31.12.18

The December winds swept into January. It was a brand New Year and with a New Year came a chance to start a fresh.

The person who you were before, the person that made mistakes, who you weren’t 100 percent happy with, that didn’t mean anything. You had the chance to reinvent and that is exactly what I was going to do.

I was washing away the me that was too scared to do anything. The me that didn’t really live, scared to exist. That me was being washed away. I was ready to reenter and bring the me that deserved to flourish, into the world.

It was such a freeing experience and as the clock ticked past twelve I felt almost brand new.

I was leaving the old me behind and I was ready to see what this New Year had in store.

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30.12.18

My heart had experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this year. For the most I felt that I was playing a losing game. Nothing seemed to be happening for me.

I had never felt more alone. Or if I had this just felt worse at the moment. I just felt like I couldn’t catch a break. That I was cursed. That up meant down and down meant up. That left meant right and right meant left. You catch my drift.

Life was constantly throwing me lemons without a good recipe for lemonade.

But crazily enough there were actually a few good things that happened.

I witnessed my best friend get married. My brother’s girlfriend had a baby so I became an aunt for the first time. I rescued a baby bird and nursed it back to health.

Though life seemed pretty shitty, there were a few flickers of diamonds. There to remind me that there was a reasoning behind all of this. And that the bad would hit lost forever. Even though I felt like it would.

I was more than ready to seek out what the new year had in store for me. And I was prepared for all of the ups and downs and right and left corners.

29.12.18

All my things were packed up into bags and boxes.

I thought I would feel weird. This place had been home for me for nearly 10 years. Well I used the term home loosely. This place had been far from a home.

A home was supposed to radiate warmth. You were supposed to feel safe at home. I was always on edge here. Trapped. I never felt free. Never in control of my own actions.

Today those feeling were coming to an end. I was getting out of here.

It hasn’t all been bad. Hidden down deep there were a few good memories. Nothing that I could recall at this present time, but they existed.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if it was released frustration or sadness.

I picked up my first box and made my way to the waiting car.

It was over. I was getting my fresh start. I was finally getting my shot at happiness.

After the final box was moved. I closed the door and got into the car. As I did up my seatbelt I refused to look back. I had already said my goodbyes long ago.

28.12.18

There was nothing better than someone doing something special for you.

You get this warm gushy feeling that pools in your stomach and spreads all around you.

You get that flushed feeling and your cheeks are warm to the touch. Your heart feels like it’s wrapped up in bubbles.

That’s exactly how I felt when I opened the locker and found three mini cheesecakes wrapped up in foil.

Lemon to be precise. My favourite.

He had pressed the key into my hand and with a smile proceeded to tell me that he had left a surprise for me.

Locker 13.

An unlucky and unfavored number to many.

But to me it was the start of something new. A blossoming beginning.

I bit into the cheesecake, the hunts of lemon waking up all of my tastebuds.

A smile washed over me.

I think I was falling in love.

27.12.18

Winter had settled in and it was making a right song and dance of not going anywhere. It was cold.

Winter jackets were a must. As were gloves and warm insulated shoes. There was no time for frost bitten finger and toes. Work had to be done.

A familiar but unwelcome scratchy feeling began to plague my throat. It had begun. I had fallen prey of the common cold.

For now I could stand up and could function normally, but I could already feel my body functions begin to shut down. Begging me to hurry up and get home so they could turn off all together.

I could not afford to be ill. Sick pay was a myth at work, but then again they wouldn’t allow me to work. Contamination was a big thing. It was a catch 22. I wouldn’t get paid.

I stopped off at Boots and filled my basket to the brim. Night nurse, vitamin C and echinacea tablets, Beechams, cough drops, I had the lot. I would not let this cold win the battle, no way.

I would be a survivor, I would allow this cold to hold me for 24 hours only and not a minute more.

I climbed the stairs laden with all of my goods and a hot water bottle in tow and jumped into bed.

The 24 hour get better and back to work so you can get money to pay the bills had begun.

25.12.18

My eyes felt heavy as the day began to draw to a close.

I felt full and happy. Stuffed on turkey and all the trimmings. What a day. Surrounded by family and food. What other way was there to spend Christmas?

My feet were more than doggone tired but I would survive.

For one day of the year I could forget about all the woes that were constantly running about my head and just be happy.

Happy, a word that I would never thought I would ever use to describe myself. But here I was basking in all its glory.

The corner of my eye spied the chocolate log that I hadn’t yet eaten; to give into temptation or not to give into temptation? Now that was the question.

It took me all of one second to make my decision.

21.12.18

Sleep. A concept made for people who like to give their body the nourishment and the respect it deserves.

I was not one of those people.

My current state was more than tired, if that was even possible.

I had run myself ragged. Going from a 10 hour shift to studying.

Who said that education was rewarding. At this time I wanted to slap them across the face and yell that it was far from rewarding.

All I wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position and sleep sleep sleep. Unfortunately, I was stood at a bus stop in the middle of a harsh winter and the bus was no where close to getting here.

The bags under my eyes were fuller than the pockets that held my money. I was both cash and sleep poor. Funny how those two things went hand in hand.

Come on bus I muttered under my breathe, do me this one solid and I will never ask for anything again.

I shuffled on my feet, to stop the coldness from freezing my toes.

Please come soon.

And like a Christmas miracle the bus came speeding towards the bus stop. My chariot ride to my bed.

20.12.18

Who would have thought that something that comes so natural to many, held the power of changing your mood. Turning it a whole 180.

Something that you didn’t have to pay for, but you could do if you wanted a professional.

The body was such a powerful tool.

That’s what was running through my head as I stared at the chip of paint that was hanging on for dear life to the ceiling.

Why wouldn’t it just fall?

I looked back at Lucy, she had a kind face. The type of face that held reassuring powers. I guess that’s why she had become a therapist.

My finger continued to play with a piece of thread that had come lose on the bottom of my sweater.

The weight that continued to press down hard on my neck, was easing up. Verbal diarrhoea was spewing out of my mouth as I confessed my inner most secrets, spoke on things that I would never tell anyone that I knew. I spoke about the darkness that I never seemed to be able to shake. This was a no holds barred situation.

When my mouth finally came to a rest. I felt lighter. Free.

It truly was good to talk.

I had made the first step, working on getting better. I didn’t want this darkness to stop me from living life. I wouldn’t allow it to win. I wasn’t going to allow it to fully consume me. I would soon hold all the power and it would cease to exist.

I was looking forward to being in control of myself.

A smile slowly crept over my face and I continued to speak.

18.12.18

You came into my life when it was so stagnant.

You were the spark that lit the fireworks inside of me.

Woke me up from the coma I had fallen into. You brought me back to life.

Now that you’re gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I stare blankly at walls hide myself from the outside world.

Sometimes I hear bird songs and it makes me cry, not with sadness but with joy.

I think back to the times we used to run through the rain, throwing our heads back as we allowed the droplets to fall down on our faces.

I miss you, but I was glad to have known you, glad to have experienced a life with you.

It will never be a goodbye from me. I will never let you die, you will live on forever through me.

17.12.18

My heart was a flutter. My mouth dry. I could smell him from all the way over here in my corner. His scent was so intoxicating, it had sandalwood tones. My absolute fave.

Would he look my way? All he needed to do was turn 47 degrees to his left and he would be face to face with his future wife. The love of his life. All he needed to do, was turn around. Just turn around. It was so easy. I was all the way over here in my little corner and he didn’t even know it.

It was a shame really, a mighty mighty shame. 

Just a simple turn and both of our dreams would come true. But it’s like something inside of him was compelling him not to, it’s like he wanted to enjoy a sad and boring life without me in it. But it was cool, I would wait. I would wait until the end of time.

The lift came to a stop and the doors sprang open,  he stepped outside and within seconds he was gone, out of my life. The doors closed and continued upwards. His scent still lingered, a faint shadow of him. 

Oh well, there was always tomorrow I smiled to myself.