26.12.18

So I Google how to stop fading into the background.

Because it’s something that I can’t stop from happening.

No matter what I do, even if I try something different. I always seem to somehow disappear.

I’m always overlooked. It’s sad and I am really trying my best to stand out, but it just keeps happening.

So I’m working on a plan to never go unnoticed again.

My grand scheme starts today. No one will ever skip over my name again. I will be the first thing that they think about when they wake and the last thing before they sleep.

I will be the mighty one this time.

I hit the search button and sit back scanning website after website after website.

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23.12.18

Five broken bottles lay at my feet. Five bottles that once had a purpose, a reason to exist, lay broken at my feet.

It wasn’t an accident. I did it on purpose. I allowed them to fall from my grasp. I allowed the glass to shatter and spray upwards as the bottles hit the floor. Allowed the wine to pool around the floor as it finally managed to gain its great escape and flow steadily to my perfect white rug.

You didn’t see me. If you did, would much have changed? You still would’ve done it. You turning around and seeing me wouldn’t have turned back the clock and stopped you.

All that might’ve happened was that you would have been aware that you had been caught. Aware that in that split second, when I allowed the five bottles of wine to drop from my hands and crash towards the ground, that you had broken something inside of me.

And even though my heart was still beating, blood was pumping through my veins and breathe ran through me. I had died. In that split second just before my hands that were carrying five bottles of wine that you loved so much, gave way and allowed them to begin their descent downwards. You had taken a huge carving knife and stuck it deep down into my heart.

The glass crunched under my feet as I made my way over to you.

12.12.18

I stare at myself in the mirror, allowing my towel to drop. My eyes automatically scan the parts that I hate.

My breasts are too saggy, my stomach too big. My arms too flabby, my thighs too dimply, butt way too flat.

Why is it that the good things never come to light? I never see the things that are supposedly positive about myself.

I was never going to be good enough. Never going to be the supermodel that I thought I needed to be.

I picked my towel up and hurriedly wrapped it back around myself in disgust. I tried to control the tears that were fighting to come out, my reflection was far from my best friend.

Why couldn’t I be the pretty one? My life was shitty enough, and here I was the most ugliest on the shelf. It was no surprise that I was single, I must repel men so badly. One look at me and they felt sick, I knew it, I mean what else was the reason?

I had been single for so long, a man had not touched me in so long. I was ugly I knew it. I should just get used to it. No man would or could ever love me.

I was the rotten banana, the crushed rose, the broken biscuit. Who would want me? Who would want to love me? I didn’t even love me! Why would someone else?

I wrap the towel tighter around my body; my nails digging into my skin, and let the tears fall.

11.12.18

I pound away at the punching bag. The punches getting more ferocious.

Intense thoughts bounced around my skull.

I was so tired. In fact I was fucking tired of being fucking tired. Tired of crying frustrated tears again and again.

Victimising myself. I had turned myself into a victim.

I was tired of crying myself to sleep because life hadn’t gone the way I wanted it to. But who lived the life they wanted or expected?

My teeth were worn from contestant grinding and clenching. I was way past fucked up. I kept punching my way through life trying to remind myself that I was still here.

But was I though. Was I really here? Was life even real? Was this all just a social experiment for some rich bastard’s entertainment?

My eyes close on an existence that I hate. I’m angry. I’m hurting. I want it to stop. I want it to end. Why am so negative?

I want to stop, but it’s hard. So I come here and I pound this bag. Pound out all my frustrations until I’m weak, and all the negativity floods out. Making way for the next instalment.

04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

01.12.18

I stuck my middle finger up at the departing bus. The dickhead had seen me I knew it. There was no way that he could’ve missed me. I was wearing my usual uniform of bright lime green. Totally unmissable.

I was in no fucking mood to be messed with tonight. No fucking mood at all. My stomach was screaming for food and my feet felt like a sledgehammer had attacked the soles. I was in no fucking mood!

I screamed at the top of my lungs and stamped my feet. Big mistake. The pain that ripped through them as contact was made with concrete floor was indescribable.

Why did shitty things keep happening to me!

I was pissed, I was angry, I was every synonym of vexed that there was.

I shook my fists up to the sky and muttered a curse on the driver that had left me standing there in the cold darkness. I hoped his dinner, that he was rushing home to, was cold and shit. I hoped he chocked on a bit as it went down, but more so irritation than fatally killing him. I hoped that he spilt his drink down himself and tripped over the dog’s tail. I wished everything bad on him.

Why should he not be made to suffer the same way that he had made me? Why should he not feel just an ounce of what he had forced me to feel, when he continued to drive on and not stop for me and forced me to have to wait a whole sixteen minutes for another bus?

Yeah he should suffer too.

25.11.18

Frustrated tears and frustrated fears, shake the core of me. I am not the girl I used to be. Strangeness lives here now.

Mirrors don’t reflect a person that I recognise. How have I become a person that I once despised.

I want to claw at my face, dig deep until the real me is discovered.

I am a liar. A fraud. I shouldn’t be here. I should be thrown from way up high and destroyed.

I am a useless entity, existing only for the fun and games of another.

Why am I here?

I want to bash my head against the wall, until the memories of yesterday reappear and remind me of what the purpose of this quest really is.

Who am I?

I am a coward. A fool.

Why can’t I face my sins and start again?

Why can’t I be the person I was meant to be from the start?

21.11.18

Small drops of blood splattered down onto the floor.

I looked on in horror. A bubbling sensation began to stir inside of me and I began to wretch.

Hot bile spewed out of my mouth.

I had never seen a dead body before. It wasn’t something you came across every day, especially not in this small town. Dead bodies didn’t just appear out of no where. People died in hospitals, inside of their homes. Behind closed doors.

Not here in the open.

I wanted to step around him. Close my eyes and rewind time so I didn’t have to see it. But you couldn’t rewind time and that shocked look on his face would be forever etched on my skull.

Why had he done it?

I guess I would never know why. Tears had begun to fall, without me realising I had started to cry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Our short but intense life together began to dance across my mind. I would miss him like crazy. My heart hurt.

Why had he done this?

Why had he done this to me?

To me?

He knew I would be the one to find him. He must’ve known.

Why did he rob me of my last moment with him? Why did he force this on to me?

Floods of red pounded in my skull. I was angry. Angry, hurt and sad all rolled into one.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.