12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

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10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

04.10.18

The cool evening air continued to caress my cheeks as I marched on.

I was nearly there. Home.

If I could even call it that anymore.

It hadn’t felt like home in such a long time.

I felt like an imposter, a stranger in another’s man’s home.

How had it come to this?

How did a place that used to radiate so much love and happiness become so sour.

My heart cried out for days long give.

When laugher filled the hallways and the air wasn’t stale with fear.

My hand hovered over the key hole and I felt my heart stop.

This was not my home.

29.09.18

Why was it always me?

Good things were meant to come in threes right?

Right?

Why did it feel that good things were just bad things masked in sugar and sparkly lights?

I was tired.

So tired of everything going wrong.

I wanted the weight off my shoulders. I wanted to breathe.

Relax. Feel free.

Why was I being robbed of my chance to live a real life?

Why was there so many obstacles in my way of achieving what I deserved?

I guess I would never get my answers.

I guess I was destined to always be that one step behind.

28.09.18

Daydreams of me floating away are becoming ever more frequent.

Life is hard.

It’s more than tough.

The older I get the more I realise how hard it is.

I’ve become weak. The strength inside is depleting day after day.

I’ve lost my nerve. I’m a wreck.

My achievements distant memories. My failures permanent tattoos.

I’ve cried a lake of tears. I’ve cried more tears in a day, than I used to in a week.

Who am I? Am I even normal?

Everything makes me either mad or sad.

The joy is lost inside of me and therefore everyone else deserves to suffer.

Why should others get to laugh and smile, while they remain foreign concepts to me?

Why do others get to be happy when I’m trapped in a pit of doom and gloom?

Every day is a battle to change, change my mindset, change my outlook. But how?

I have no one guiding me, no one to lean on for support.

The world around me is nothing but water and I’m sinking deeper to the bottom. To an unexplored unknown and I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of life now than I have ever been.

The knots in my stomach are getting harder to detangle.

Will there ever be an end to my suffering? Will I ever see normal?

23.09.18

Cowering and snivelling like a little child.

Snot mixed with tears on his toad-like face.

Why did I never notice that before? That his face was toad-like.

So trapped in his spells and webs of lies, that I didn’t see the pure ugliness that radiated from him.

Love truly was blind.

But not now, the glasses were well and truly shattered and I was seeing him clearly for the first time in forever.

I moved the bat closer to his foot, and made a sweeping motion as I drew a line in front of him.

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped.

Fear spreading deeper through him.

Didn’t think I had it in me did he?

I moved the bat closer to his crotch. He tried to shuffle back but there was no more space for him to move.

No where for him to go.

I raised the bat up and in one quick sharp movement and brought it down with such force.

A wet patch began to slowly form on his trousers.

He had wet himself.

I threw my head back and roared with laughter. Tears began to roll down my cheeks.

I looked towards the fresh mark on the wall that the baseball bat had made.

“I won’t miss next time,” I hissed through my teeth as I walked off.

I locked the door behind me.

The sounds of heavy sobbing my soundtrack as I continued down the stairs.

07.09.18

Unloved. Unwanted. Unuseful.

Stuck on the shelf.

I’m trapped in a human I don’t want to be. No matter what I do I can’t get out of her. I don’t want to be her any more. I don’t want to be her any more!

Why won’t anyone hear me? Why isn’t anyone listening?

I don’t want to be her.

Why would I want to be her? Why would I want to?

She is more than a mess. She is worthless. She means absolutely nothing She is a blur, a smudge. Unimportant. Unwanted.

I can’t breathe. I want to claw myself out o her. Shed her skin and break free.

I want to smash everything up. Feel the force as I smash things around the room. Feel the crunch of broken fragments under my foot.

06.09.18

I’ve faded into the background.

I’ve disappeared. All my worst fears have happened and now I’m living my nightmare.

Nothing can make this pain stop. Nothing can make it go away.

It’s becoming so hard to breathe. My face can’t hold a smile.

Why is it so hard to live in this world? The pressure to be something is an unwanted weight on your shoulders.

It’s so easy to go unseen.

Sometimes I stand on tall buildings and I close my eyes and I think… I just think, I never act. I just think and I wonder. I ponder on the what if.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. This empty. This unfulfilled. This useless.

I’m numb all the time when there isn’t pain.

Rainbows and pots of gold feel more and more like fables.

There is no end to this maze of misery.

Tears are destined to fall continually down my face.

Happiness is not my destination.

30.08.18

It’s funny how clearer you see when you finally admit something.

When you finally admit that you hate someone, suddenly you see everything for what it really is.

You realise that you are so much more important in your own life than that insignificant moron, who you once put too high up upon a pedestal.

It’s like all of your senses suddenly come alive, bursts of colour flash before your eyes. You inhale many different scents; some familiar, some not.

You feel taller, all the weight of things that have now been dashed away have stopped pushing you into the ground and you’re able to flourish.

You become renewed, someone different, but in a good way.

That’s how I feel when I think of you. How you blinded me and hooked me in with your poisonous tongue. I fell hook, line and sinker into your smooth lies.

You made me love you, believe that life was better with you in it.

But life wasn’t.

In reality life was a big bag of steaming shit.

I was stuck wearing rose tinted glasses, placed on my head by you.

But they are long since shattered. Long since destroyed.

I am no longer trapped under your spell.

I see the real you. See you for who you really are.

You’re more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re worse.

I could kick myself for falling under your spell. But every mistake helps to shape my future.

So in a way I should thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see these tricks, to ensure that I never fall for them again.

So keep chatting and charming, but just know this. I have been sprinkled with and antidote to your bullshit and I will never be led astray again.