22.09.18

This was the end.

This had to be the end?

I didn’t have any strength left in me to cry.

The dampness continued to soak into my clothes.

Why hadn’t death come yet?

Life just wasn’t ready to give up.

But I wanted to give up. I willed death to come. I was in pain. It was never ending.

Just continuing to tap tap tap away at me. Reminding me that it wasn’t going anywhere.

The rain pelted down on my battered body.

I was sure to die of hypothermia, if not internal injuries.

A song came into my head that reminded me of happier times. Times when I used to laugh.

I smiled. A weak one. But a smile I was.

Death was coming soon. It just had to.

It had to.

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21.09.18

Sometimes I question my humanity. Wonder if I’m really alive.

Is this reality? Am I really here?

Is my face really my face? Or is it just a distorted image that I have created in my minds eye?

Is my body really mine? Am I really breathing?

Are the images that I see real?

Are my friends my friends, my family my family?

Is the life that I’m living my own, or a carefully constructed storyline created by another?

I want to wake up. Break out of the nightmare. I want to punch my arm upwards and beat on the glass, until my knuckles swell up and the skin on top grazes.

I want to keep on punching until it breaks.

I want my freedom!

I want to escape.

This can’t be my destiny. This can’t be the cycle that I’m continued to live on.

I need to break free.

20.09.18

I felt claustrophobic.

The air was getting thinner around me and my vision blurrier.

I had to get out of here.

I just wanted to sit down.

But people kept walking towards me. They were walking from all directions. I felt closed in.

I was suffocating. My chest heaved up and down, but no air was getting inside of my lungs.

I felt faint.

I had to get to a seat. Why wasn’t there any seats? I needed help. Why wasn’t anyone helping me?

I felt like I was spinning around. No matter how many steps forward I took, I was no closer to getting away.

Frustrated tears fell from my eyes, but when I tried to wipe them away my arms wouldn’t stretch out.

I began to dry heave as I came to a corner and felt my legs give away underneath me as I sank to the floor.

I sat there watching a heard of legs rush past me, as I stilled my breath and allowed it to return to normal.

Calmness, ran through my body. A cooling soothing feeling, returning me to normal.

19.09.18

Why was he still sitting next to me? There were plenty of empty seats. In fact every single seat except ours was free.

Alarm bells started ringing inside of me. This did not feel right.

I was going to have to move. I didn’t feel comfortable. At all.

But I had so many bags and I was the one who had sat down here first. Why should I have to be the one to move?

I shot death glares at the back of his balding head, but he continued to sit.

Defeated, I got up and moved away. He looked up at me a pained expression on his face.

I didn’t give two shits. Who was he to me, nothing but a stranger who didn’t get social cues and the unwritten rules of bus etiquette.

Fool.

I was flaming.

The bus finally moved onto my stop and I got off. Not before giving him the dirtiest look.

I felt like I was 10ft tall as I walked towards my house.

I was not going to let anyone make me uncomfortable.

18.09.18

I never questioned it. Never thought it was my place.

I went through life oblivious to it. Put my fingers in my ears. Covered my eyes. I was blind to it all.

It wasn’t my place.

Better to be nonchalant about it then to get involved.

Pretend that it wasn’t happening.

I would close doors. Turn music up. Close my eyes and float to another place.

I was anywhere but here.

I didn’t want this to be a reality, so I played dumb to it all.

But as it began to get worse, I could no longer continue to pretend. No longer sit on the fence.

I had to do something. Find a way to stop it.

But I was scared.

What could I do?

I was only one person. There was no way for me to stop it on my own.

So what was I to do?

Was I to go back to silencing it out, or would I at least try?

There had to be some way to make it stop.

There just had to.

17.09.18

The fury built up inside me like a a fire ball.

What the fuck had just happened?

I reached into my bag and pulled out my compact. I checked my forehead to see if the word dickhead had been etched there without me knowing.

Was this actually happening?

This was ridiculous, no in fact this was more than ridiculous.

I wanted to march in there and punch the smiles off both of their fucking faces.

This was unfair. I had put my blood sweat and tears into this placed. Worked more than my socks off. I saw the inside of this office more than my own damn house. This office was my world.

And to sit here whilst the keys to the castle were handed to him.

Well that was a fucking liberty.

I got up and started to pack the things on my desk into my handbag.

If this was the way they were going to treat me, then I was off.

Let’s see how they would survive without me. Because they clearly did not respect me.

Fucking boys club.

16.09.18

Another wave of embarrassment passed through me.

Faces of pity stared down at me as I opened another packet of sugar and poured it onto the table.

I traced and up down smile on the face that I had created in the grains.

Why weren’t you here?

We had said 1:30 and it was way past 2. I could feel my anxiety building up as the time slowly crept past.

Why weren’t you here?

My cheeks flushed as the waitress passed by offering me another glass of water. I nodded my head and she came back with a clear jug.

I watched the water pour down into my near empty glass cup and imagined myself drowning in the water.

Anything but being here, waiting for you.

You weren’t coming we’re you? I could tell. It was way too good to be true and anything that was way to good to be true was a lie.

I wiped the granules into my hand and disposed them into a piece of tissue paper.

I scrunched the tissue paper up and took three big gulps of my water.

I picked up my bag avoiding the stares as I got up. Holding back the tears that were forming at the corner of my eyes.

Is this what it felt like to be stood up?

13.09.18

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

I was on edge.

I was scared.

My thumb hovered over it, but I couldn’t do it.

I wasn’t prepared.

What if it was bad?

I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it to be bad. Good things had just started to happen and I was really looking forward to seeing more good things.

This would be a knock back. This would make it all unravel.

Beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. My mouth was dry. I couldn’t swallow.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening to me?

I was a good person. I just couldn’t seem to catch a break.

I closed my eyes and pressed down with my thumb.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

Congratulations.

13.09.18

It was like a switch.

One minute I was madly, deeply in love with you. The next. Nothing.

I feel nothing for you.

And it’s a shame, because I truly felt that we would be a forever couple.

We were definitely hashtag goals.

But now, when I look at you I wonder why I ever fell for you.

Why I allowed my heart to skip beats just thinking about you.

It’s weird that I no longer find you attractive. When your face was all I could think about and couldn’t wait to see.

How could I love someone so much one minute and the next nothing?

13.09.18

It was like a switch.

One minute I was madly, deeply in love with you. The next. Nothing.

I feel nothing for you.

And it’s a shame, because I truly felt that we would be a forever couple.

We were definitely hashtag goals.

But now, when I look at you I wonder why I ever fell for you.

Why I allowed my heart to skip beats just thinking about you.

It’s weird that I no longer find you attractive. When your face was all I could think about and couldn’t wait to see.

How could I love someone so much one minute and the next nothing?