24.05.18

I’m mad at myself. I keep wasting opportunities and I don’t know why. I can see myself in the moment and it’s Iike I’m trapped inside of myself. Banging at the edge of my head, I’m screaming but I can’t be heard.

I’m more than my own worst enemy. I’m the reason why I can never get higher than what I want to be.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I sabotaging myself?

Why do I want myself to fail?

I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to stop myself from stopping myself.

I want to break away from the part of me that wants to stop. But I don’t know how to, or maybe I just dint want to.

I’ve become my own safety net, that I’m too scared to walk the tightrope.

I need to break free, of this voice inside that is blocking me. Telling me that no matter what I do I will never be good enough.

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25.03.18

Why are you even still here?

Nobody wants you.

A question that has been burning in the back of my head for the longest time.

What do you even bring to the table?

I’ll just wait here why you try and think up your response.

Oh wait, you can’t think of anything.

Typical.

Bringing nothing.

You are a worthless piece of trash, who does fuck all and acts like they’re so high and mighty.

The more I grow as a person, the more clearer it is to me who you really are.

My respect levels for you are at a level zero.

No in fact let me correct that, they are currently at less than minus 1000.

I’m not gonna let you push me off the edge. I will not be the one dangling off.

You disguise yourself as this respectable person, that you have a high and important status; but we can all see you for who you really are.

You are pathetic, washed up. A dried current wishing for days when you used to be a grape.

I aspire to be everything that your not.

So next time you want to spread your words of wisdom, you might want to take notes, go away analyse them and apply them to your own damn self.

Shop is closed.

Your business is not welcome here.

19.03.18

The pain had long since disappeared.

I was supposed to feel the joy by now right? I was supposed to feel something.

If it was supposed to come naturally, why didn’t I feel anything? What was wrong with me?

I looked over at him, as his chest rose and fell.

He was so tiny. So fragile.

I should want to pick him up. Hold him close to me and pour my love into him.

But I couldn’t. I felt nothing. I was numb, blank. Frozen in a place of non existence.

Was I broken?

I had carried him inside of me for what felt like forever.

I had spoken to him, sung to him. I had told him countless times that I loved him.

But now he was here, the feelings that I had once felt had stopped. They had disappeared.

I was a bad person. How could I call myself a mother, when I didn’t know if I love my own child.

He was a stranger to me.

14.03.18

I pounded my fists on the table. The fire that was raging inside flew out of my mouth.

How dare he! How dare he sit there and lie to me.

Did he think that I was an idiot? That I didn’t know when he lied. That his eyes suddenly had an attack of blinks when an untruthful statement passed through his lips.

How could I be so stupid to think that life would be perfect with him?I should have seen it, I prided myself on my observation skills, so how did I miss this?

He slowly picked up his glass of water and placed it to his lips. I wanted to knock it out of his hands. To let the water drench him, the shards of glass striking his face as they bounced off the table from the impact.

But instead I just sat there watching him, hating him.

19.02.18

We stood at the edge of the cliff. My eyes raged with pain and hatred. A feeling that I never usually experienced.

My so called former friend stared back at me, her eyes glazed over in their usual state of ignorance. To think that I had spent so much of my heart on her.

Who would have ever thought that she was actually a wolf in sheep clothing.

I must have been a real bad judge of character. It seemed that everyone else was in on it except for me.

I saw a beautiful talented yet broken young woman, who didn’t know her self worth. I wanted to help her see herself as I saw her. I spent hours listening to her tear herself down, gave her a shoulder when she needed it the most and wiped away her tears when she cried.

I was blind to the real poison that she really was. She was never really a nice person.

She felt power putting others down. The more acid that dropped from her mouth the better she felt. She fed off the misfortunes of others. Seeking validation of her own self, by belittling others.

She thought her shit didn’t stink. A false wave of bravery was worn as a cloak masking her insecurities.

I was so blind to her, that I never saw the knife that she had been holding the whole way through our friendship. I never felt it stab me in the back until it was too late. I was lost in her, love for her leaked from every pore. I was protective of her, she was lost and broken and it was my duty to look out for her.

How wrong I was. She was never my friend. I was just a crutch to her. Used over and over to boost her when she was down. I was her personal punching bag.

She had someone who would ride to the end of the world for her and yet she continued to beat me down to boost her own ego.

As with most things, we started to move apart. The further and further apart we got, the more aware I became of her deceit, of who she truly was.

My eyes were fully open. The rose tinted glasses had fallen and shattered; I was free of their spell. I saw her for who she really was. With every bit of strength I had I removed the knife from my back.

The wound took a while to heal. But in time it did and I grew as a person.

I never thought I would see her again.

But here we were together again, after what felt like an eternity.

She thought I was still the same person I was. Fragile, naive, weak. Boy was she wrong. Little did she know that in the time we had been apart I had grown. The little lap dog that would follow her around was gone. In its place was a fierce, confident and strong woman.

Our eyes locked, two former comrades, now true enemies.

The battle was ready to begin.

Writer’s Corner – Me Again


I’m suffocating, drowning in this non-existence.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to punch every wall, kick every door.

I want to have a purpose, have some form of validation.

I want to exist. I want a reason to live.

I don’t want to be this invisible loner, lying here decaying.

I want my energy back, my spark.

I want to smile again, laugh until it hurts but still can’t stop.

I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. Stuck with my own thoughts as company; my captive and torturer.

I want this dull pain to stop. I want to rip it out of me. I want to throw it around, beat on it the same way it beats on me. I want to show it that I’m the one in control now.

I want to be me again.

When your work wife tells you they’re leaving.

It’s that guttural punch to your stomach. 

The person who you’ve bonded with the most at work, the person you can’t wait to see when you first step into your office, the first person that you want to tell all your ‘oh so amazing’news to; turns around and tells you that they are leaving.

You can’t swallow, the room starts spinning, you can’t breathe. It’s at that exact second when you literally feel like your heart has broken.

You start to go through all the stages of grief:

Denial – this is not happening, she’s playing with me. She is going nowhere! We’re gonna continue sitting next to each other forever and bitch about all the people that we hate until the end of days.

Anger – how dare she leave me! Why is she so selfish! She knows that the only reason why I get up everyday and come into this place is because of her. Does she want me to survive coming into work? She must really hate me! She was never my friend.

Bargaining – if she just sees it to the end of the week she might just change her mind. Maybe if I list all the reasons why this is the best place to work and that she will never get anything better than this she will reconsider. If I find a way to finally get her office crush to speak to her that might sway her mind.

Depression – who the hell will I talk to about my fake work boyfriends now? Who will I eat lunch with. Visions of you walking in a room with a tray and no one to sit with flash in front of your eyes. Who will I bitch to about my nemesis to now? Everyone else in this office hates me, I’ll never find anyone like her again. I don’t even want to come back to work now. What if she finds a new work wife in her new job? What if this office is the only reason why we were friends in the first place and we never speak again?

Acceptance – I really want her to be happy. We will still talk to each other outside of work. Rosie seems like a nice girl, we always speak to each other in the morning and she takes the same train home as me.