of nothing. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.

I’m stuck in a void.

If the opposite of happiness is sadness. Why am I not sad? And if I’m not sad why am I not happy?

Why am I not feeling anything? Why can’t I escape? Why can’t I break down these walls?

This is not normal? It can’t be normal right?

Why can’t anyone hear me. I’m shouting and no one is here, no one can hear me.

I’m running and there is no end.

I feel light. But I’m heavy at the same time.

Will this end? Has it even begun?

Is this even a feeling?

I’m scared.

Hello.

Hell.

Hel.

He.

H.

.

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Hoodie

The heaviest tear fell down my face and landed with a thud on the front of my hoodie.

I was so tired of being like this, of feeling this way.

I wiped my eyes, smearing the salty wetness.

My vision was bleary and my nose stuffy.

All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball, turn off the lights and never come out again. But I knew there wasn’t time for this. I got up and zipped the zipper of my hoodie all the way up.

Without turning back I walked out of the door.

As the cold winters air hit my face a smile began to form on my lips.

This was only the beginning, I knew things would never be the same again.

Going back was not an option.

Writer’s Corner: Night Notes – Swipe Right

I am so tired of being alone!

At this point, I’m destined to be alone forever.

I’m the one that is supposed to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else couple up, smile and suck it up knowing that it will never be me.

I’m supposed to go to all the weddings without a plus one, as I watch couple after couple exchange rings; knowing that I will never feel one on my own finger.

Never will I find the other half to my whole; the person who truly gets me and who I truly get too.

I’m destined to be alone forever.

Sometimes I think, maybe I should have just settled. Settled for the men who would call to me from across the street, as if I was a dog. Men that grabbed my arms and tried to pull me back, just to get my attention. Men that came at me armed with a phone trying to force my digits out of me. Maybe if I had said yes to them I wouldn’t be so lonely now.

Maybe I’m just too picky. If I wasn’t so picky I wouldn’t spend my nights up at 2 o’clock swiping through apps just to find someone who might find me the least bit attractive.
I’m tired of building myself up, trailing through hundreds and thousands of profile pictures, finally finding someone that I think will be my perfect soulmate, only to find that they swiped left on me and what easily could have been a perfect match will never be.

I’m tired of feeling ugly and not good enough. Why can’t I have someone to steal the last fries from, someone I can put my legs across whilst we marathon through Game of Thrones, someone who knows that I’m not ticklish but knows that my Achilles heel is on the back of my neck?

I have so much love to give but no one wants to receive it. 

I’m so tired of being lonely.

Will there ever be someone out there for me?

Writer’s Corner – Night Notes – Before You


I haven’t done this in a while but here’s a little short I wrote tonight…
Droplets fall from your eyes, and slide down your face like kisses from the angels above. 

You are perfection. 

Never before has beauty such as yours been seen on this world. You radiate the very essence of it.
So as I sit here, hands shaking, holding the knife that I will soon use to end your life; I think to myself why did I put up with this for so long? Why did I allow myself to be used by you, to become your victim?

Why did I allow your beauty to cloud my brain, make me forget who I really was?

Before you I was smart. Before you I could see clearly. I would never allow anyone to ever make me feel the way that you did.

How could I be blinded by such beauty that I forgot to be me.

You look at me, your eyes bore into me, begging me to stop.

I can’t. Not this time. I am done giving into you.

I raise the knife again and plunge it into you.

I have the power now.

Writer’s Corner: Night Notes – Nose


Most say that it’s the eyes that they first fall in love with. But for me it was your nose, your beautiful strong nose.

I saw that nose and I knew. I knew that you were the one that I wanted to be with; that you were my forever person.

You were standing in a crowd of people and the only thing I could see was you. It was like you had this silver glow around you, a glow so strong that it filtered everyone else out. Blanked out their faces. All I could see was you and all I wanted was you.

I took a deep breathe and made a beeline towards you, making sure that I didn’t spill the drinks that were carefully balancing on my hand. Oh how I hated balancing shit on my hand. It was a massive pet peeve for me. Every move that I made had to be calculated, there was no excuse for error, not with me.

All I wanted to do was sashay up to you. Hypnotise you with my swaying hips, but this blasted drinks tray that was balancing on my hand was keeping me from doing this.

Instead I sheepishly sidled up to you. At first I didn’t say anything. I just sort of hovered there, half expecting you to turn around, knock the tray onto the floor, sweep me into your arms and take my breathe away with your kiss. That strong nose of yours battling with my own.

But you were so engrossed in your conversation with the lady with the synthetic wig, that you didn’t even notice that I was there.

Finally I built up my confidence and opened my mouth to offer you a drink. Without looking my way you waved me off. Deflated I headed back to my starting position. The blasted drinks tray feeling heavier than ever before.

I watched you all night. You never left your spot. I served countless blank underserving faces. But not you. Not once did you look my way.

After the final drink was drunk and the final canapé was eaten, with a heavy heart I left.

As I waited outside for my cab to arrive, thoughts of our future life, our house, our kids, little trips to the beach and picnics in the park plagued my head.

I checked my phone for the umpteenth time, for the status of this cab that was supposedly only 5 mins away; and then suddenly there you were.

Time stood still, the noises around me on pause.

You asked me for a light and as a non-smoker who keeps a lighter in her bag for such occasions I produced you with one.

You sparked up and I felt my heart flutter and beat back to life. Your voice melting my insides as you spoke of your distaste of evenings such as this.

You asked me my name and 10 minutes later we knew each other’s hopes and dreams.

A notification that my driver had cancelled on me propelled me back to the living and the fear of not being able to get home from the north of London to the south of London sent shockwaves through me.

As if sensing my fear you offered to share a cab with me, only because you were going in that direction anyway and how you could never leave a damsel in distress.

The cab pulled up and we both got in and thus began the greatest love story ever told.