18.11.18

The cold bit at my feet. By the time I got home I wasn’t going to have any toes left.

I looked back up at the bus timetable. Still 12 minutes, 12 more minutes of standing alone at a bus stop, music and entertainment free, in the middle of winter. Minus temperatures. This was the worst day of my life.

All I wanted to do was cry. But there was no use crying over spilt milk.

I had to suck it up, I had experienced was worse than this. This was nothing.

I looked back up. Still 12 minutes. I felt the anger bubble up inside of me. No this was wrong it had to be wrong. It had been saying 12 minutes for the last 3 minutes. Something wasn’t right here.

All I wanted to do was go home. Curl up in front of the telly with a takeaway and a fizzy drink. But instead I was stuck outside suffering, waiting for a bus in that seemed like it was never actually going to come.

You couldn’t write this shit.

Just when I had given up all hope, my cheeks and nose red from the cold and crying, I caught a haze of red in my bloodshot eyes.

A trickle of celebration ran through me, but I was too frozen to allow the physical reactions to manifest in my body.

This must’ve been what happiness was. Because right now, I don’t think I could’ve been anything else.

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08.11.18

I was sure it was going to happen. It just had to!

Positive thoughts right?

Push the negative away and make room for the things that were important.

I took a deep breath in, counted to three and breathed out.

I felt light headed, like I was floating.

Nothing could touch me now. I was too high up.

All of the darkness, all of the fear, was gone.

I was untouchable.

Unbreakable.

I was in pure and utter bliss.

This was so peaceful.

I was almost happy.

Almost.

There was a patch of grey, threatening to burst me. Threatening to pull me back down to the ground.

I didn’t want it to, but it was growing. It’s sharp teeth and claws lashing out at me.

I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.

Breathing in and out. Pushing the patch until it began to fade.

Fade until it disappeared altogether and I was alone again.

Floating higher and higher.

Closer and closer to my nirvana.

28.09.18

Daydreams of me floating away are becoming ever more frequent.

Life is hard.

It’s more than tough.

The older I get the more I realise how hard it is.

I’ve become weak. The strength inside is depleting day after day.

I’ve lost my nerve. I’m a wreck.

My achievements distant memories. My failures permanent tattoos.

I’ve cried a lake of tears. I’ve cried more tears in a day, than I used to in a week.

Who am I? Am I even normal?

Everything makes me either mad or sad.

The joy is lost inside of me and therefore everyone else deserves to suffer.

Why should others get to laugh and smile, while they remain foreign concepts to me?

Why do others get to be happy when I’m trapped in a pit of doom and gloom?

Every day is a battle to change, change my mindset, change my outlook. But how?

I have no one guiding me, no one to lean on for support.

The world around me is nothing but water and I’m sinking deeper to the bottom. To an unexplored unknown and I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of life now than I have ever been.

The knots in my stomach are getting harder to detangle.

Will there ever be an end to my suffering? Will I ever see normal?

06.09.18

I’ve faded into the background.

I’ve disappeared. All my worst fears have happened and now I’m living my nightmare.

Nothing can make this pain stop. Nothing can make it go away.

It’s becoming so hard to breathe. My face can’t hold a smile.

Why is it so hard to live in this world? The pressure to be something is an unwanted weight on your shoulders.

It’s so easy to go unseen.

Sometimes I stand on tall buildings and I close my eyes and I think… I just think, I never act. I just think and I wonder. I ponder on the what if.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. This empty. This unfulfilled. This useless.

I’m numb all the time when there isn’t pain.

Rainbows and pots of gold feel more and more like fables.

There is no end to this maze of misery.

Tears are destined to fall continually down my face.

Happiness is not my destination.

04.09.18

The stars seemed brighter tonight.

I felt a sense of calm as I looked up at them. The storm had settled. Peace was my narrative now.

To think that it was only last week that I stood under them, tears streaming, eyes raw and I wanted to end it all.

I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again.

I knew it wouldn’t always be like this. Serenity wouldn’t stay forever. So I was going to capture it in all its essence. Bathe myself in the warm glow of it all. Keep a hold of it tightly until it was it’s time to go.

I looked back up at the stars, a smile hugging my face and whispered a thank you.

29.08.18

The stars twinkled above me and the butterflies fluttered away inside my stomach.

A warm wave flowed within me.

I was happy.

It had been through it all and now finally I could smile again.

Dom picked up the bottle and poured me another glass. Why was he so wonderful?

I had never experienced love like this before. It was so foreign to me. I kept waiting for things to go wrong; constantly looking for red flags.

But of course I never found anything. He was pure perfection.

Why couldn’t I just allow myself to be happy?I had to stop thinking that there was an agenda behind everything.

I looked back at the Eiffel Tower basking in all of its glory. This felt like something out of a rom com.

I had always wanted to come to Paris and now I was finally here. With the man of my dreams.

I closed my eyes as I bring my glass to my lips, the aroma of the wine danced across of senses as I inhaled.

This was a night to remember.

14.08.18

Sometimes, I forget I’m not really alone.

That I don’t have to carry all this burden alone.

But I’m a warrior, I’m a strong independent Queen. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable, I can never show weakness. I have to wear this mask and allow everyone else feel comfortable in my presence.

I can’t allow this mask to slip. Never show them the real you, no matter how much pain you are in.

It’s what I’ve always been told, it’s what I’ve always known.

I have to be proud. I have to be strong.

I’ve built up this mantra so much inside, that it’s hard to believe anything else. To see myself as anything else.

Weakness is a failure.

Why would I want to show anyone that? Why would I want someone to see me as less than.

You must always show your best side! At all times. Period.

How can I be strong, yet show others the things that tear me apart?

It doesn’t make sense.

But do I want to keep feeling this way? Do I want to continue slipping downwards? Feeling like shit just to keep up a facade.

Or do I want to feel free, share my vulnerabilities and work on ways to rebuild?

Questions.

14.08.18

Sometimes, I forget I’m not really alone.

That I don’t have to carry all this burden alone.

But I’m a warrior, I’m a strong independent Queen. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable, I can never show weakness. I have to wear this mask and allow everyone else feel comfortable in my presence.

I can’t allow this mask to slip. Never show them the real you, no matter how much pain you are in.

It’s what I’ve always been told, it’s what I’ve always known.

I have to be proud. I have to be strong.

I’ve built up this mantra so much inside, that it’s hard to believe anything else. To see myself as anything else.

Weakness is a failure.

Why would I want to show anyone that? Why would I want someone to see me as less than.

You must always show your best side! At all times. Period.

How can I be strong, yet show others the things that tear me apart?

It doesn’t make sense.

But do I want to keep feeling this way? Do I want to continue slipping downwards? Feeling like shit just to keep up a facade.

Or do I want to feel free, share my vulnerabilities and work on ways to rebuild?

Questions.

08.08.18

The feeling of disgust battles through me on the odd occasion and no matter how many affirmations I throw at it, it just won’t leave.

It picks me apart bit by bit. You’re too fat. You’re ugly. You have too many spots. Your hair is shit.

Attack after attack, after attack. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up.

It’s a little demon that I just can’t get rid off, and when it leaves best believe it won’t be long before it returns ready to rip me to more shreds.

Digging its heels deeper and deeper into my back.

I pray for a day that I can pick it up and kick it away so hard that it shatters to pieces.

I’m trying to get strong, day by day I’m building up my armour until it becomes impenetrable.

Until those whispers of discontent are nothing more than faint, inaudible bleeps in the wind.

07.08.18

As I lay here on this broken shitty bed, I started to contemplate my life. Where it was going and what I was doing.

Nothing and nowhere.

I was mad, angry and tired, all three at the same time.

Why was life like this, what had I done?

My head and heart felt busted and bruised.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life, it was supposed to be better, I deserved better.

Sparks of red and black, were all I could see, my vision was no longer clear.

If I wasn’t crying, I was punching walls.

I felt like I was being set up, that someone was playing a cruel trick on me and that this life belonged to a mean nasty person. Not me.

You’ve got the wrong person I felt like screaming.

But was I the wrong person? Was I actually the bad person who actually deserved this life?

It was way too puzzling to answer.