22.06.18

silhouette of man touching woman against sunset sky

A whole smile.

He turned around and gave me a whole smile.

I felt my legs go wobbly, my stomach leaped.

The gods had heard my prayers. They had heard my weeping cries for him to notice me and now after all this time he finally had.

I wanted to unscrew my bottle and pour the whole thing over me.

What did I do next? I thought to myself. Did I smile back, did I walk over to him, did I open my mouth to talk to him? What was the protocol in this situation? What did one do?

Oh no he was turning around, I was gonna lose my chance.

This was it make or break.

My feet began to move and before I knew it I was standing right in front.

The words ‘hi’ slipped, out of my mouth before I could even stop.

He turned back around and dazzled me with his killawatt smile again and mirrored my hi.

I could’ve died, I could’ve died then and there.

This was in heaven, paradise, nirvana. I was floating in my own happiness.

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21.06.18

I noticed you before you noticed me.

You had this look of sadness, that was hidden under a mask of a smile.

It seemed that you carried so much weight on your shoulders. The burdens of so many.

I wanted nothing more than to remove that weight. To throw them off. To relieve you of them.

I wanted to shake away your sadness and place a real smile on your face.

But most of all I wanted you to notice me too. To see that I saw you.

20.06.18

The bombings were getting closer.

I huddled near the bed with my little sister, under our makeshift fort. The top corner of my tshirt was soaked through by her tears.

I slowly stroked her head as her shoulders shook from crying.

I was scared but I tried my best to soothe her. To reassure her.

The sound of people screaming, lit up the night. The soundtrack of the past couple of hours.

It had come on so sudden. There had been no warning. No one had seen it coming.

I had always joked about it in the past. What I would do if it ever happened?

But I never believed it would.

It just seemed so outrageous, so unbelievable. So far fetched.

But I was wrong. It was happening right now and we were in the thick of it.

I closed my eyes and began to hum.

I rocked my sister in my arms, doing my best to keep her safe, as the sounds of bombings and screams played out around us.

19.06.18

Was it a crime of passion or passionate crime? Who knew.

All Abi knew was that she was not guilty.

She had been set up and she was sticking to her story.

The prosecution came in hard at her again.

Throwing around big words and threats.

Her lawyer had said it was a bad idea her taking the stand, but she wanted them to see her. See that she could never have done the things that she was being accused of doing.

What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

She was here to plead her case.

She just had to prove to them that she had been set up and then they would believe her.

They would believe her right?

They had to, they had to believe her. She was innocent.

They didn’t lock up innocent people right?

Did they?

Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken the stand.

What if they didn’t believe her and sent her away?

She would be locked up for a crime that she had never committed.

She felt her shoulders sink.

All her life she had played by the rules. Only to end up locked away for something she hadn’t even done.

How was this justice?

How was this fair?

18.06.18

abundance agricultural agriculture arm

I feel like I’m the last bag of bread that nobody wanted to select because I’m a bit battered, but because there’s no other alternatives I was.

The feeling of not being wanted… how do you wake up one morning and just decide that you don’t want someone. That you don’t want them a part of your life any more. That anything other than you being a part of their life was good.

How?

I could never, I could never knowingly hurt someone that way, to make them feel like they were nothing. That they were less than dust. That they were less than a particle.

How?

Do you just flip a switch and then pow, your emotions, your feelings are gone?

Just like that.

I don’t want to be the unwanted one.

I want to be the shiny new loaf that everyone wants.

16.06.18

Who knew?

It was never supposed to get this far.

It was only supposed to be a joke and now here we were.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead as my stomach lurched.

I was going to throw up, I knew it.

The salt from my now dry tears were stinging my red swollen eyes.

He looked down at us.

His smile wrapped with both evilness and glee.

He was in power now. He had flipped it over on us.

No longer were we his tormenters, he was ours.

He walked over to me.

My shoulders began to shake.

I wanted to scream. Tell him not to hurt me. Plead for my life. But the words wouldn’t form. My throat and mouth had lost of sense of how they were supposed to work and they had failed me.

I closed my eyes and prayed that this was not it.

15.06.18

The pain shot through every part of my body.

I tried to do pain replacement, but it didn’t work. I mean how could it when everything and every place hurt.

I lay in there for what felt like eternity and reflected on my life and the decisions and choices that I had made.

Some of the things were good and some of them were bad. There were things I cherished and things that I would change if I could go back in time.

But no matter how right or wrong, each was a piece that made up the person that I was and who I had become.

A numbness had begun to spread, taking over the pain.

My vision was beginning to blur.

Was I going to die?

My heart began to beat intensely.

I was, wasn’t I? I was going to die.

I was going to die. Here. Alone. In this stupid ditch and no one was going to find my body.

Everyone would just think that I ran away. They wouldn’t know that I had stupidly fallen into this stupid ditch and slowly and painfully died.

I felt tears finally form at my eyes.

I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I would never see the faces of the people I loved again.

That hurt more than any pain I had experienced.

I closed my eyes awaiting the inevitable.

My eyes sprang open to the sound of a dog barking.

14.06.18

All it took was one smile, one kind word and I was happy.

It was so funny to think that small thing held so much power.

That my bad mood could switch itself up so fast just by a simple smile.

I felt my cheeks redden. The heat felt so foreign on my face. For the longest time a scowl had been etched across it. Now a smile that was struggling to stay hidden was in its place.

It had been so long since I had felt this way that I didn’t know how to act.

I smiled back at him. Thanking the mystical powers inside of him for breaking the spell that had taken ahold of me for so long.

13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.

12.06.18

Recovery.

Was slow and long.

Why couldn’t it be faster than this? Yes I knew that I had experienced a major trauma, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to live like normal.

Be who I was before this.

I was sick of listening to people telling me to slow down. Maybe I didn’t want to slow down.

Maybe I wanted to speed up because I wanted my life back!

All I wanted to do was scream and shout at everyone. To tell them to leave me alone.

But what good would that do?

It wouldn’t make me stronger. It wouldn’t make me, me again.

Recovery was slow and long.

But it was worth it.