20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

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20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

03.11.18

I wake up with so much worry in my soul.

My brain is more active than my body. By the time I get up, it’s run marathons.

My mind wonders so far that sometimes it’s too hard to catch up and I often find myself walking around aimlessly; trying my hardest to find myself.

I’m forever questioning myself. Criticisms come easy to me.

Sometimes I wish I could shut myself down. Flick the reboot button and come back refreshed.

Dark rooms have become my constant companions.

Here I can hide from life. Hide from the things that threaten to make me feel blue.

I wish I could stay here forever, but hiding never helped anyone and problems don’t go easily away if you don’t confront them head on.

So I push myself back into the light.

And like a deer in front of headlights I stand there, as I am hit left right and centre.

31.10.18

black and white dead die diving

It felt like a rush of water moving over my head suffocating me. I was drowning. Drowning in the life that had somehow been written for me.

My unofficial biography.

A tale that no one wanted to read. An unsold book of failure.

I had allowed myself to be led down the garden path, led astray. Blinded by a reality that may or may not have even been a possibility.

I was left broken and bruised, I was no longer myself.

Who’s hand was this?

Whose Face?

I was a stranger, my soul trapped in a world unknown to me.

I was lost, clawing upwards trying to find a way out of the darkness.

My throat raw from silently screaming.

I wanted to go home. Where were my ruby slippers, my fairy godmothers?

I wanted to bash, bash, break. Fracture the silence. Fracture the darkness.

Let the pain that had built up slowly dissipate, until I was alone. Safe. Far away from the monster that had climbed into my bed from underneath.

Hello.

Can anyone hear me?

Bash, bash, break.

Please help me.

End this everlasting curse that has been placed upon me.

I’m scared.

I want to live again.

I need to breathe.

 

 

 

30.09.18

Did you ever love me?

I ponder on this more than I should.

Memories of your arms around me, squeezing me to your chest and never wanting to let me go, are so distant to me now. I can’t make out if they are real or whether I made them up.

Do you look at me with love in your eyes and the willingness for my life to be better or do you just look at me with contempt?

I know I’m a disappointment to you. I feel it every time you’re near, every time you take a breathe, every time your heart takes a beat.

No ones love is as important to me than yours.

I wish I could make you proud. I wish I was the reason why you smile. I want you to love me the way that I still love you.

09.09.18

conmanWolf in sheep’s clothing.

You come round here with your slick suits and manipulate your way into people’s lives. Get your feet under the table, set your roots deep within the soil and then when the iron is still hot you strike.

You reveal your true colours, show us who you really are. But now it’s too late. We can’t escape from you. We are too far gone.

You continue on with your oily words. Trying to manipulate all those around you. Trying to convince them that you’re a good person, but you’re not.

You are the worst thing to have ever walked in here. You are the poison and there is no antidote.

You cheat, lie commit the worst atrocities. Again and again, worming and sneaking. And again and again, you are let off. Warmth is rewarded after the storm.

You will never change. You can only get worse. Sitting high up in your comfort zone. Thinking that you are better than everyone else. Believing in your own lies. Getting off Scott-free.

But I see you. I know the real you. The spell wore off me and you will never again gain my respect.

You are less to me. I don’t even pity you. You disgust me. The more breathe that continues to flow through your respiratory system, the greater I hate you.

Images of your death please me. Your tyranny in my life will end. The power over me that you believe you have, will cease to exist and you will become nothing more than a faded memory.

 

30.05.18

sunflowerI’m sad.

Sad and lonely.

Sad, lonely and bored.

I struggle with seeing the good things in life and I’m bogged down with all the things that are bad and wrong.

The side in me that wants to quit, seems like it’s the winning side recently. My get up and go attitude has diminished so much. All I want to do is dive under my covers and disappear.

Disappear into a world where I mean something, where I’m important. Where life has a purpose and I have some sort of value.

I crave this world so much, that my heart yearns for it, more than it does the real world.

Every breath I breathe out here, is a breath that is stolen from the other world, stolen from the other me. The me that I want to be.

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to have to struggle and suffer any more . I just want to be at peace.

I want to lay down and have the sun smile down at me and tell me that everything is okay now, that I am worth something, that I am important.

That I’m special.

I am…

color-866082_1920

I am a black woman.

Words that I never really thought about before.

I was always trying to distance myself from it. Market myself as just a woman.

Why should my race have anything to do with who I am? We are all equal right? Race is nothing other than a social construct?

Ha like fuck it is! Race is real people. I live, breathe, bleed race. I am a black woman.

Now more than ever I truly see the beauty of who I am. I am done living in shadows hiding myself. Self hating. Wishing I was something else. I am done hiding behind my hands and seeing the reality of what is happening in the world. Ignoring it. Pretending that it’s not true. That it’s too far away to affect me. That it’s not my problem.

Well it is! It is real and it is happening. For too long people who look like me, who are like me, have been robbed. Robbed of their opportunity to rise, to live, to exist.

Now more than ever I know who I am. Never again will I hide myself. Try and blend in. I want the world to see me. To see us. To see we.

I am a black woman.

I am black!