20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

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20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

14.11.16

The brush moved back and forth over the oil stain. But no matter the ferocity used it would not fade.

I wiped away the beads of sweat that had began to form on my forehead.

This was bullshit.

This was complete and utter bullshit.

I should be upstairs with everyone else. Not down here doing this.

I was annoyed. I had spent the whole week preparing for the forty-nine guests, who had stepped foot over the threshold tonight. He only did odd numbers. Even numbers made him feel uneasy. Odd numbers made him feel powerful.

I had planned every single intricate detail, like my life depended on it. Putting my blood, sweat and tears into it all and how did he reward me? By punishing me. Forcing me to stay down here whilst drips of laughter spilled through the floor boards.

Bastard.

I hated him. But yet I loved him all the same. Emotions became tangled in this game. Feelings had no end and no beginning.

I heard footsteps descend down the stairs. They paused at the door. A part of me wanted to scream, to bang on the door and beg to be let out.

But I knew now. I knew that no matter how hard I banged no matter how loudly I shouted. No one would get me.

Another set of footsteps followed the previous and hushed but excited voices flowed through the cracks in the door.

I placed my ears on the door to listen.

The lust from the man’s voice was deep and raw, as was his partners. Talking, turned to kisses and images of their hot and steamy embrace flittered through my mind. A rush of warmth ran through my body and I sprang from the door as if it had burnt me.

I scuttled back over to the oil stain and continued to brush away at it with sad strokes.

10.11.18

His piercing eyes bore into my heart.

Even from behind a screen he still had the power to make me feel like a giddy school girl.

Was this love or was this lust?

How could I feel such a thing for someone I hadn’t even met? Someone I didn’t even know.

Was I being shallow? I didn’t even know one thing about him. I was just going on looks alone. I didn’t know what his favourite colour was. What he liked to eat. I didn’t even know if he could speak English!

The language thing would definitely be a barrier if we ever did meet. How would we even communicate?

The one thing I did know was that he had a massive effect on me.

I had been alone for such a long time. I didn’t even remember what it felt like to be invested in someone in that way. To have strong intense feelings. It felt so foreign. It felt wrong.

But yet I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t turn my feelings off.

My hands hovered over the mouse of my recently typed message. I closed my eyes and pressed down.

This was it. First contact.

01.11.18

He stood in front of me.

His bare chest heaving. Breathing in and out to the rhythm of his heart beat.

I wanted to reach out and touch him. Trace my fingers across his chest, caress the skin that housed his bulging muscles.

He was the living breathing image, that had sat inside of my head for the longest time.

Near, yet so far.

I desired him.

He brought something out in me that I had long since believed to have died.

He had refuelled my hunger and I was ravenous.

I wanted to devour him, piece by piece.

One touch from his was sure to break me into a million pieces. Knock down the damn and let the water run free.

What was he doing to me?

What was this power he held so strongly over me?

I wasn’t usually like this. I was never like this.

But here I was. Sitting in front of him. Heart wide open.

It was more than lust.

This was infatuation.

07.10.18

Little fingers reached up to mine. I looked into the eyes of myself.

It still felt unreal.

How could this small human have come from me?

Cooking for almost 9 months and now she was here.

She was my miracle.

She was my everything. Nothing was greater than her.

I lived for her.

My heart beat faster every time she looked my way.

She was mine, a forever piece of me.

Feelings that I had never felt before came rushing out.

Is this what it felt like to love someone unconditionally?

She was the missing puzzle part in my life and now I was finally complete.

My purpose had finally come to be.

06.10.18

Forgotten stories fluttered all around us.

Memories unwritten. Lost never to be found again.

My heart yearned for days gone past.

Looking into your eyes I couldn’t see the person I was searching for. Staring back was a stranger.

My stomach flipped.

How had it gotten to this?

I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you. To be close to you again.

But you weren’t you.

You were cold.

There was a wall and you were keeping me out.

I missed you.

I wanted the real you back. Not this stranger who had taken over.

Why were you doing this?

What had happened to the person who had claimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

How could you go from loving someone to not, in the blink of an eye?

I was lost. More than confused.

I just wanted you back.

I silently screamed at you. I envisioned myself shaking you until you snapped out of it.

Until you took back your words and loved me again.

02.10.18

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel your arms around me.

To show me that you loved me.

To make me feel important.

To make me feel like I was valued.

All that I’ve ever wanted was to feel wanted.

To know that my life was important. That I was important.

That I existed for a reason.

That there was a reason for me being here.

It’s not too much to ask. I’m not asking for something that is unattainable.

Just one small tiny little action, that speaks louder than words.

That shouts down to everyone that can hear. That you love me. That you’ve always loved me and always will.

But you can’t can you?

You just can’t do it.

Admitting you love me goes against everything you stand for.

You can’t show your humanity. You can’t allow the metal shield to be dropped. Thaw out your coldness.

Expose the real you.

And because of that I suffer. Because of that I feel less than, worthless, unimportant.

Because of that I am unloved.

30.09.18

Did you ever love me?

I ponder on this more than I should.

Memories of your arms around me, squeezing me to your chest and never wanting to let me go, are so distant to me now. I can’t make out if they are real or whether I made them up.

Do you look at me with love in your eyes and the willingness for my life to be better or do you just look at me with contempt?

I know I’m a disappointment to you. I feel it every time you’re near, every time you take a breathe, every time your heart takes a beat.

No ones love is as important to me than yours.

I wish I could make you proud. I wish I was the reason why you smile. I want you to love me the way that I still love you.

24.09.18

I took a deep inhale in.

My fingers wouldn’t stay still. I kept tapping the side of my bag. It somehow gave me comfort.

I couldn’t stay still. Staying still would mean pausing. And pausing would mean existing for more time without you.

So I continued to tap the side of my bag.

Every now and then I glanced up at the timetable. There were 5 minutes left. 5 more minutes of you not being here.

My heartbeat quickened.

Please be coming.

Please don’t let it be a lie.

I took another deep breathe. I tried to steady my hands, but they continued to tap away.

5 turned into 4, into 3, into 2. Until there was only 1 minute separating us.

I had waited so many years for this moment.

I had never given up hope.

I took a final deep breath and walked towards the door.

Before my hand even touched the engraved metal plate that said push, there you were.

Standing there.

In front of me.

Real.

I felt my spirit leave my body as it joined with yours.

You were really here.

I stood frozen.

I couldn’t move.

Was this a dream?

Would I wake up soon?

You walked over to me and enveloped me into you body.

I could smell that familiar smell that I had missed so much. That I had craved to smell once more.

I was in your arms again and I never wanted to leave them.

We stood there for a while. Just being.