02.07.18

You are more than what you know.

For everyday you have spent on this earth, there is still so much more for you to discover about yourself.

You can only see yourself through your eyes and through your own thoughts.

You don’t hear the things that others think about you.

All the greatness that radiates off you and beams into them.

For every bad thought you have about yourself, there is someone out there that is thinking something great about you.

You are more than what you think about yourself and how you see you.

My life without you was lacking and now your in it, it would feel weird for you to ever leave.

Every breath that you breath, every footstep you make as you walk, leaves a part of you behind.

A part of you that we the world get to embrace.

Never think that you are not good enough.

You are more than good enough.

You are you.

And you is amazing.

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29.05.18

mental-health-1420801_1920

I want nothing more than to have a life. A life that excites me and gets me out of bed in the morning. No matter if the sky is blue or grey I want to get up and feel like the oxygen that I breathe is worth it.

Even though my heart beats and blood pumps around my body I haven’t lived in such a long time. I died a long time ago.

I’ve stopped living and I can’t remember when I died. Everything I do is a distraction because I know my life is over.

Nothing that I do brings me real happiness. Every time I try it’s always one step forward two steps back.

I don’t want to make goals any more because no matter what I do they are always unreachable. Something comes a long to trip me up and I fall. I keep falling and falling and it’s so hard to get back up and keep going that I just lie there.

I used to be such a happy person. I have an amazing smile and my laugh can be heard for miles. I haven’t laughed properly in such a long time. Whenever I laugh now, it’s from one of my distractions. It’s not sincere because underneath my laugh lies so much pain.

The pain that has been built up and been bubbling for so long it’s become a comfort blanket for me. I wear it around my shoulders like a cloak. It’s fastened with a pin that is unbreakable.

I feel like an impostor in this life. I’ve come along and messed it all up. This life that had a perfect map, a perfect destination has been ruined, because I came and tampered with it.

All the goals and wishes that were made were broken by me. I ruin everything. I’m rot. I come along and cause death to everything that I touch. I shatter dreams, kill futures.

I killed myself and nothing that I do will ever revive me.

I’m destined to be forever broken.

Regret is a deeper wound than failure.

I have a big fear of failing and that is why 99.9% I don’t go after the things I love or want to do.

Nearly a year ago I saw an advert for a Dreamgirls open audition, for a west end performance of the show.

Now those that know me know that I am in love with Dreamgirls. Ever since I watched the movie I have been obsessed. 

I have the official soundtrack and even managed to pick up the screenplay from a bookshop from my vacay to L.A last year.
When the movie first came out I fell in love. I was in total awe of Jenifer Hudson.

I even watched the Broadway performance of ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’ like a hundred million times.

I  also know all the lyrics to ‘It’s all over’. All of the parts. All of the parts!

“I turn my back and I find my self out on the line. You coulda warned me but that woulda been too kind..”

Sorry I’ll stop there.

Sometimes I find myself bursting into song and singing a random song from the soundtrack. It got so bad, that there was actually a time where I would burst into song in the street and sing the ears off one of my closest friends.

I walk talk and talk non stop about how I wanted to produce my own version of Dreamgirls and bring it to London. On and on I went.

So when the opportunity to actually be in a real live official performance of my ultimate show. I chocked. I literally chocked. I just couldn’t go to the audition. All these naysaying thoughts ran through my head.

“You’re not good enough.”

“You’re not a singer.”

“You’re voice is not on par with the other people who probably have amazing voices.”

On and on I went. I talked myself out of it and I never went. 

This week an email arrived in my inbox offering me a deal on tickets to the show and I nearly died.

A big shadow of doom and gloom washed over me and the deep set feeling of regret burned inside of me.

If only I had gone, I might be in the show right now, instead of being miserable.

But no I didn’t go and all I’m left with is the ‘if only’s’.

The feeling of regret and the shoulda would coulda’s burns brighter and cuts deeper than failing to get something. Because at least if you fail at something you can turn around and say “hey well at least I attempted it and I lived to tell the tale”.

A lesson I have learnt is that I should never fear the thought of failing. I mean I did the XFactor audition and failed at that and I came out the other side smiling and now I have a interesting fact about myself. And that was hella embarrassing. But alack that story is for another time.

So boys and girls the moral of today’s tale. Is to reach for the stars. If you truly madly deeply want something. Go after it. Because it’s better to have tried and either failed or succeeded, rather than to have lived life with deep regrets. 

😎