26.05.18

I’m back.

I’m sorry that I had to go, but it was important that I left.

I didn’t want my poison to infect you. To dent your smooth soul.

I didn’t want you to mirror what you saw in me, to follow in my footsteps.

I’m back now and I hope it’s not too late.

I hope we still get to great create new memories, as well as the old ones we shared.

I will never leave again, I promise.

I am here to stay.

Rain, sun, come what may, by your side I will remain.

Advertisements

25.05.18

My hand ran through the grass. I was in utter bliss.

All I wanted to do was lie here forever, with the sun beating down on me.

All my struggles were lost in the wind. I was happy.

Why couldn’t I stay here forever.

A shadow formed over me, blocking the rays of the sun.

It was George.

I took off my shades to scold him.

His big gummy smile beamed down on me.

I couldn’t be mad at him. I sat up and scooped him into my arms. He giggled.

I lived to hear him laugh. It made my heart beat.

To think this ball of sunshine had once lived inside of me.

They say that a mother’s love was the most strongest love, just looking at my son I knew that was true.

24.05.18

I’m mad at myself. I keep wasting opportunities and I don’t know why. I can see myself in the moment and it’s Iike I’m trapped inside of myself. Banging at the edge of my head, I’m screaming but I can’t be heard.

I’m more than my own worst enemy. I’m the reason why I can never get higher than what I want to be.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I sabotaging myself?

Why do I want myself to fail?

I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to stop myself from stopping myself.

I want to break away from the part of me that wants to stop. But I don’t know how to, or maybe I just dint want to.

I’ve become my own safety net, that I’m too scared to walk the tightrope.

I need to break free, of this voice inside that is blocking me. Telling me that no matter what I do I will never be good enough.

23.05.18

I carry your sins on my back, your pain and all your woes.

You think your alone in this all, that your the only one struggling. But it affects me too. Everything you go through, I go through to.

I experience your blowback.

When you’re happy I’m happy. When your sad I’m sad.

I’m your mirror image. Your carbon copy.

But I’m not you. I’m me.

I want to focus on my own live. Live out every second of my own, without worrying about you.

The sins of a parent run deep.

Please let me free.

Let me spread my wings and soar. Don’t leave me to fester in all of your burdens.

Let me be me.

22.05.18

Silence.

Is there such a thing? I mean could there ever really be pure and utter silence? Have you ever heard silence?

There’s always some form of sound, some kind of noise that is bubbling away in the background. The sound of electrics humming through your house. The sound of the leaves rustling and animals calling out to each other when you’re outside, even the soft whisper of the wind that dances outside your ears.

There is no such thing as silence.

It doesn’t exist.

It’s a social construct that was invented by humans to deceive ourselves into thinking that there was an end to noise.

The world is noisy.

Everything is noisy.

I can’t stop the sounds that run through my head.

I want to scream at them to stop, I want to punch them out. Knock them down.

But no matter what I do, the noises are constant. Gnawing at me, their steady beat pit patting against the side of my skull.

Why won’t they stop!

Why won’t they leave me alone?

I just want them to go away!

21.05.18

The pain bit at my stomach, I wanted to claw at it until the pain disappeared.

Why was this happening to me, I screamed as I got in all fours and rocked softly from side to side.

Another stabbing pain attacked me and I curled my toes.

This was too much to bare, I knew that people went through this everyday, but that didn’t soothe the pain away.

If only I had been more careful then I wouldn’t be in the situation that I was in now.

Tears began to form at the corner of my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t have said yes to that second helping of food.

My stomach was a mess right now.

20.05.18

All I want to do is sit down with a nice cold glass of orangeade and rest my feet.

It had been a long day. I was tired. My back ached something serious and it was begging for a massage.

I ran the knife through a fresh sheet of tissue. The crimson streaks of blood soaked into it, as it wiped the knife clean.

I made sure to wipe the handle making sure that no prints were left;I was no longer a rookie at this, there was no place for mistakes.

I placed the knife back in its slot and stepped over the body.

In and out in less than 20, I was getting better at this.

The cool air hit me as I stepped outside and made my way towards my car, that I had parked a few streets away.

I inhaled the sweet smells of freshly mown lawns. I did love spring, it truly was the most beautiful of all seasons.

19.05.18

I had never known a love like this before.

The kind of love that makes you feel as if you might suffocate if the person that means more to you than anything else in the world is not near to you.

I had never known it before him.

I had been all alone for such a long time. I thought that I was destined to be alone forever, that there wasn’t someone out there for me.

But like with most things I was wrong.

He came into my life with such force and swept me up in to his storm of love.

I truly had found my soul mate. The person who loved me unconditionally and who knew me more than I knew myself was now apart of my life.

As I stood there before him and the rest of my love ones, a sole tear fell down my cheek.

I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

I had finally found my prince.

18.05.18

Bloodshot red and burning, the tears peppered my eyes.

I rolled over onto my side to check my phone for the umpteenth time.

Still no missed call. No text, nothing. This time it seriously was over.

But why did I feel so broken?

I should be hanging upside down from a chandelier, celebrating my newfound freedom.

It’s not like he was even a catch really. He was the worst kind of human and I was way too good for him.

But he had something about him, that attracted me to him like a fly on shit and I was lost in everything that he was.

I could kick myself now, thinking back in how dumb I had been. How I had hung off every false word that rolled of his tongue.

I wanted to tear my heart out of my chest and stomp on it. I was angry, how could I still pine for someone who had treated me so rotten.

But the heart wants what the heart wants, and it had only been a day.

I would cry for now; allow the streaks of too long worn mascara to run down my cheeks and then build myself back up to a point, where I was strong enough not to go back to him.

17.05.18

I washed the feeling of dread off me. It was over u had done what needed to be done.

A new feeling if euphoria replaced the fear that had been dancing on my shoulders for the past couple of days.

I was free now. And what a feeling it was. I laughed at how afraid I had been.

It really wasn’t that much of a big deal. But at the time it was the biggest thing ever.

Funny how something so minuscule had the power to affect you so much.

I looked up at the sky and smiled for the first time in forever.