The Void


Is this even a feeling?



Is this even a feeling?

I’m in limbo. I’m in a vast pool of white. Of nothing. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.

I’m stuck in a void.

If the opposite of happiness is sadness. Why am I not sad? And if I’m not sad why am I not happy?

Why am I not feeling anything? Why can’t I escape? Why can’t I break down these walls?

This is not normal? It can’t be normal right?

Why can’t anyone hear me. I’m shouting and no one is here, no one can hear me.

I’m running and there is no end.

I feel light. But I’m heavy at the same time.

Will this end? Has it even begun?

Is this even a feeling?

I’m scared.








Writer’s Corner: Morning Pages – Songs of a Tortured Soul

My mother is a moaner. She wakes up she moans, before she sleeps she moans.

I can’t remember the last time she went a full day without moaning.

Her moans are loud roars that bounce off the walls and when she’s in a bad mood the whole house knows.

I wonder what happened to make her so bitter? What was the thing that broke inside of her, that turned off her light?

Was there ever a time when she would wake singing songs of joy?

What happened to her smile? Years of negativity have etched a permanent scowl across her face.

Her eyes are the deceivers, you can tell that deep down, locked inside her, trapped by years of hurt, an innocent and pure soul is trying to escape.

It yearns to be free, to knock down the walls that have been built up. This facade. To cast away this intruder.

But until that day, whilst it lays in wait, my mother continues on with her tirade of moans. Moaning from sunrise to sunset.

Writer’s Corner: Night Notes – Swipe Right

I am so tired of being alone!

At this point, I’m destined to be alone forever.

I’m the one that is supposed to sit on the sidelines watching everyone else couple up, smile and suck it up knowing that it will never be me.

I’m supposed to go to all the weddings without a plus one, as I watch couple after couple exchange rings; knowing that I will never feel one on my own finger.

Never will I find the other half to my whole; the person who truly gets me and who I truly get too.

I’m destined to be alone forever.

Sometimes I think, maybe I should have just settled. Settled for the men who would call to me from across the street, as if I was a dog. Men that grabbed my arms and tried to pull me back, just to get my attention. Men that came at me armed with a phone trying to force my digits out of me. Maybe if I had said yes to them I wouldn’t be so lonely now.

Maybe I’m just too picky. If I wasn’t so picky I wouldn’t spend my nights up at 2 o’clock swiping through apps just to find someone who might find me the least bit attractive.
I’m tired of building myself up, trailing through hundreds and thousands of profile pictures, finally finding someone that I think will be my perfect soulmate, only to find that they swiped left on me and what easily could have been a perfect match will never be.

I’m tired of feeling ugly and not good enough. Why can’t I have someone to steal the last fries from, someone I can put my legs across whilst we marathon through Game of Thrones, someone who knows that I’m not ticklish but knows that my Achilles heel is on the back of my neck?

I have so much love to give but no one wants to receive it. 

I’m so tired of being lonely.

Will there ever be someone out there for me?

Writer’s Corner – Night Notes – Before You

I haven’t done this in a while but here’s a little short I wrote tonight…
Droplets fall from your eyes, and slide down your face like kisses from the angels above. 

You are perfection. 

Never before has beauty such as yours been seen on this world. You radiate the very essence of it.
So as I sit here, hands shaking, holding the knife that I will soon use to end your life; I think to myself why did I put up with this for so long? Why did I allow myself to be used by you, to become your victim?

Why did I allow your beauty to cloud my brain, make me forget who I really was?

Before you I was smart. Before you I could see clearly. I would never allow anyone to ever make me feel the way that you did.

How could I be blinded by such beauty that I forgot to be me.

You look at me, your eyes bore into me, begging me to stop.

I can’t. Not this time. I am done giving into you.

I raise the knife again and plunge it into you.

I have the power now.


To read chapter one please click here.

The sweetness of the chocolate fudge danced on Kemi’s tongue sending shock-waves through her body.

She needed this. A morning spent tackling annoying customers who felt that their problems were the biggest of them all, had seriously drained her. She didn’t know how much longer she could take it.

The ambition that she once had, had all but drifted away and she was now just going through the motions.

She wasn’t living, she was no longer human being; she was just a cog in the machine that was a crappy company who did nothing for her.

All of these thoughts were lost as soon as the Triple Chocolate Fudge cake touched her lips, as if a magic spell had been placed upon her.

This was utter bliss. Utter chocolate heaven.

Closing her eyes she allowed herself to be consumed by the sweet goodness.

Oh how she wished that she could stay here forever but she knew she couldn’t.

It may have been Grace’s last day, but Kemi still had to work at Smash Clothing and she wasn’t about to get fired over a slab of cake no matter how tasty it was.

She opened her eyes, allowing the spell to be broken and signalled the waiter over.

“Babe I’ve got to head back.” she said to Grace who was currently under the spell of two gigantic slabs of a Red Velvet Dream cake.

Slowly opening her eyes, Grace gave Kemi a cold stare.

“Why?” she whined.

“Girl I aint about to get fired. Can I get this boxed up please,” Kemi said to the waiter as he finally approached the table. He picked up her plate and headed back behind the counter.

“I get it,” replied Grace, “You don’t want to step on the toes of the dictatorship, me however I’m just gonna chill here, savour the calm before the storm”.

“I’m so jealous I wish I had your balls,” sighed Kemi.

“Listen,” said Grace going in to serious mode, “Look at my face and watch the words that I say.”

“I’m listening,” replied Kemi.


“I can’t!”

“Yes you can, just do it babe, trust me it will feel so freeing”.

“I can’t!” Kemi wailed.

“Why? What the hell is stopping you? You don’t have any loyalties to that place and they sure don’t have any loyalties to you. They would drop you in a hot minute without a thought to it.”

The waiter came back and handed Kemi her box of cake, she smiled at him.

“I know, I know,” Kemi sighed.

“So what is stopping you?” Grace urged.

“Bills, life…” Kemi listed.

“Bills and life, are you being for real Kem? You still live at home. This is the perfect opportunity for you to leave.”

Kemi closed her eyes and exhaled.

“You’re right,” Kemi replied, “I’ve given them nearly a year of my life. Put in my blood sweat and tears and I’ve been passed over for team leader not once not twice but three times. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t allow them to continue treating me like sh*t! You’re right, I have to leave. I’m gonna tell them soon as I get back.”

“See that’s what I’m talking about! Just make sure you go back with that same energy. Good luck babe, I know you can do it.”

Grace pulled Kemi into a massive hug, squeezing the life out of her. God she was gonna miss this. Who else would do this with her? Everyone else in the office was so preoccupied with their weight and the next faddy diet, that even the word cake would be a no no.

Walking out of the bakery, Kemi took one last look back at Grace, she looked so happy, so content. Kemi wanted that. To know and understanding just how she felt. She walked on and tried her hardest to fight back the urge to cry. But she failed. Damn she was gonna miss Grace.

But she couldn’t think about that now she had a mission. She was finally going to hand in her notice. The countdown had ended, now was the time.

Check back next week to see what happens next.

Writer’s Corner – Me Again

I’m suffocating, drowning in this non-existence.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to punch every wall, kick every door.

I want to have a purpose, have some form of validation.

I want to exist. I want a reason to live.

I don’t want to be this invisible loner, lying here decaying.

I want my energy back, my spark.

I want to smile again, laugh until it hurts but still can’t stop.

I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. Stuck with my own thoughts as company; my captive and torturer.

I want this dull pain to stop. I want to rip it out of me. I want to throw it around, beat on it the same way it beats on me. I want to show it that I’m the one in control now.

I want to be me again.

Writer’s Corner: Night Notes – Nose

Most say that it’s the eyes that they first fall in love with. But for me it was your nose, your beautiful strong nose.

I saw that nose and I knew. I knew that you were the one that I wanted to be with; that you were my forever person.

You were standing in a crowd of people and the only thing I could see was you. It was like you had this silver glow around you, a glow so strong that it filtered everyone else out. Blanked out their faces. All I could see was you and all I wanted was you.

I took a deep breathe and made a beeline towards you, making sure that I didn’t spill the drinks that were carefully balancing on my hand. Oh how I hated balancing shit on my hand. It was a massive pet peeve for me. Every move that I made had to be calculated, there was no excuse for error, not with me.

All I wanted to do was sashay up to you. Hypnotise you with my swaying hips, but this blasted drinks tray that was balancing on my hand was keeping me from doing this.

Instead I sheepishly sidled up to you. At first I didn’t say anything. I just sort of hovered there, half expecting you to turn around, knock the tray onto the floor, sweep me into your arms and take my breathe away with your kiss. That strong nose of yours battling with my own.

But you were so engrossed in your conversation with the lady with the synthetic wig, that you didn’t even notice that I was there.

Finally I built up my confidence and opened my mouth to offer you a drink. Without looking my way you waved me off. Deflated I headed back to my starting position. The blasted drinks tray feeling heavier than ever before.

I watched you all night. You never left your spot. I served countless blank underserving faces. But not you. Not once did you look my way.

After the final drink was drunk and the final canapé was eaten, with a heavy heart I left.

As I waited outside for my cab to arrive, thoughts of our future life, our house, our kids, little trips to the beach and picnics in the park plagued my head.

I checked my phone for the umpteenth time, for the status of this cab that was supposedly only 5 mins away; and then suddenly there you were.

Time stood still, the noises around me on pause.

You asked me for a light and as a non-smoker who keeps a lighter in her bag for such occasions I produced you with one.

You sparked up and I felt my heart flutter and beat back to life. Your voice melting my insides as you spoke of your distaste of evenings such as this.

You asked me my name and 10 minutes later we knew each other’s hopes and dreams.

A notification that my driver had cancelled on me propelled me back to the living and the fear of not being able to get home from the north of London to the south of London sent shockwaves through me.

As if sensing my fear you offered to share a cab with me, only because you were going in that direction anyway and how you could never leave a damsel in distress.

The cab pulled up and we both got in and thus began the greatest love story ever told.

Writer’s Corner: Morning Pages – You

So today I decided that I would start doing writing challenges to get over my slump and writer’s block and be more active with my writing.

Today’s challenge was to write in the second person perspective.

This surprisingly felt very natural, and it was exciting writing in a narrative that I’ve never tried before.


You stand there, in the middle of the floor, the lights from above illuminating your skin. Your eyes burn fiercely as you spot him. “Oh nothing spesh, just chilling at home,” replays in your head as you watch him whining hard on some girl who is the polar opposite of you.

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Writer’s Corner: Morning Pages – Your Smile

A smile can tell a thousand words. Well your smile can tell a thousand more. In fact your smile can tell a story, a whole book.

When I see that huge smile creep up on your face, a sense of calmness runs through me. It makes me feel safe.

I want to wrap myself in the comfort blanket of your smile. Dance in this moment forever.

Writer’s Corner: Finger Guns

bubble gun

When your back is turned I like to throw up my fuck you fingers. I keep throwing them up until a sense of euphoria trickles through me. It makes me feel powerful.

Most times I do it when I’m not in the same room as you. But on the odd occasion I like to do it when you’re near. The adrenaline kicks through me, will you turn around when I’m halfway through and catch me at it?

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