14.12.18

I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean and that someone rescues me but then drops me back in and then rescues me and drops me back in again and again. Over and over.

Spluttering and gasping for air. Over and over again.

Wanting help but never finding it. Searching for a way to end the suffering that I never asked for.

This is my cry for help. This is me shouting at the top of my lungs, that I need help.

I have never felt more lost than I have now. Or maybe I have. Maybe I’ve felt worse than this before, but I shut it so deep down that I forgot and it’s not even a distant memory anymore.

I used to have days when I would wake up and happiness would spread all around me. Wrapping me up in a cocoon of love and joy. I felt safe. I felt worthwhile.

I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

My eyes are a constant red, bloodshot from hours and hours of crying. Constant bad thoughts drip dropping inside of my head.

I need help.

When will there be a day when I can truly be happy? When will there be a day when I’m not constantly battling with myself? Thoughts of me dying frequent me way too often then I would like.

I want to live I squeak. I want to experience great things. But the black smog stifles my words, it stops me from getting them out.

I need help.

I long for it to leave me, my constant unwanted companion. It sits on my chest, squeezing every essence of joy out of me.

It robbed me of my smile and every time I ask for it back, it laughs at me. At least it gets to laugh. Real laughter has not visited me for years. I’m so used to laughing fake laughs that they have become part of me.

I need help.

I want to shout it again. I want everyone to hear me. See that behind this mask that lies to everyone that I’m okay, that I’m alright; I’m really not. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long long time.

I need someone to guide me home. Help the me that is wondering around out there, lost and confused and just wanting to come back.

The me that once saw a destination further than the end of the rainbow.

That me, wants to come home. So please if anyone can hear me.

I need help.

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11.12.18

I pound away at the punching bag. The punches getting more ferocious.

Intense thoughts bounced around my skull.

I was so tired. In fact I was fucking tired of being fucking tired. Tired of crying frustrated tears again and again.

Victimising myself. I had turned myself into a victim.

I was tired of crying myself to sleep because life hadn’t gone the way I wanted it to. But who lived the life they wanted or expected?

My teeth were worn from contestant grinding and clenching. I was way past fucked up. I kept punching my way through life trying to remind myself that I was still here.

But was I though. Was I really here? Was life even real? Was this all just a social experiment for some rich bastard’s entertainment?

My eyes close on an existence that I hate. I’m angry. I’m hurting. I want it to stop. I want it to end. Why am so negative?

I want to stop, but it’s hard. So I come here and I pound this bag. Pound out all my frustrations until I’m weak, and all the negativity floods out. Making way for the next instalment.

08.12.18

Eyes heavy. Soul heavy. Body heavy. Joy gone.

Love lived here once upon a time, but it’s long since gone. Cobwebs dot the corners of a once happy home.

I clench and unclench my fist as I lay flat out on my bed. Spots of sunlight peak through holes in the curtain.

I want to get up but I can’t. I’m so weary. I’m weak. I feel heavy. Squashed.

I’m forgotten here. Here I forget.

A smile appears on my face and disappears soon after. My heart beats a steady pace.

I’m at peace. I could be happy. I’m ready to move on. But how can I move on? Life is a rollercoaster and mine is the coaster in the wild, the one that doesn’t stop even when the leaver is pulled. My coaster keeps on going until is crashes into the other coasters and makes a bloody mess.

I am a mess.

I need to get up. But I don’t want to.

I need to get up, but I can’t.

Get. Up.

27.11.18

My chest felt heavy and I was struggling to breathe. I leaned my left hand on the wall to steady myself.

My other hand tossed the laddered tights across the room. I wanted them far away from me.

My head pounded and my throat was dry. I thought to the last time I drank some water, but my mind was blank.

Why couldn’t I remember?

Bile began to bubble in my empty stomach. But I refused to throw up. I wasn’t gonna allow something else to take control of me.

Fatigue hit me like a hard slap across the face. My eyes felt so heavy. All I wanted to do was fall into a crumpled heap right there on the mottled grey carpet. But my body wouldn’t let me.

I wish I had stayed at home. I wish I could press reset on this whole day and start again from the beginning…

My arms stretched before I opened my eyes. I smiled, excited for another day on this earth. I wondered what amazingness was in front of me.

25.11.18

Frustrated tears and frustrated fears, shake the core of me. I am not the girl I used to be. Strangeness lives here now.

Mirrors don’t reflect a person that I recognise. How have I become a person that I once despised.

I want to claw at my face, dig deep until the real me is discovered.

I am a liar. A fraud. I shouldn’t be here. I should be thrown from way up high and destroyed.

I am a useless entity, existing only for the fun and games of another.

Why am I here?

I want to bash my head against the wall, until the memories of yesterday reappear and remind me of what the purpose of this quest really is.

Who am I?

I am a coward. A fool.

Why can’t I face my sins and start again?

Why can’t I be the person I was meant to be from the start?

03.11.18

I wake up with so much worry in my soul.

My brain is more active than my body. By the time I get up, it’s run marathons.

My mind wonders so far that sometimes it’s too hard to catch up and I often find myself walking around aimlessly; trying my hardest to find myself.

I’m forever questioning myself. Criticisms come easy to me.

Sometimes I wish I could shut myself down. Flick the reboot button and come back refreshed.

Dark rooms have become my constant companions.

Here I can hide from life. Hide from the things that threaten to make me feel blue.

I wish I could stay here forever, but hiding never helped anyone and problems don’t go easily away if you don’t confront them head on.

So I push myself back into the light.

And like a deer in front of headlights I stand there, as I am hit left right and centre.

31.10.18

black and white dead die diving

It felt like a rush of water moving over my head suffocating me. I was drowning. Drowning in the life that had somehow been written for me.

My unofficial biography.

A tale that no one wanted to read. An unsold book of failure.

I had allowed myself to be led down the garden path, led astray. Blinded by a reality that may or may not have even been a possibility.

I was left broken and bruised, I was no longer myself.

Who’s hand was this?

Whose Face?

I was a stranger, my soul trapped in a world unknown to me.

I was lost, clawing upwards trying to find a way out of the darkness.

My throat raw from silently screaming.

I wanted to go home. Where were my ruby slippers, my fairy godmothers?

I wanted to bash, bash, break. Fracture the silence. Fracture the darkness.

Let the pain that had built up slowly dissipate, until I was alone. Safe. Far away from the monster that had climbed into my bed from underneath.

Hello.

Can anyone hear me?

Bash, bash, break.

Please help me.

End this everlasting curse that has been placed upon me.

I’m scared.

I want to live again.

I need to breathe.

 

 

 

24.10.18

Here I was stuck again.

Stuck in a situation that was bringing me down. I was lost, tired, confused. I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

All I knew was that I wanted out.

I reflected back on the last couple of years. What had I accomplished? What had I done to make a change, to make a difference? A big fat nothing, a big fat steaming pile of nothing.

I was actually ridiculous! How dare I sit here feeling sorry for myself when I had no justification for being unhappy.

I had food, shelter, water. I had, friends, family, a partner. I even had a job and money. So what the hell was wrong with me? Why want I normal?

Why couldn’t I feel anything?

Emotions ran through me like water on a waterfall, but they never stayed. They came and went without a bye or see you later.

I was in a constant state of unhappiness.

Nothing ever seemed to bring me joy.

I had become that person that no one wanted to invite to the party.

The sucker of anything that was joy.

I didn’t want to be this anymore. I wanted to feel happy when someone told me that they were getting married, having a baby, getting promoted. I wanted to feel the tingles of glee just knowing that something good was happening to someone that I loved.

I wanted to kick away this dark cloud that was constantly hanging over me.

I wanted to smile more, laugh more, kiss and cuddle more.

I needed to be found.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.