26.09.18

Fear brushed my cheek, like the touch of a former lover.

Lingering unwanted.

It was now or never. I had to take the plunge. I had come too far now to back of out this.

Why had I agreed to do this?

I was a big fat scaredy cat, everything scared me. There was nothing that didn’t. I was a big ball of walking fear and anxiety, so how they hell I had found myself in the here and now; I honestly couldn’t answer.

I gulped back the air. I could feel panic building up inside of me.

Must stay strong, must beat the fear.

I could do this! I knew I could do this.

I could do anything if I put my mind to it, and that’s what I was going to do. I was going to put my mind to it.

I was going to do it. This was it. No backing out now. I had reached the end point.

I turned around and smiled, a warmth ran through me as I saw those that I loved. They were here for me. They were supporting me.

I could do this!

I turned back around and stepped forward.

This was it.

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05.08.18

They say we’ve all got a little bit of psychopath in us.

Sometimes I daydream about your death.

I’ve seen you fall down the stairs and crack your skull multiple times.

I’ve seen you crushed by a bus, have a meteor fall onto you, seen the volts that tore through your body when you were electrocuted.

I’ve seen you die in so many ways. Each time giving me that little bit more joy than the last.

So every time you speak to me disrespectfully, every time you think that you hold some power over me; in my head you are slowly dying.

Your eyes look up to me pleading for help. But I just stand there, I stand there are your eyes grow larger and glaze over. I hear that last raspy pop of breathe and then it’s all over.

You’re gone.

I’ve killed you so many times in my head, but never by my own hand. I’ve killed you over and over, again and again. I’ve watched you suffer and feel weak and defenceless.

So when you talk to me the way you do, who really holds the power?

14.07.18

I’m stripping off and stepping into the limelight and I don’t care who sees me.

You might’ve been afraid. You might’ve been ashamed, but I’m tired of fading into the background. Being your dirty little secret. I deserve so much more than you.

How dare you put yourself so high up on a pedestal and try to make me feel so much lower than I actually am.

Why do I have to feel privileged to be with you? You should feel privileged to be with me.

Today I’m stepping outside of the shadows. Stepping out from behind you, to the front of the stage, because I have a voice and a face. And I’m no ones guilt anything.

01.07.18

Triumphant.

That’s how I felt when I had finally done it.

Power was finally in my hands. Who would have thought that someone so small could hold so much?

I felt a strange wave surge through my body.

It was a tingly sensation.

Is this what it felt like to win? No wonder those who were always on top did whatever they could to remain.

I felt like I was walking above the clouds.

The smile on my face couldn’t be replicated.

This felt so good.

It felt more than good, this was perfection.

Nothing could come along now to tarnish this feeling.

I was way too high to be touched.

Confidence was an amazing feeling to possess.

29.06.18

For so long I had been overlooked.

I was never the pretty one, the funny one.

Never the one that was picked first.

Whilst others had queues around the block, I was the solo one.

Not one eye glimpsed my way.

I was the butters friend.

The one that tagged along to give support. The hype girl. There to gass up the one that they all flocked to.

What was wrong with me?

Why wasn’t I good enough?

Why did they never pick me?

Why didn’t they want me?

The ugly one.

The unwanted one.

Labels that I fixed upon myself for so long, that I truly started to believe.

I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I was destined to stay on the shelf and never get down.

But one day I looked at myself. Really looked and I was shocked at what I saw.

I took in things that I used to think were ugly.

My lips were amazing. So many pumped chemicals into theirs, in order to get the plumpness that came so naturally to me.

My nose spoke of my history, told tales of those who came before me. Rich in their experiences, their stories, their greatness.

I was worth more than what I knew.

I didn’t need the validation of other people to prove this.

Every day that I woke up and kept being me, was testament to the greatness that I was.

Now I walk with my head held high. My feet bounce as I stride with confidence and purpose.

I live to please one person and one person only.

Me.

23.06.18

Laughter, stops me from crying.

If I stop laughing I start crying and there is no way I want to start crying.

I don’t want you to win.

I don’t want you to think that you’ve affected me.

I push your words away from me, so they are nothing more than a bobbing boat far across the sea.

I am stronger than anything that you can ever say to me.

I keep laughing until it becomes real.

When glee warms my heart instead of anger and sadness.

I’m so much stronger that I give myself credit for.

I am a warrior in this war. I will overcome you. I will make you see that the power that you believe you hold over me is nonexistent.

I live for me and no one else.

No one else will profit from me besides me.

The decisions that are made in regards to me, will be made by me.

I am… me.