08.12.18

Eyes heavy. Soul heavy. Body heavy. Joy gone.

Love lived here once upon a time, but it’s long since gone. Cobwebs dot the corners of a once happy home.

I clench and unclench my fist as I lay flat out on my bed. Spots of sunlight peak through holes in the curtain.

I want to get up but I can’t. I’m so weary. I’m weak. I feel heavy. Squashed.

I’m forgotten here. Here I forget.

A smile appears on my face and disappears soon after. My heart beats a steady pace.

I’m at peace. I could be happy. I’m ready to move on. But how can I move on? Life is a rollercoaster and mine is the coaster in the wild, the one that doesn’t stop even when the leaver is pulled. My coaster keeps on going until is crashes into the other coasters and makes a bloody mess.

I am a mess.

I need to get up. But I don’t want to.

I need to get up, but I can’t.

Get. Up.

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04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

02.12.18

Empty takeaway boxes littered both my internal and external.

How had allowed it to get so bad?

One minute I was doing 20 reps at the gym past midnight, next I was sat at home straining my arm just to get to the chocolate box that had fallen underneath the bed.

I had hit rock bottom. Healthy was no longer in my radar. I felt like shit, so what else could I do except eat my feelings away? It made me feel good, well at least when the food was going down my throat. Not so much afterwards.

Afterwards, I felt like shit!

I felt like I was the biggest loser. Why did I keep doing this? It’s not like I didn’t know it was bad; it’s not like I didn’t cringe every time I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I was disgusted with who I had become. Just getting out of bed was becoming a stressful situation.

I needed to make a change and make a change soon. But it was so hard. It was so damn hard.

Tears began to bubble at the corner of my eyes. I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I wanted to start taking care of myself. Be better. But I didn’t know where to begin. I needed help. I wanted help. I wanted to change myself for the better.

I lay there for a while, absorbed in my own self-pity and then I got up out of my bed and began to pick up the takeaway containers, the shame ran through me as I placed them in the wastebasket.

I could do this, I said to myself. I could change.

01.12.18

I stuck my middle finger up at the departing bus. The dickhead had seen me I knew it. There was no way that he could’ve missed me. I was wearing my usual uniform of bright lime green. Totally unmissable.

I was in no fucking mood to be messed with tonight. No fucking mood at all. My stomach was screaming for food and my feet felt like a sledgehammer had attacked the soles. I was in no fucking mood!

I screamed at the top of my lungs and stamped my feet. Big mistake. The pain that ripped through them as contact was made with concrete floor was indescribable.

Why did shitty things keep happening to me!

I was pissed, I was angry, I was every synonym of vexed that there was.

I shook my fists up to the sky and muttered a curse on the driver that had left me standing there in the cold darkness. I hoped his dinner, that he was rushing home to, was cold and shit. I hoped he chocked on a bit as it went down, but more so irritation than fatally killing him. I hoped that he spilt his drink down himself and tripped over the dog’s tail. I wished everything bad on him.

Why should he not be made to suffer the same way that he had made me? Why should he not feel just an ounce of what he had forced me to feel, when he continued to drive on and not stop for me and forced me to have to wait a whole sixteen minutes for another bus?

Yeah he should suffer too.

29.11.18

The pain shot up my back, spreading like fire.

Why wouldn’t it stop? Why was this happening to me.

I got on all fours, as tears streamed down my face. The pain wouldn’t stop no matter what I did it just wouldn’t go away.

I was cursed I knew it, I mean what else could be the reason for this?

Who had I hurt? I had obviously done something to someone and it must have been so bad, to be suffering from such severe karma.

I continued the back exercises that the physio had recommended, but still the pain continued.

Nothing was working, not the heat balm or the freeze spray and the two anti-inflammatory pills I had taken an hour ago, still had no affect.

I was in agony. I was gonna die. This was so much more than pain.

Images of my family and other loved ones flooded my mind as I continued to writhe around on the floor.

This was torture. This was a feeling that that had brought me to the edge.

I was done. Finished. I wanted it to end.

I reached over for the packet of pills on my bed and popped open every compartment. I threw my head back and chucked in the remaining fourteen pills and washed them down with now room temperature water.

As soon as I swallowed them all, I knew I had made a mistake. Regret rushed through me. Within minutes my stomach had began to bubble. What had I done?

I had unwillingly caused myself to overdose. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to die. Pain was not something that would drive me to want to die. I had wanted freedom, a release but I hadn’t wanted this!

I ran out of my bedroom and straight for the toilet. I made so many bargains with God as I lay my head over the bowl willing the vomit to come; I would live in pain forever if only it meant I could live.

I wanted to live more than anything.

23.11.18

I almost forgot who I was.

Almost forgot that I was a living, breathing human. That there was actually a reason for me being here.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that there were people that loved me and people that I loved.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that I was important, even when I didn’t really believe that. That no matter what I really thought about myself, there was someone amazing wrapped up deep down inside.

I almost forgot.

Almost forgot that I had dreams and aspirations. That I valued my future and wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my goals.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot what it really meant to be alive.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

15.11.18

Denial and grief shook my body.

This was not right, it wasn’t fair.

I felt my heartbeat quicken. Oxygen had stopped moving through my body, air was trapped in my throat. It was like I was drowning.

I needed to get out of here now.

I raced towards the nearest door and burst through it.

The cool air was a welcome distraction. The wind swept across my face, wiping away the salt from my tears.

I sat down on the bench and put my head in between my knees.

Just take a few deep breaths I said to myself. It will all be over soon. Just keep breathing.

When I had finally lulled myself to a state of calmness, I brought my head back up.

I could do this. I could get myself through this.

08.11.18

I was sure it was going to happen. It just had to!

Positive thoughts right?

Push the negative away and make room for the things that were important.

I took a deep breath in, counted to three and breathed out.

I felt light headed, like I was floating.

Nothing could touch me now. I was too high up.

All of the darkness, all of the fear, was gone.

I was untouchable.

Unbreakable.

I was in pure and utter bliss.

This was so peaceful.

I was almost happy.

Almost.

There was a patch of grey, threatening to burst me. Threatening to pull me back down to the ground.

I didn’t want it to, but it was growing. It’s sharp teeth and claws lashing out at me.

I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.

Breathing in and out. Pushing the patch until it began to fade.

Fade until it disappeared altogether and I was alone again.

Floating higher and higher.

Closer and closer to my nirvana.