12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

Advertisements

04.10.18

The cool evening air continued to caress my cheeks as I marched on.

I was nearly there. Home.

If I could even call it that anymore.

It hadn’t felt like home in such a long time.

I felt like an imposter, a stranger in another’s man’s home.

How had it come to this?

How did a place that used to radiate so much love and happiness become so sour.

My heart cried out for days long give.

When laugher filled the hallways and the air wasn’t stale with fear.

My hand hovered over the key hole and I felt my heart stop.

This was not my home.

28.09.18

Daydreams of me floating away are becoming ever more frequent.

Life is hard.

It’s more than tough.

The older I get the more I realise how hard it is.

I’ve become weak. The strength inside is depleting day after day.

I’ve lost my nerve. I’m a wreck.

My achievements distant memories. My failures permanent tattoos.

I’ve cried a lake of tears. I’ve cried more tears in a day, than I used to in a week.

Who am I? Am I even normal?

Everything makes me either mad or sad.

The joy is lost inside of me and therefore everyone else deserves to suffer.

Why should others get to laugh and smile, while they remain foreign concepts to me?

Why do others get to be happy when I’m trapped in a pit of doom and gloom?

Every day is a battle to change, change my mindset, change my outlook. But how?

I have no one guiding me, no one to lean on for support.

The world around me is nothing but water and I’m sinking deeper to the bottom. To an unexplored unknown and I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of life now than I have ever been.

The knots in my stomach are getting harder to detangle.

Will there ever be an end to my suffering? Will I ever see normal?

22.09.18

This was the end.

This had to be the end?

I didn’t have any strength left in me to cry.

The dampness continued to soak into my clothes.

Why hadn’t death come yet?

Life just wasn’t ready to give up.

But I wanted to give up. I willed death to come. I was in pain. It was never ending.

Just continuing to tap tap tap away at me. Reminding me that it wasn’t going anywhere.

The rain pelted down on my battered body.

I was sure to die of hypothermia, if not internal injuries.

A song came into my head that reminded me of happier times. Times when I used to laugh.

I smiled. A weak one. But a smile I was.

Death was coming soon. It just had to.

It had to.

18.09.18

I never questioned it. Never thought it was my place.

I went through life oblivious to it. Put my fingers in my ears. Covered my eyes. I was blind to it all.

It wasn’t my place.

Better to be nonchalant about it then to get involved.

Pretend that it wasn’t happening.

I would close doors. Turn music up. Close my eyes and float to another place.

I was anywhere but here.

I didn’t want this to be a reality, so I played dumb to it all.

But as it began to get worse, I could no longer continue to pretend. No longer sit on the fence.

I had to do something. Find a way to stop it.

But I was scared.

What could I do?

I was only one person. There was no way for me to stop it on my own.

So what was I to do?

Was I to go back to silencing it out, or would I at least try?

There had to be some way to make it stop.

There just had to.

10.09.18

Lips on lips.

Skin on skin.

I crave to be touched.

I feel like a leper. Why does nobody want me?

A fat ugly frump, with a too wide nose and too dark skin.

I’m on the end of the spectrum of beauty, if I’m even on it.

I’m far from desirable.

The butters friend.

The overlooked girl in the corner.

The person just there to highlight the beauty of another.

Why would anyone want me?

I’m the butt of the jokes.

The one they talk about in hushed whispers.

I’m not special at all.

I wear my hood and cover my face. Glasses cover my nose and eyes.

I’m a stranger, the one they look past.

No one will ever love me.

Destined to shrivel up unnoticed.

07.09.18

Unloved. Unwanted. Unuseful.

Stuck on the shelf.

I’m trapped in a human I don’t want to be. No matter what I do I can’t get out of her. I don’t want to be her any more. I don’t want to be her any more!

Why won’t anyone hear me? Why isn’t anyone listening?

I don’t want to be her.

Why would I want to be her? Why would I want to?

She is more than a mess. She is worthless. She means absolutely nothing She is a blur, a smudge. Unimportant. Unwanted.

I can’t breathe. I want to claw myself out o her. Shed her skin and break free.

I want to smash everything up. Feel the force as I smash things around the room. Feel the crunch of broken fragments under my foot.

06.09.18

I’ve faded into the background.

I’ve disappeared. All my worst fears have happened and now I’m living my nightmare.

Nothing can make this pain stop. Nothing can make it go away.

It’s becoming so hard to breathe. My face can’t hold a smile.

Why is it so hard to live in this world? The pressure to be something is an unwanted weight on your shoulders.

It’s so easy to go unseen.

Sometimes I stand on tall buildings and I close my eyes and I think… I just think, I never act. I just think and I wonder. I ponder on the what if.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. This empty. This unfulfilled. This useless.

I’m numb all the time when there isn’t pain.

Rainbows and pots of gold feel more and more like fables.

There is no end to this maze of misery.

Tears are destined to fall continually down my face.

Happiness is not my destination.

02.09.18

I sat wishfully by the window.

It felt strange without the tree.

Memories of it’s pale pink blossom floated through my head.

A stump left where it once stood so tall and proud. I wish it was still here. But the new neighbours didn’t want it and who was I to tell them not to.

Minutes turned into hours and still I sat there.

I didn’t know why I still did this?

It had been years.

But I still kept the hope alive.

Sometimes miracles happened.

There used to be a swing attached to the tree. In the summer the children next door would spend hours on it. I can still hear their laughter.

I wish it was still here.

The sun sets and then the moon appears. I continue to stare out.

This is my ritual now.

Every December. Hoping and waiting.

Hoping and waiting for him to come home.

But he never does.

It’s been 35 years. 35 Decembers and he still hasn’t come home.

But I won’t stop.

I won’t give up hope.

I’ll just sit here by the window, next to the stump where a tree once stood tall.

And I will continue to wait.

01.09.18

“Who was it?”

The crowd looked up and stared blankly ahead. No one wanted to admit that it was them.

At the corner of my eye I saw Rebecca inch forward.

What the hell was she doing?

I quickly grabbed her hand and held it tight.

She wouldn’t say anything, not if I had my way.

The voice shrieked again.

I felt Rebecca tremble.

“Don’t you dare,” I whispered to her through gritted teeth.

She turned her head to look at me, her eyes glazed with guilt.

“I have to,” she said to me without moving her lips.

My mouth went dry.

I squeezed her hand to stop her, but it was too late. She had made up her mind.

Slipping from my grip she stepped forward.

There was silence.

Without warning, a loud cacophony of bullets rang out and then I saw her body slump to the ground.

The scream left my mouth before I could stop it.

I felt my body dragged backwards as people began to flee.

As I was being pulled away, I stretched out my hand in her direction. I wanted to reach out to her. To shake her awake and run away from her.

But she was gone and it was all my fault.