16.08.18

Wet and soggy. I felt gross. Like fucking shit.

My back was completely soaked.

I put my headphones in my ears and slowly opened the front door with my key, making sure not to let my keys jingle too much.

Another sharp kick, hit me in my ovaries; my cramps were on fire today. I was not in the mood for any kind of shit, especially not from him.

I hated everything about him. His face, his voice, his presence. That little smirk he made when he thought he had won.

Don’t let him get to you, they would tell me. He’s not worth it.

Of course I knew he wasn’t fucking worth it. It was all good and well putting your two cents together when you were on the outside. But this was my life, my everyday existence.

I couldn’t get away from it. His condensation, his fucking smarmy ways. I was the fucking obedient nodding dog, who kept my lips shut and agreed to everything he said.

How had he survived for so long? Weakness, roared hotly inside of my head, she was weak.

She made me sick. She was everything I didn’t want to be.

A reoccurring fear kept visiting me. What if her and I, were one in the same? What if I made the same mistakes that she had? That when I finally found someone, I too would stumble and fall, and accept every lie, every misstep, due to the fear of being alone.

My chest felt tight.

I closed the door and took my key out of the lock. I turned up the music and turned right back around.

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14.08.18

Sometimes, I forget I’m not really alone.

That I don’t have to carry all this burden alone.

But I’m a warrior, I’m a strong independent Queen. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable, I can never show weakness. I have to wear this mask and allow everyone else feel comfortable in my presence.

I can’t allow this mask to slip. Never show them the real you, no matter how much pain you are in.

It’s what I’ve always been told, it’s what I’ve always known.

I have to be proud. I have to be strong.

I’ve built up this mantra so much inside, that it’s hard to believe anything else. To see myself as anything else.

Weakness is a failure.

Why would I want to show anyone that? Why would I want someone to see me as less than.

You must always show your best side! At all times. Period.

How can I be strong, yet show others the things that tear me apart?

It doesn’t make sense.

But do I want to keep feeling this way? Do I want to continue slipping downwards? Feeling like shit just to keep up a facade.

Or do I want to feel free, share my vulnerabilities and work on ways to rebuild?

Questions.

14.08.18

Sometimes, I forget I’m not really alone.

That I don’t have to carry all this burden alone.

But I’m a warrior, I’m a strong independent Queen. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable, I can never show weakness. I have to wear this mask and allow everyone else feel comfortable in my presence.

I can’t allow this mask to slip. Never show them the real you, no matter how much pain you are in.

It’s what I’ve always been told, it’s what I’ve always known.

I have to be proud. I have to be strong.

I’ve built up this mantra so much inside, that it’s hard to believe anything else. To see myself as anything else.

Weakness is a failure.

Why would I want to show anyone that? Why would I want someone to see me as less than.

You must always show your best side! At all times. Period.

How can I be strong, yet show others the things that tear me apart?

It doesn’t make sense.

But do I want to keep feeling this way? Do I want to continue slipping downwards? Feeling like shit just to keep up a facade.

Or do I want to feel free, share my vulnerabilities and work on ways to rebuild?

Questions.

13.08.18

You tried to break me.

Tried to knock me over when my defences were down.

Well I’m here to tell you, you will never win this war.

Blood runs deeper than water.

If it’s a war you want, then it’s a war you will get.

I’m not like your usual opponents. I’m sneaky. My attacks are never big. I attack small and when you will least expect it, one minute your sitting pretty and then BAM! You ain’t sitting pretty no more.

So come on if you think you’re hard enough.

If you think you are really ready to dance out this battle.

Because there can only be one winner and my friend.

I never lose.

10.08.18

I’m trapped up here in this cage and you are my warden.

There are so many ways that I despise you, but listing them out would give you validation and I don’t want that.

I don’t want you to seem more important than you are.

Because to me you are no one. You are nothing. Nothing but an annoying bug that won’t stop buzzing around.

Why don’t you leave. Find someone else to shack up with. Your presence here is no longer needed.

You have no importance.

You walk around like a bad smell making everyone unhappy.

Times were great when you weren’t here. We were all happy, we lived, we breathed, we got on with life. You are not needed and nor are you wanted.

But with most things you can’t take a hint.

Every night you walk back through that door.

Your dragon breath firing threats toward me because you believe that you call the shots.

Turning me into a prisoner so I don’t have to see your face and hear your unimportant words trickle into my ears.

I just wish you would fuck off, fuck off and leave us alone and allow us to thrive without you.

08.08.18

The feeling of disgust battles through me on the odd occasion and no matter how many affirmations I throw at it, it just won’t leave.

It picks me apart bit by bit. You’re too fat. You’re ugly. You have too many spots. Your hair is shit.

Attack after attack, after attack. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up.

It’s a little demon that I just can’t get rid off, and when it leaves best believe it won’t be long before it returns ready to rip me to more shreds.

Digging its heels deeper and deeper into my back.

I pray for a day that I can pick it up and kick it away so hard that it shatters to pieces.

I’m trying to get strong, day by day I’m building up my armour until it becomes impenetrable.

Until those whispers of discontent are nothing more than faint, inaudible bleeps in the wind.

06.08.18

I miss you.

I can’t remember my life before you came into it and now we barely speak.

You would always be the first person I wanted to see and speak to whenever something big happened.

I always envisioned us growing old together, laughing about our shared experience and reminiscing.

I’ve missed out on so much of your life and now I feel like I barely know you.

I miss our laughter, our tears, I even miss your hard hugs.

I just want my friend back.

05.08.18

They say we’ve all got a little bit of psychopath in us.

Sometimes I daydream about your death.

I’ve seen you fall down the stairs and crack your skull multiple times.

I’ve seen you crushed by a bus, have a meteor fall onto you, seen the volts that tore through your body when you were electrocuted.

I’ve seen you die in so many ways. Each time giving me that little bit more joy than the last.

So every time you speak to me disrespectfully, every time you think that you hold some power over me; in my head you are slowly dying.

Your eyes look up to me pleading for help. But I just stand there, I stand there are your eyes grow larger and glaze over. I hear that last raspy pop of breathe and then it’s all over.

You’re gone.

I’ve killed you so many times in my head, but never by my own hand. I’ve killed you over and over, again and again. I’ve watched you suffer and feel weak and defenceless.

So when you talk to me the way you do, who really holds the power?

23.07.18

I don’t feel good.

I feel sad and ashamed and lost. There’s no longer a destination for me. I’ve lost all direction.

I have no motivation. And when you don’t have motivation, what gets you up? What drives you?

Some days I feel sad. Some days I feel nothing. Some days I’m just there, floating around in a ball of distractions.

I watch TV, I read a book, play a game, speak to friends. On the rare occasion I might go for a walk. But none of those things give me satisfaction, because at the end of the day, I know I will just continue drifting off into a void of incompleteness.

The power of loneliness and unfulfillment has gripped ahold of my heart and my soul and has no plans of letting go any time soon.

I want to stop crying, hating on others joy. I don’t want to be the cynic sitting alone in the corner.

I want to live life to the fullest, experience things. I don’t want to give up on me. I don’t want to stop the growth of the person that I’m meant to be. But how do I become that person?

I once had potential. I get told that all the time. Now I sit in dark rooms, with only me for company.

I am not a friend to myself, so how can I be friends with others? Relationships that once were so strong and solid, have drifted away. I don’t want my negativity to spread to them. And without the negativity what else is there to talk about?

I don’t do anything, I haven’t experienced anything new. All I have for them is feelings of doom and gloom. I don’t want them to experience my load, so I keep it trapped it the back of my head and every now and then I offload it onto myself.

I have bruises and scars, on once perfect skin. They hide in places that others can’t see, but I know that they are there. Sometimes they feel as if they are the only ones who really know me, know the real me. Sometimes they feel as if they are my only companions. I don’t give them names though. That would be a step too far.

I just want to feel happy. Have a sense of worth. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I want to feel good.

20.07.18

Alone again. Forgotten.

I was never part of a ‘them’ or a ‘we’.

I was the unwanted toy that wasn’t part of the Christmas time rush. Stuck on the top shelf collecting dust, with the threat of a bright orange reduced sticker looming in my future.

Why was I never asked if I wanted to come? Why was I never chosen?

Countless nights of tears had been shed over these pondering wonders.

Maybe I just wasn’t good enough.

I didn’t fit the ideal picture of what perfection was. I was the bright spark in a pastel peach setting.

I didn’t fit in.

I was the odd one out.

There but forgettable.

One day I would be loved the way that I deserved to be. One day I would be someone’s number one. I would be the prize.