08.12.18

Eyes heavy. Soul heavy. Body heavy. Joy gone.

Love lived here once upon a time, but it’s long since gone. Cobwebs dot the corners of a once happy home.

I clench and unclench my fist as I lay flat out on my bed. Spots of sunlight peak through holes in the curtain.

I want to get up but I can’t. I’m so weary. I’m weak. I feel heavy. Squashed.

I’m forgotten here. Here I forget.

A smile appears on my face and disappears soon after. My heart beats a steady pace.

I’m at peace. I could be happy. I’m ready to move on. But how can I move on? Life is a rollercoaster and mine is the coaster in the wild, the one that doesn’t stop even when the leaver is pulled. My coaster keeps on going until is crashes into the other coasters and makes a bloody mess.

I am a mess.

I need to get up. But I don’t want to.

I need to get up, but I can’t.

Get. Up.

Advertisements

04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

27.11.18

My chest felt heavy and I was struggling to breathe. I leaned my left hand on the wall to steady myself.

My other hand tossed the laddered tights across the room. I wanted them far away from me.

My head pounded and my throat was dry. I thought to the last time I drank some water, but my mind was blank.

Why couldn’t I remember?

Bile began to bubble in my empty stomach. But I refused to throw up. I wasn’t gonna allow something else to take control of me.

Fatigue hit me like a hard slap across the face. My eyes felt so heavy. All I wanted to do was fall into a crumpled heap right there on the mottled grey carpet. But my body wouldn’t let me.

I wish I had stayed at home. I wish I could press reset on this whole day and start again from the beginning…

My arms stretched before I opened my eyes. I smiled, excited for another day on this earth. I wondered what amazingness was in front of me.

25.11.18

Frustrated tears and frustrated fears, shake the core of me. I am not the girl I used to be. Strangeness lives here now.

Mirrors don’t reflect a person that I recognise. How have I become a person that I once despised.

I want to claw at my face, dig deep until the real me is discovered.

I am a liar. A fraud. I shouldn’t be here. I should be thrown from way up high and destroyed.

I am a useless entity, existing only for the fun and games of another.

Why am I here?

I want to bash my head against the wall, until the memories of yesterday reappear and remind me of what the purpose of this quest really is.

Who am I?

I am a coward. A fool.

Why can’t I face my sins and start again?

Why can’t I be the person I was meant to be from the start?

24.11.18

The distain I felt for you was getting more and more harder for me to hide.

It was beginning to get difficult for me to smile when I really wanted to cut my eyes at you. To laugh at your unfunny jokes when all I wanted to do was push you.

Could you see how I really felt about you?

Was this all just a pretend dance that we both kept dancing just to get through the day?

Would we continue until we dropped down out of exhaustion?

If only the answers were out in the open. If only we could just be honest with each other. But it wasn’t as simple as that.

We were supposed to be in love. People looked upon us a an amazing couple, a dream team. We were #couplegoals. People aspired to one day have what we had. How could we shatter their dreams? Let them know this was a facade, that there was no such thing as the perfect couple, as the perfect love story.

So we continued on every day, smiling and laughing. Covering up the deep distain, hurt and hate we had for each other.

21.11.18

Small drops of blood splattered down onto the floor.

I looked on in horror. A bubbling sensation began to stir inside of me and I began to wretch.

Hot bile spewed out of my mouth.

I had never seen a dead body before. It wasn’t something you came across every day, especially not in this small town. Dead bodies didn’t just appear out of no where. People died in hospitals, inside of their homes. Behind closed doors.

Not here in the open.

I wanted to step around him. Close my eyes and rewind time so I didn’t have to see it. But you couldn’t rewind time and that shocked look on his face would be forever etched on my skull.

Why had he done it?

I guess I would never know why. Tears had begun to fall, without me realising I had started to cry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Our short but intense life together began to dance across my mind. I would miss him like crazy. My heart hurt.

Why had he done this?

Why had he done this to me?

To me?

He knew I would be the one to find him. He must’ve known.

Why did he rob me of my last moment with him? Why did he force this on to me?

Floods of red pounded in my skull. I was angry. Angry, hurt and sad all rolled into one.

14.11.16

The brush moved back and forth over the oil stain. But no matter the ferocity used it would not fade.

I wiped away the beads of sweat that had began to form on my forehead.

This was bullshit.

This was complete and utter bullshit.

I should be upstairs with everyone else. Not down here doing this.

I was annoyed. I had spent the whole week preparing for the forty-nine guests, who had stepped foot over the threshold tonight. He only did odd numbers. Even numbers made him feel uneasy. Odd numbers made him feel powerful.

I had planned every single intricate detail, like my life depended on it. Putting my blood, sweat and tears into it all and how did he reward me? By punishing me. Forcing me to stay down here whilst drips of laughter spilled through the floor boards.

Bastard.

I hated him. But yet I loved him all the same. Emotions became tangled in this game. Feelings had no end and no beginning.

I heard footsteps descend down the stairs. They paused at the door. A part of me wanted to scream, to bang on the door and beg to be let out.

But I knew now. I knew that no matter how hard I banged no matter how loudly I shouted. No one would get me.

Another set of footsteps followed the previous and hushed but excited voices flowed through the cracks in the door.

I placed my ears on the door to listen.

The lust from the man’s voice was deep and raw, as was his partners. Talking, turned to kisses and images of their hot and steamy embrace flittered through my mind. A rush of warmth ran through my body and I sprang from the door as if it had burnt me.

I scuttled back over to the oil stain and continued to brush away at it with sad strokes.

12.11.18

It didn’t feel real and yet it was. As soon as I looked into his eyes I knew.

His whole world had just been crushed, the rug had been pulled from underneath his feet.

I rushed over to him and put my arms around him. He squeezed me hard and lay his head on my shoulder. I felt his hot tears, as they fell onto the back of my neck.

All 5 foot 11 of him shook, as the grief that he had been holding in tore through him and was finally released.

I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He was always there for me; doing the littlest things to make sure I was happy. Now it was my turn. I would be there. Be the rock that he needed, but I felt helpless. I knew nothing I could say would make it better. He would never be the same again.

All I could do was be there for him. Help him through this painful time. Be the ear that he needed and open arms.

I would make sure that he would never be alone. I would be here for him. I wasn’t going anywhere.

11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.