18.10.18

My bed stared longingly at me and I stared longingly back.

It had been an all too long day and I wanted nothing more than to fall into it. Wrap myself up in its warm confines and fall into a deep and well deserved sleep.

But I couldn’t. There was so much to do. So much to prepare for.

My best friend was getting married in a matter of hours and there was still a million and one things we needed to get sorted.

Trust her to be all last minute. She had always been like this, it was her calling card.

I sat on my chair on the opposite side of my bedroom, weaving flowers in what felt like the millionth centre piece.

Candice had wanted to do everything on budget and of course muggins here had been roped into do 90% of all of the tasks.

My eyes had begun to glaze over and I felt myself droop forward.

A sharp jab from a pin, woke me up.

Right that was it. I was done. Nothing was going to come between me and my sleep. Not even a best friend of 20 years, who I was sure was now fast asleep.

I took a running jump and landed on top of my duvet.

No time to change into PJ’s sleep required me now.

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17.10.18

Tiny flakes of toasted bread that hadn’t quite made it to the promised land that was my stomach, decorated my chest.

For the third time this week I had, had to settle with toast for dinner.

It wasn’t by choice. Finances were incredibly tight this month and I had to sacrifice luxury and taste, for just getting by.

I dusted the toast crumbs off my chest and gulped back my glass of tap water.

It wasn’t going to be like this forever. I mean there had to be a reason for all this badness happening to me.

I stared at the wall for a while. Tears dancing behind my eyes, but I wouldn’t allow them to fall.

I had been down before and had always managed to get back up. This was just one of those times.

I said a silent prayer in my head and got up.

Things were going to get better. I mean that had to. There was no way I was leaving my chapter to end this way. No way sir, not on your nelly.

A smile crept across my face. As I allowed positive thoughts to manifest within me.

16.10.18

I felt the soft pitter patters of raindrops, as they fell from the heavens.

A smile began to form across my face.

He had done it. He had actually done it.

A chorus of doors opening up began to form from all around me.

People in their dozens flooded out of their homes to witness the strange phenomena.

As like the droplets of rain, tears began to fall down my cheeks.

I had never been so happy.

I looked up at the sky and mouthed a thank you.

This was all because of him.

His sacrifice.

He gave himself in order for this to happen. To end the drought that had been killing us.

I was so proud of him. His name would live on for an eternity.

I threw back my head and opened my mouth allowing the droplets to fall inside.

15.10.18

My arms fought off the fire that was burning from deep within.

This had been a stupid mistake.

Why was I so cheap? All for the cost of just less than £30, I could’ve done this in one go. But no I had to do that whole cut my nose of to spite my face song and dance and here I was struggling.

I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself. I didn’t know why I did things like this.

My great grandma said I had the stubborn gene in me. Just like my dad.

But I was nothing like him. Nothing at all.

I wiped the sweat away that was forming on my forehead, with the hand attached to the arm carrying the lightest bag.

I was nearly there. Nearly at my destination and I could drop all these bags and relax.

It may have seemed silly to others. But it was a triumphant achievement to me.

14.10.18

The intensity was building up.

I was a pressure cooker without the steam being let out.

I wanted to be anywhere but here but I had made the choice to do this.

I was surrounded by too much noise. I couldn’t silence the chatter inside of my head.

This was too much. But I didn’t want it to be. How had I let it all build up?

Why was it building up so fast.

I knew it would be intense, but I didn’t know it would be this intense.

The pressure was knocking hard against my temples. I just needed to release. I wanted to scream to kick my legs about.

Break free of the shackles that bound me to this place.

The roar inside of me could not be contained.

I needed to release.

I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

The bursts of oxygen whirled around my brain. Massaging the knots that had built up in my shoulders. Caressing my cheeks and letting me know that all would be fine.

I was stronger than this. I would not let it win.

I opened my eyes. I would find a way to overcome this.

13.10.18

A wave of nausea hit me.

I felt my knees shake and they threatened to give way.

I wanted to cry but I wouldn’t allow myself to give you that satisfaction.

My chest was heavy. My heart was breaking.

How could you?

Actually I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t think that my heart could take it.

I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction that you had got to me. That you had broken me.

You were not going to have that power over me.

Not today. Not ever.

So I was gonna suck up my unfallen tears. Refresh my makeup. And I was going to take the high road and be the bigger person.

You would never hold anything over me again.

11.10.18

A drop of blood splattered down onto the white porcelain sink.

Another drop shortly followed and then another and another, until the sink was painted with tiny splatters of blood.

Damon lifted his head back, squeezing his nostrils.

He deserved it he thought to himself. He had to have seen it coming. He couldn’t have caused so much pain, so much anguish and not thought that something like this would’ve happened. He wasn’t a fool.

Picking up the roll of nearby toilet paper, he teared a few strips off and held it to his nose.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. His own mother would not have recognised him.

The door swung open and he caught his breath. Only releasing it when he saw that it wasn’t him. Damon was not ready for round two, well at least not now.

His shirt was ruined. Crimson spots now decorated his once crisp white shirt.

This was his fault. He had to stop doing things like this.

But deep down he knew he wouldn’t. Life was for living and what was the point if you didn’t take risks every now and then.

He chuckled to himself as he walked towards the door.

“Game face,” he said silently as he pushed the door open.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

09.10.18

I felt like shit.

I felt like an anvil had just been dropped on my head.

I had literally gone from 100 to zero in a matter of minutes.

My body just was not cooperating.

My bed seemed way more enticing than ever before.

The warm duvet and soft pillows were calling my name, willing me to get inside and become lost in their world of snugness.

But I couldn’t. Life didn’t stop just because of one sniffle, one cough and one watery eye.

Oh no no no. A headache and neck-ache didn’t stop the word from turning.

I just had to suck it up and get going.

Sighing with disappointment I turned away from my temptress and attempted to leave my room.

My legs had betrayed me, in the short time it had taken me to decide to go to work, they had decided they would no longer work and I was stuck to the spot. It’s as if I had forgotten how to walk.

I slipped my phone out of my pocket and called my manager.

After the many sorries and feeling of letting everyone down. I ended the call and dragged myself over to my bed.

As I got in I thought I heard the faint cheers of celebration, from my bedding.

But by that point I was so delirious that I wasn’t sure if it was reality or whether it was all in my head.