21.06.18

I noticed you before you noticed me.

You had this look of sadness, that was hidden under a mask of a smile.

It seemed that you carried so much weight on your shoulders. The burdens of so many.

I wanted nothing more than to remove that weight. To throw them off. To relieve you of them.

I wanted to shake away your sadness and place a real smile on your face.

But most of all I wanted you to notice me too. To see that I saw you.

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20.06.18

The bombings were getting closer.

I huddled near the bed with my little sister, under our makeshift fort. The top corner of my tshirt was soaked through by her tears.

I slowly stroked her head as her shoulders shook from crying.

I was scared but I tried my best to soothe her. To reassure her.

The sound of people screaming, lit up the night. The soundtrack of the past couple of hours.

It had come on so sudden. There had been no warning. No one had seen it coming.

I had always joked about it in the past. What I would do if it ever happened?

But I never believed it would.

It just seemed so outrageous, so unbelievable. So far fetched.

But I was wrong. It was happening right now and we were in the thick of it.

I closed my eyes and began to hum.

I rocked my sister in my arms, doing my best to keep her safe, as the sounds of bombings and screams played out around us.

19.06.18

Was it a crime of passion or passionate crime? Who knew.

All Abi knew was that she was not guilty.

She had been set up and she was sticking to her story.

The prosecution came in hard at her again.

Throwing around big words and threats.

Her lawyer had said it was a bad idea her taking the stand, but she wanted them to see her. See that she could never have done the things that she was being accused of doing.

What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

She was here to plead her case.

She just had to prove to them that she had been set up and then they would believe her.

They would believe her right?

They had to, they had to believe her. She was innocent.

They didn’t lock up innocent people right?

Did they?

Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken the stand.

What if they didn’t believe her and sent her away?

She would be locked up for a crime that she had never committed.

She felt her shoulders sink.

All her life she had played by the rules. Only to end up locked away for something she hadn’t even done.

How was this justice?

How was this fair?

16.06.18

Who knew?

It was never supposed to get this far.

It was only supposed to be a joke and now here we were.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead as my stomach lurched.

I was going to throw up, I knew it.

The salt from my now dry tears were stinging my red swollen eyes.

He looked down at us.

His smile wrapped with both evilness and glee.

He was in power now. He had flipped it over on us.

No longer were we his tormenters, he was ours.

He walked over to me.

My shoulders began to shake.

I wanted to scream. Tell him not to hurt me. Plead for my life. But the words wouldn’t form. My throat and mouth had lost of sense of how they were supposed to work and they had failed me.

I closed my eyes and prayed that this was not it.

15.06.18

The pain shot through every part of my body.

I tried to do pain replacement, but it didn’t work. I mean how could it when everything and every place hurt.

I lay in there for what felt like eternity and reflected on my life and the decisions and choices that I had made.

Some of the things were good and some of them were bad. There were things I cherished and things that I would change if I could go back in time.

But no matter how right or wrong, each was a piece that made up the person that I was and who I had become.

A numbness had begun to spread, taking over the pain.

My vision was beginning to blur.

Was I going to die?

My heart began to beat intensely.

I was, wasn’t I? I was going to die.

I was going to die. Here. Alone. In this stupid ditch and no one was going to find my body.

Everyone would just think that I ran away. They wouldn’t know that I had stupidly fallen into this stupid ditch and slowly and painfully died.

I felt tears finally form at my eyes.

I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I would never see the faces of the people I loved again.

That hurt more than any pain I had experienced.

I closed my eyes awaiting the inevitable.

My eyes sprang open to the sound of a dog barking.

14.06.18

All it took was one smile, one kind word and I was happy.

It was so funny to think that small thing held so much power.

That my bad mood could switch itself up so fast just by a simple smile.

I felt my cheeks redden. The heat felt so foreign on my face. For the longest time a scowl had been etched across it. Now a smile that was struggling to stay hidden was in its place.

It had been so long since I had felt this way that I didn’t know how to act.

I smiled back at him. Thanking the mystical powers inside of him for breaking the spell that had taken ahold of me for so long.

13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.

12.06.18

Recovery.

Was slow and long.

Why couldn’t it be faster than this? Yes I knew that I had experienced a major trauma, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to live like normal.

Be who I was before this.

I was sick of listening to people telling me to slow down. Maybe I didn’t want to slow down.

Maybe I wanted to speed up because I wanted my life back!

All I wanted to do was scream and shout at everyone. To tell them to leave me alone.

But what good would that do?

It wouldn’t make me stronger. It wouldn’t make me, me again.

Recovery was slow and long.

But it was worth it.

10.06.18

broken heart love sad

He walked over to her and bent down, his eyes crinkled and he threw back his head and laughed.

I felt that familiar wave pour through my body.

When I first met him, I found that laugh nothing more than nerdy; but now it was all I wanted to hear. Whenever he was near I felt safe, I felt at home.

My heart pined for him. This was so strange. How had this happened?

I was kicking myself now, why hadn’t I just tried?

He had poured his heart out to me and I had flat out rejected him.

This was my punishment.

It wasn’t my fault; I had always wanted to have that love at first sight spark. You know the one, your heart beats fast, your cheeks flush and your brain melts. It was so typical that for all of the years that I had been alive, I had never felt it.

Maybe it was a lie, made up by fairy tale makers to lure girls into a false dream and keep yearning for something that would never happen.

He looked over at me and gave me a smile, a smile that screamed I love you like a sister; I smiled back whilst slowly dying.

I should have let my guard down. I should have let my guard down and let him into my heart.

But instead I clammed up and here I was, silently crying that he had moved on.

09.06.18

It was unhealthy. It was so unhealthy.

I wanted to scream at her, run at her and shake her shoulders.

Why don’t you love me? What’s wrong with me? Why do you despise me so much?

I was never a part of her plan.

A child when she was still a child. She couldn’t afford to keep me so I went to live with a friend of her mother’s, whilst she worked three jobs to keep me in food and clothes.

Maybe that’s when our bond broke. She never really got the chance to mother me.

Someone else was my mother. The place in our hearts where each of us should’ve belonged, was empty.

We were strangers bound by blood.

When she was finally able to stand on her two feet, I went to live with her. But by then it was too late. The damage had already set in and what was supposed to have been, was lost forever.

Two became three, then four, then five and six. The link fraying, as more and more people come in between our love until, it was frayed so much that it that it appeared broken.

I was no longer hers and she was no longer mine.

We drifted along together down the same stream, but in different directions.

The love that I never knew from her, if there had ever even really been love, had all but disappeared.

I was thrust out into the world, alone and afraid.

Unwanted.