14.10.18

The intensity was building up.

I was a pressure cooker without the steam being let out.

I wanted to be anywhere but here but I had made the choice to do this.

I was surrounded by too much noise. I couldn’t silence the chatter inside of my head.

This was too much. But I didn’t want it to be. How had I let it all build up?

Why was it building up so fast.

I knew it would be intense, but I didn’t know it would be this intense.

The pressure was knocking hard against my temples. I just needed to release. I wanted to scream to kick my legs about.

Break free of the shackles that bound me to this place.

The roar inside of me could not be contained.

I needed to release.

I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

The bursts of oxygen whirled around my brain. Massaging the knots that had built up in my shoulders. Caressing my cheeks and letting me know that all would be fine.

I was stronger than this. I would not let it win.

I opened my eyes. I would find a way to overcome this.

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12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

04.10.18

The cool evening air continued to caress my cheeks as I marched on.

I was nearly there. Home.

If I could even call it that anymore.

It hadn’t felt like home in such a long time.

I felt like an imposter, a stranger in another’s man’s home.

How had it come to this?

How did a place that used to radiate so much love and happiness become so sour.

My heart cried out for days long give.

When laugher filled the hallways and the air wasn’t stale with fear.

My hand hovered over the key hole and I felt my heart stop.

This was not my home.

30.09.18

Did you ever love me?

I ponder on this more than I should.

Memories of your arms around me, squeezing me to your chest and never wanting to let me go, are so distant to me now. I can’t make out if they are real or whether I made them up.

Do you look at me with love in your eyes and the willingness for my life to be better or do you just look at me with contempt?

I know I’m a disappointment to you. I feel it every time you’re near, every time you take a breathe, every time your heart takes a beat.

No ones love is as important to me than yours.

I wish I could make you proud. I wish I was the reason why you smile. I want you to love me the way that I still love you.

29.09.18

Why was it always me?

Good things were meant to come in threes right?

Right?

Why did it feel that good things were just bad things masked in sugar and sparkly lights?

I was tired.

So tired of everything going wrong.

I wanted the weight off my shoulders. I wanted to breathe.

Relax. Feel free.

Why was I being robbed of my chance to live a real life?

Why was there so many obstacles in my way of achieving what I deserved?

I guess I would never get my answers.

I guess I was destined to always be that one step behind.

28.09.18

Daydreams of me floating away are becoming ever more frequent.

Life is hard.

It’s more than tough.

The older I get the more I realise how hard it is.

I’ve become weak. The strength inside is depleting day after day.

I’ve lost my nerve. I’m a wreck.

My achievements distant memories. My failures permanent tattoos.

I’ve cried a lake of tears. I’ve cried more tears in a day, than I used to in a week.

Who am I? Am I even normal?

Everything makes me either mad or sad.

The joy is lost inside of me and therefore everyone else deserves to suffer.

Why should others get to laugh and smile, while they remain foreign concepts to me?

Why do others get to be happy when I’m trapped in a pit of doom and gloom?

Every day is a battle to change, change my mindset, change my outlook. But how?

I have no one guiding me, no one to lean on for support.

The world around me is nothing but water and I’m sinking deeper to the bottom. To an unexplored unknown and I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of life now than I have ever been.

The knots in my stomach are getting harder to detangle.

Will there ever be an end to my suffering? Will I ever see normal?

15.09.18

I want to learn to love myself. But it’s so hard when my flaws won’t let me. When all the bad things about me out weigh the good.

I feel sick when I see myself. And if I detest myself so much, how do others see me. How could any one love me. I feel sorry for anyone that has ever had the displeasure of seeing my face.

Sometimes I beat on myself, just so I can remember that I’m alive. Every bruise, every split piece of skin, is a reminder that I’m less than. I’m not important.

I want to love myself. But how can I when I despise everything about me. How waking up in my skin is a disappointment.

I’m a third class citizen in this journey.

Why did I have to look like me? Is there a way to get a refund? Why is my life one tragedy after the next? Why am I destined to never be happy?

The quest to love oneself, will always be a hard one, especially when there is nothing worth loving.

10.09.18

Lips on lips.

Skin on skin.

I crave to be touched.

I feel like a leper. Why does nobody want me?

A fat ugly frump, with a too wide nose and too dark skin.

I’m on the end of the spectrum of beauty, if I’m even on it.

I’m far from desirable.

The butters friend.

The overlooked girl in the corner.

The person just there to highlight the beauty of another.

Why would anyone want me?

I’m the butt of the jokes.

The one they talk about in hushed whispers.

I’m not special at all.

I wear my hood and cover my face. Glasses cover my nose and eyes.

I’m a stranger, the one they look past.

No one will ever love me.

Destined to shrivel up unnoticed.