29.12.18

All my things were packed up into bags and boxes.

I thought I would feel weird. This place had been home for me for nearly 10 years. Well I used the term home loosely. This place had been far from a home.

A home was supposed to radiate warmth. You were supposed to feel safe at home. I was always on edge here. Trapped. I never felt free. Never in control of my own actions.

Today those feeling were coming to an end. I was getting out of here.

It hasn’t all been bad. Hidden down deep there were a few good memories. Nothing that I could recall at this present time, but they existed.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if it was released frustration or sadness.

I picked up my first box and made my way to the waiting car.

It was over. I was getting my fresh start. I was finally getting my shot at happiness.

After the final box was moved. I closed the door and got into the car. As I did up my seatbelt I refused to look back. I had already said my goodbyes long ago.

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28.12.18

There was nothing better than someone doing something special for you.

You get this warm gushy feeling that pools in your stomach and spreads all around you.

You get that flushed feeling and your cheeks are warm to the touch. Your heart feels like it’s wrapped up in bubbles.

That’s exactly how I felt when I opened the locker and found three mini cheesecakes wrapped up in foil.

Lemon to be precise. My favourite.

He had pressed the key into my hand and with a smile proceeded to tell me that he had left a surprise for me.

Locker 13.

An unlucky and unfavored number to many.

But to me it was the start of something new. A blossoming beginning.

I bit into the cheesecake, the hunts of lemon waking up all of my tastebuds.

A smile washed over me.

I think I was falling in love.

25.12.18

My eyes felt heavy as the day began to draw to a close.

I felt full and happy. Stuffed on turkey and all the trimmings. What a day. Surrounded by family and food. What other way was there to spend Christmas?

My feet were more than doggone tired but I would survive.

For one day of the year I could forget about all the woes that were constantly running about my head and just be happy.

Happy, a word that I would never thought I would ever use to describe myself. But here I was basking in all its glory.

The corner of my eye spied the chocolate log that I hadn’t yet eaten; to give into temptation or not to give into temptation? Now that was the question.

It took me all of one second to make my decision.

20.12.18

Who would have thought that something that comes so natural to many, held the power of changing your mood. Turning it a whole 180.

Something that you didn’t have to pay for, but you could do if you wanted a professional.

The body was such a powerful tool.

That’s what was running through my head as I stared at the chip of paint that was hanging on for dear life to the ceiling.

Why wouldn’t it just fall?

I looked back at Lucy, she had a kind face. The type of face that held reassuring powers. I guess that’s why she had become a therapist.

My finger continued to play with a piece of thread that had come lose on the bottom of my sweater.

The weight that continued to press down hard on my neck, was easing up. Verbal diarrhoea was spewing out of my mouth as I confessed my inner most secrets, spoke on things that I would never tell anyone that I knew. I spoke about the darkness that I never seemed to be able to shake. This was a no holds barred situation.

When my mouth finally came to a rest. I felt lighter. Free.

It truly was good to talk.

I had made the first step, working on getting better. I didn’t want this darkness to stop me from living life. I wouldn’t allow it to win. I wasn’t going to allow it to fully consume me. I would soon hold all the power and it would cease to exist.

I was looking forward to being in control of myself.

A smile slowly crept over my face and I continued to speak.

19.11.18

Most of the time my head feels like it’s stuck in a cloud of fog. It’s heavy, weighted down by worry after worry after worry.

I’m a prisoner shackled to doubt.

I want to break through. I want to be brave.

My feet edge closer to the sea. The sand feels hot under my heels. My eyes are closed.

The sun beats down on me and the sounds of the waves guide me. One more step and I’ve made it. The water pools around my ankles and I open my eyes.

I turn around and scan around the beach for you. When I finally locate you a feel a tingle run through me. This is happiness. This is a moment that I will store forever in my memory banks, and pull out when time doesn’t feel that good.

When even the sun itself can’t gage a smile from me. When the envelopment of a duvet is more appealing than getting up and facing the day. I look back to moments like this and they make me feel almost human again.

They remind me that this is not forever. That the storm will come to an end.

I lock eyes with you and your smile draws me back to the shore.

18.12.18

You came into my life when it was so stagnant.

You were the spark that lit the fireworks inside of me.

Woke me up from the coma I had fallen into. You brought me back to life.

Now that you’re gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I stare blankly at walls hide myself from the outside world.

Sometimes I hear bird songs and it makes me cry, not with sadness but with joy.

I think back to the times we used to run through the rain, throwing our heads back as we allowed the droplets to fall down on our faces.

I miss you, but I was glad to have known you, glad to have experienced a life with you.

It will never be a goodbye from me. I will never let you die, you will live on forever through me.

15.12.18

The icy wind brushed my cheeks and I opened my eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of winter.

I loved winter, I loved the harsh bite of cold as it blew its icy breath across the land. I didn’t even mind the cold toes and fingertips every now and again. It was a reminder that I was still alive.

A smile slowly crawled across my face as I took in the scene. It was a frosty morning and the lawn was covered in a frozen blanket. Cold but not cold enough for snow.

I pulled my dressing gown closer around me and stepped outside. I closed my eyes again and inhaled some more of that good cold winter air.

Yes this was the stuff that mornings like this were made for. As the icy air made its way through my lungs, I began to feel reborn and rejuvenated.

A warmth of happiness swept through me, starting at the base of my spine and working it’s way up until I felt myself basking in its glow. My smile bigger than ever.

Yes, I was a winter baby through and through.

28.11.18

I was floating. I was on cloud ten, mount Olympus high. I never wanted to get down from here. I was in the land of dreams and I had no plans to come back down.

It had been a hard few months. Work was far and few between and money was a myth. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Food was scarce and bills were going unpaid. The fear of homelessness was at the tip of my mind.

I was scared.

To think that this was my life, is laughable now. I’m in such a good place. I’m happy, healthy and more fulfilled than I have ever been in life.

Who knew all it took was making one small change. One tiny change that would’ve gone overlooked if it wasn’t for Wayne.

Wayne came along when there was nothing else in life. No goals, no future. Nothing. Like a cleaner he swept away all the bad things and with a click of a finger they were all gone.

No more pain, no more worries, no more sadness.

I had never felt better than I had at this moment.

I was in a bubble, free from all the things that had harmed me in the past. Wayne would see to it that I would forever be free, Wayne had helped take that pain away.

I owed everything to Wayne. He was the key to everything that I wanted and needed.

26.11.18

I was fine. I knew I was fine. This is was just a tiny little blip. Something we all experienced whenever things were riding high. Something bad had to happen in order to break up the goodness and let us know what the good things were.

This didn’t mean that it was all going to come crashing down. This wasn’t the end. It was just one small tiny blip.

Something we could get over.

He loved me. It was just a moment of madness. One tiny little moment. Nothing really.

We could move forward, get over this. Forget it had happened. Pretend. Like it had never happened. Like it had never truly ever been a thing. A figment of our warped imagination.

We were fine. We were happy. We were moving on.

But it had happened. It had!

And now where were we stuck in this limbo. This moment of loss.

All because of one tiny little mistake.

A little blip.

23.11.18

I almost forgot who I was.

Almost forgot that I was a living, breathing human. That there was actually a reason for me being here.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that there were people that loved me and people that I loved.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot that I was important, even when I didn’t really believe that. That no matter what I really thought about myself, there was someone amazing wrapped up deep down inside.

I almost forgot.

Almost forgot that I had dreams and aspirations. That I valued my future and wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my goals.

I almost forgot.

I almost forgot what it really meant to be alive.