21.06.18

I noticed you before you noticed me.

You had this look of sadness, that was hidden under a mask of a smile.

It seemed that you carried so much weight on your shoulders. The burdens of so many.

I wanted nothing more than to remove that weight. To throw them off. To relieve you of them.

I wanted to shake away your sadness and place a real smile on your face.

But most of all I wanted you to notice me too. To see that I saw you.

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13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.

09.06.18

It was unhealthy. It was so unhealthy.

I wanted to scream at her, run at her and shake her shoulders.

Why don’t you love me? What’s wrong with me? Why do you despise me so much?

I was never a part of her plan.

A child when she was still a child. She couldn’t afford to keep me so I went to live with a friend of her mother’s, whilst she worked three jobs to keep me in food and clothes.

Maybe that’s when our bond broke. She never really got the chance to mother me.

Someone else was my mother. The place in our hearts where each of us should’ve belonged, was empty.

We were strangers bound by blood.

When she was finally able to stand on her two feet, I went to live with her. But by then it was too late. The damage had already set in and what was supposed to have been, was lost forever.

Two became three, then four, then five and six. The link fraying, as more and more people come in between our love until, it was frayed so much that it that it appeared broken.

I was no longer hers and she was no longer mine.

We drifted along together down the same stream, but in different directions.

The love that I never knew from her, if there had ever even really been love, had all but disappeared.

I was thrust out into the world, alone and afraid.

Unwanted.

30.05.18

sunflowerI’m sad.

Sad and lonely.

Sad, lonely and bored.

I struggle with seeing the good things in life and I’m bogged down with all the things that are bad and wrong.

The side in me that wants to quit, seems like it’s the winning side recently. My get up and go attitude has diminished so much. All I want to do is dive under my covers and disappear.

Disappear into a world where I mean something, where I’m important. Where life has a purpose and I have some sort of value.

I crave this world so much, that my heart yearns for it, more than it does the real world.

Every breath I breathe out here, is a breath that is stolen from the other world, stolen from the other me. The me that I want to be.

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to have to struggle and suffer any more . I just want to be at peace.

I want to lay down and have the sun smile down at me and tell me that everything is okay now, that I am worth something, that I am important.

That I’m special.

29.05.18

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I want nothing more than to have a life. A life that excites me and gets me out of bed in the morning. No matter if the sky is blue or grey I want to get up and feel like the oxygen that I breathe is worth it.

Even though my heart beats and blood pumps around my body I haven’t lived in such a long time. I died a long time ago.

I’ve stopped living and I can’t remember when I died. Everything I do is a distraction because I know my life is over.

Nothing that I do brings me real happiness. Every time I try it’s always one step forward two steps back.

I don’t want to make goals any more because no matter what I do they are always unreachable. Something comes a long to trip me up and I fall. I keep falling and falling and it’s so hard to get back up and keep going that I just lie there.

I used to be such a happy person. I have an amazing smile and my laugh can be heard for miles. I haven’t laughed properly in such a long time. Whenever I laugh now, it’s from one of my distractions. It’s not sincere because underneath my laugh lies so much pain.

The pain that has been built up and been bubbling for so long it’s become a comfort blanket for me. I wear it around my shoulders like a cloak. It’s fastened with a pin that is unbreakable.

I feel like an impostor in this life. I’ve come along and messed it all up. This life that had a perfect map, a perfect destination has been ruined, because I came and tampered with it.

All the goals and wishes that were made were broken by me. I ruin everything. I’m rot. I come along and cause death to everything that I touch. I shatter dreams, kill futures.

I killed myself and nothing that I do will ever revive me.

I’m destined to be forever broken.

18.05.18

Bloodshot red and burning, the tears peppered my eyes.

I rolled over onto my side to check my phone for the umpteenth time.

Still no missed call. No text, nothing. This time it seriously was over.

But why did I feel so broken?

I should be hanging upside down from a chandelier, celebrating my newfound freedom.

It’s not like he was even a catch really. He was the worst kind of human and I was way too good for him.

But he had something about him, that attracted me to him like a fly on shit and I was lost in everything that he was.

I could kick myself now, thinking back in how dumb I had been. How I had hung off every false word that rolled of his tongue.

I wanted to tear my heart out of my chest and stomp on it. I was angry, how could I still pine for someone who had treated me so rotten.

But the heart wants what the heart wants, and it had only been a day.

I would cry for now; allow the streaks of too long worn mascara to run down my cheeks and then build myself back up to a point, where I was strong enough not to go back to him.

14.05.18

Every time there’s an Up there’s a down. Every time I go left, life goes right.

I never walk on the same path, as where I want to go.

My destination is always further than my reach.

My lungs are raw from lack of oxygen, my eyes no longer see a beautiful horizon.

My insides are decaying and my mind is rotting.

My life ended years ago.

I feel like a hollow tube of flesh, no bones, no muscle, no life.

My very existence is scattered across the globe in mini particles.

I am nothing.

23.03.18

My mind wondered to depths that I couldn’t control.

Why was I so misunderstood?

I just wanted to be happy, but 100 million things were crashing around in my head.

I picked up my coffee cup and took another sip.

I hated coffee, hated the taste, hated the smell. Hated everything about it, but yet here I was drinking it. My daily ritual.

I was constantly doing things that didn’t bring me joy.

All I wanted was to dip my toes in turquoise oceans and have the sun beat down on me.

The monotony of grey was making me feel more and more claustrophobic.

I picked up a sachet of sugar and ripped the top off. I poured that small white grains into the coffee. A small dust cloud floated to the top, before the crystals dissolved into the hot black liquid.

I had started to drink it straight black. No milk.

On the odd occasion like today, I would treat myself to some sugar.

I sat back in my chair watching the steady flow of foot traffic, slowly stirring the sugar into my coffee.

28.02.18

Am I really here?

I’m falling in the vast black hole of nothingness. Falling deeper and deeper into this abyss.

Every time I try and stop myself, claw my way back to the top, I just keep falling.

I am an empty shell. Life is a blur. I’m nothing more than a customer standing outside of a store peering in.

I want to do something, be something but forces are stopping me. I am stopping me.

I have become an enemy worse than my enemy. I am my own antagonist. I am the catalyst that is affecting my world.

But how do I stop me? How can I overcome myself?

This question lingers, floating about in the wind of my soul.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to wake up.

09.02.18

The sweat rolled off Kike’s nose and dripped onto the floor.

She looked over at the mirror to check if she was doing it right. She always felt self conscious in class. Always thinking that her classmates were judging her.

Her anxiety was on fire tonight.

Her teacher Ian, gave the final move of the night before, bidding them all goodbye.

A chorus of ‘bye’s’ and ‘see you tomorrow’s’ rang out around her as people began to trickle out of the class.

Kike picked up her towel, wiping the sweat off her forehead and went to leave.

Ian reached out a hand, stopping her.

“You’ve been showing great improvement,” he smiled at her.

“Really, I thought I’ve been quite shit,” she replied. “Sorry I always swear when I’m nervous.”

“You’ve got nothing to be nervous about,” he beamed back at her. “Just keep up the good work, I see real potential in you.”

“Thanks,” she replied sheepishly.

“I’ll see you next class,” he said turning away from her.

Leaving the studio, Kike’s head was in cloud 9. Who would have thought that her of all people would have gotten good feedback.

She had been so nervous when she first started. Serious doubts about whether a dance career was really for her. Yes she enjoyed it, yes she had been championed by her teachers at school for it, but was she really good enough?

And now getting great feedback from Ian fucking Henshaw. One of the best teachers at the school. She felt like she had all the validation that she needed. If he could see potential in her, then maybe she was a real dancer.

Kike made a beeline for the changing room. Deciding to take a shower now, rather than waiting til she got home.

She retied her bun on top of her head and stripped off her dance clothes.

She stepped into the shower, allowing the water to sluice over her skin. She loved showers, the feel of the hot water against her skin, revitalised her.

She started to hum a Sade song. So lost in the utter bliss she didn’t hear the door of her shower open.

“You’re so beautiful, just like I imagined you to be.”

Standing there was Ian, stark naked and gawping at her.

Startled Kike hurried to cover herself, she looked for her towel but it was gone.

“What are you doing here,” she stuttered.

He ignored her and stepped into the shower. Kike began to back away, but the shower wall stopped her.

He reached out to touch her. His hand grazing her shoulder.

“You need to go,” she attempted to speak again.

He moved closer to her. His hand moving to her breast.

She wanted to scream, to tell him to fuck off. But the words were stuck in her throat.

He moved closer again. Pressing his body against hers. He began to run his hands down her back applying more pressure as he reached her waist.

Kike felt tears well up in her eyes.

She felt his leg move behind hers, locking her to his body.

She closed her eyes, willing her mind to escape.

She felt his lips on hers. She tasted the coffee and cigarette mixture in his mouth.

His kiss deepened.

She felt sick. Why was this happening? Had she given him the wrongs signs, given him the impression that she liked him like that.

She felt him enter her and felt herself die. Her body was no longer hers. He had murdered her. With every thrust, he killed her that little bit more.

After he was finished, he gave her a kiss on her forehead and cupped her face in his hands.

“See I told you, you were improving,” he smiled at her. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

He stepped out the shower, leaving her alone.

Kike felt her body crumple to the floor of the shower. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come; she was numb. Her emotions could not adjust to what had just happened.

She sat on the floor for what felt like hours. The water washing him away. But no matter how much water touched her, she couldn’t get him off her; she couldn’t get clean.

Stepping into her normal clothes, questions bumped around her head. But they remained unanswered.