03.11.18

I wake up with so much worry in my soul.

My brain is more active than my body. By the time I get up, it’s run marathons.

My mind wonders so far that sometimes it’s too hard to catch up and I often find myself walking around aimlessly; trying my hardest to find myself.

I’m forever questioning myself. Criticisms come easy to me.

Sometimes I wish I could shut myself down. Flick the reboot button and come back refreshed.

Dark rooms have become my constant companions.

Here I can hide from life. Hide from the things that threaten to make me feel blue.

I wish I could stay here forever, but hiding never helped anyone and problems don’t go easily away if you don’t confront them head on.

So I push myself back into the light.

And like a deer in front of headlights I stand there, as I am hit left right and centre.

Advertisements

31.10.18

black and white dead die diving

It felt like a rush of water moving over my head suffocating me. I was drowning. Drowning in the life that had somehow been written for me.

My unofficial biography.

A tale that no one wanted to read. An unsold book of failure.

I had allowed myself to be led down the garden path, led astray. Blinded by a reality that may or may not have even been a possibility.

I was left broken and bruised, I was no longer myself.

Who’s hand was this?

Whose Face?

I was a stranger, my soul trapped in a world unknown to me.

I was lost, clawing upwards trying to find a way out of the darkness.

My throat raw from silently screaming.

I wanted to go home. Where were my ruby slippers, my fairy godmothers?

I wanted to bash, bash, break. Fracture the silence. Fracture the darkness.

Let the pain that had built up slowly dissipate, until I was alone. Safe. Far away from the monster that had climbed into my bed from underneath.

Hello.

Can anyone hear me?

Bash, bash, break.

Please help me.

End this everlasting curse that has been placed upon me.

I’m scared.

I want to live again.

I need to breathe.

 

 

 

24.10.18

Here I was stuck again.

Stuck in a situation that was bringing me down. I was lost, tired, confused. I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

All I knew was that I wanted out.

I reflected back on the last couple of years. What had I accomplished? What had I done to make a change, to make a difference? A big fat nothing, a big fat steaming pile of nothing.

I was actually ridiculous! How dare I sit here feeling sorry for myself when I had no justification for being unhappy.

I had food, shelter, water. I had, friends, family, a partner. I even had a job and money. So what the hell was wrong with me? Why want I normal?

Why couldn’t I feel anything?

Emotions ran through me like water on a waterfall, but they never stayed. They came and went without a bye or see you later.

I was in a constant state of unhappiness.

Nothing ever seemed to bring me joy.

I had become that person that no one wanted to invite to the party.

The sucker of anything that was joy.

I didn’t want to be this anymore. I wanted to feel happy when someone told me that they were getting married, having a baby, getting promoted. I wanted to feel the tingles of glee just knowing that something good was happening to someone that I loved.

I wanted to kick away this dark cloud that was constantly hanging over me.

I wanted to smile more, laugh more, kiss and cuddle more.

I needed to be found.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

06.09.18

I’ve faded into the background.

I’ve disappeared. All my worst fears have happened and now I’m living my nightmare.

Nothing can make this pain stop. Nothing can make it go away.

It’s becoming so hard to breathe. My face can’t hold a smile.

Why is it so hard to live in this world? The pressure to be something is an unwanted weight on your shoulders.

It’s so easy to go unseen.

Sometimes I stand on tall buildings and I close my eyes and I think… I just think, I never act. I just think and I wonder. I ponder on the what if.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. This empty. This unfulfilled. This useless.

I’m numb all the time when there isn’t pain.

Rainbows and pots of gold feel more and more like fables.

There is no end to this maze of misery.

Tears are destined to fall continually down my face.

Happiness is not my destination.

12.08.18

I welcome the sweet release of death.

I welcome the end to my pain and the end to my unhappiness.

I will no longer have to wear a mask or live with a facade.

I welcome death.

I welcome the finally of it all. No longer feeling suffocated in a life that I didn’t ask for.

No longer feeling alone and not having a hand to reach out for.

Happiness won’t mean anything anymore. It won’t be the lifelong goal that drives me forward.

Feelings will no longer exist.

I welcome death.

08.08.18

The feeling of disgust battles through me on the odd occasion and no matter how many affirmations I throw at it, it just won’t leave.

It picks me apart bit by bit. You’re too fat. You’re ugly. You have too many spots. Your hair is shit.

Attack after attack, after attack. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up.

It’s a little demon that I just can’t get rid off, and when it leaves best believe it won’t be long before it returns ready to rip me to more shreds.

Digging its heels deeper and deeper into my back.

I pray for a day that I can pick it up and kick it away so hard that it shatters to pieces.

I’m trying to get strong, day by day I’m building up my armour until it becomes impenetrable.

Until those whispers of discontent are nothing more than faint, inaudible bleeps in the wind.

07.08.18

As I lay here on this broken shitty bed, I started to contemplate my life. Where it was going and what I was doing.

Nothing and nowhere.

I was mad, angry and tired, all three at the same time.

Why was life like this, what had I done?

My head and heart felt busted and bruised.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life, it was supposed to be better, I deserved better.

Sparks of red and black, were all I could see, my vision was no longer clear.

If I wasn’t crying, I was punching walls.

I felt like I was being set up, that someone was playing a cruel trick on me and that this life belonged to a mean nasty person. Not me.

You’ve got the wrong person I felt like screaming.

But was I the wrong person? Was I actually the bad person who actually deserved this life?

It was way too puzzling to answer.

23.07.18

I don’t feel good.

I feel sad and ashamed and lost. There’s no longer a destination for me. I’ve lost all direction.

I have no motivation. And when you don’t have motivation, what gets you up? What drives you?

Some days I feel sad. Some days I feel nothing. Some days I’m just there, floating around in a ball of distractions.

I watch TV, I read a book, play a game, speak to friends. On the rare occasion I might go for a walk. But none of those things give me satisfaction, because at the end of the day, I know I will just continue drifting off into a void of incompleteness.

The power of loneliness and unfulfillment has gripped ahold of my heart and my soul and has no plans of letting go any time soon.

I want to stop crying, hating on others joy. I don’t want to be the cynic sitting alone in the corner.

I want to live life to the fullest, experience things. I don’t want to give up on me. I don’t want to stop the growth of the person that I’m meant to be. But how do I become that person?

I once had potential. I get told that all the time. Now I sit in dark rooms, with only me for company.

I am not a friend to myself, so how can I be friends with others? Relationships that once were so strong and solid, have drifted away. I don’t want my negativity to spread to them. And without the negativity what else is there to talk about?

I don’t do anything, I haven’t experienced anything new. All I have for them is feelings of doom and gloom. I don’t want them to experience my load, so I keep it trapped it the back of my head and every now and then I offload it onto myself.

I have bruises and scars, on once perfect skin. They hide in places that others can’t see, but I know that they are there. Sometimes they feel as if they are the only ones who really know me, know the real me. Sometimes they feel as if they are my only companions. I don’t give them names though. That would be a step too far.

I just want to feel happy. Have a sense of worth. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I want to feel good.