04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

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01.12.18

I stuck my middle finger up at the departing bus. The dickhead had seen me I knew it. There was no way that he could’ve missed me. I was wearing my usual uniform of bright lime green. Totally unmissable.

I was in no fucking mood to be messed with tonight. No fucking mood at all. My stomach was screaming for food and my feet felt like a sledgehammer had attacked the soles. I was in no fucking mood!

I screamed at the top of my lungs and stamped my feet. Big mistake. The pain that ripped through them as contact was made with concrete floor was indescribable.

Why did shitty things keep happening to me!

I was pissed, I was angry, I was every synonym of vexed that there was.

I shook my fists up to the sky and muttered a curse on the driver that had left me standing there in the cold darkness. I hoped his dinner, that he was rushing home to, was cold and shit. I hoped he chocked on a bit as it went down, but more so irritation than fatally killing him. I hoped that he spilt his drink down himself and tripped over the dog’s tail. I wished everything bad on him.

Why should he not be made to suffer the same way that he had made me? Why should he not feel just an ounce of what he had forced me to feel, when he continued to drive on and not stop for me and forced me to have to wait a whole sixteen minutes for another bus?

Yeah he should suffer too.

25.11.18

Frustrated tears and frustrated fears, shake the core of me. I am not the girl I used to be. Strangeness lives here now.

Mirrors don’t reflect a person that I recognise. How have I become a person that I once despised.

I want to claw at my face, dig deep until the real me is discovered.

I am a liar. A fraud. I shouldn’t be here. I should be thrown from way up high and destroyed.

I am a useless entity, existing only for the fun and games of another.

Why am I here?

I want to bash my head against the wall, until the memories of yesterday reappear and remind me of what the purpose of this quest really is.

Who am I?

I am a coward. A fool.

Why can’t I face my sins and start again?

Why can’t I be the person I was meant to be from the start?

21.11.18

Small drops of blood splattered down onto the floor.

I looked on in horror. A bubbling sensation began to stir inside of me and I began to wretch.

Hot bile spewed out of my mouth.

I had never seen a dead body before. It wasn’t something you came across every day, especially not in this small town. Dead bodies didn’t just appear out of no where. People died in hospitals, inside of their homes. Behind closed doors.

Not here in the open.

I wanted to step around him. Close my eyes and rewind time so I didn’t have to see it. But you couldn’t rewind time and that shocked look on his face would be forever etched on my skull.

Why had he done it?

I guess I would never know why. Tears had begun to fall, without me realising I had started to cry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Our short but intense life together began to dance across my mind. I would miss him like crazy. My heart hurt.

Why had he done this?

Why had he done this to me?

To me?

He knew I would be the one to find him. He must’ve known.

Why did he rob me of my last moment with him? Why did he force this on to me?

Floods of red pounded in my skull. I was angry. Angry, hurt and sad all rolled into one.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

18.11.18

The cold bit at my feet. By the time I got home I wasn’t going to have any toes left.

I looked back up at the bus timetable. Still 12 minutes, 12 more minutes of standing alone at a bus stop, music and entertainment free, in the middle of winter. Minus temperatures. This was the worst day of my life.

All I wanted to do was cry. But there was no use crying over spilt milk.

I had to suck it up, I had experienced was worse than this. This was nothing.

I looked back up. Still 12 minutes. I felt the anger bubble up inside of me. No this was wrong it had to be wrong. It had been saying 12 minutes for the last 3 minutes. Something wasn’t right here.

All I wanted to do was go home. Curl up in front of the telly with a takeaway and a fizzy drink. But instead I was stuck outside suffering, waiting for a bus in that seemed like it was never actually going to come.

You couldn’t write this shit.

Just when I had given up all hope, my cheeks and nose red from the cold and crying, I caught a haze of red in my bloodshot eyes.

A trickle of celebration ran through me, but I was too frozen to allow the physical reactions to manifest in my body.

This must’ve been what happiness was. Because right now, I don’t think I could’ve been anything else.

11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.

09.11.18

I’m sorry that I don’t make life easy for you.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why that bubble that lies deep down inside of you suddenly rises and you feel a rage that you’ve never felt before.

I’m sorry that I get in the way.

I’m sorry that I consume too much of your space.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why your life is not where you want it to be.

I’m sorry that you are stuck.

I’m sorry that you feel negative whenever I’m around.

I’m sorry you feel hurt.

I’m sorry that I make you lash out.

I’m sorry you hurt yourself that one time.

I’m sorry that I remind you of every bad thing that has ever happened to you.

I’m sorry I don’t make it so hard for you.

I’m sorry that you find me annoying.

I’m sorry that I cause you pain.

I’m sorry that I make you cry.

I’m sorry that I don’t make the world spin in your fortune.

I’m sorry that I got up this morning

I’m sorry I took another breath.

30.10.18

I scuttle about in secret hoping not to bump into you.

I don’t want to see your face.

Images of red and dark shades of brown float around when I think of you.

I can’t wash it away.

It’s so vivid like it was yesterday.

But it wasn’t.

It happened so long ago, that the fresh grown grass out the back was not yet formed.

Silent screams well up in my throat whenever you’re near.

I want to lash out but my limbs stay stuck to my sides.

You keep on winning.

A constant victor in this battle of two.

Me a forever loser.