20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

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20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

19.11.18

Tired wasn’t even the word that I could use to describe what I was feeling right now.

It was something way more than tiredness.

If I didn’t get to a seat soon I would keel over.

I was overworked and under slept. I had to start taking care of myself. It wasn’t going to do me any good to keep pushing myself like this.

I looked sheepishly over to the chairs that were occupied. If one person would look at me and see me, they would see that I was half gone.

But of course no one did, and if anyone did they weren’t looking to give anything up. Seats were like gold and no one was willing to give up gold.

I continued to stand silently wishing bad fortune on all the badmind people that had allowed me to struggle on.

Bastards the lot of them. Karma was a bitch and I hoped it came down hard on them with a vengeance.

17.11.18

He brushed the stray lock of hair that had escaped by hair band, off my face and stared at me.

A smiled began to spread across my face and I stiffened a giggle.

Why did he have to be so serious all the time?

I stared back at him with the same ferocity. I would beat him at his own game.

We lay there eyes fixated on the other. Not one of us wanting to be the first to give in. Each of us wanting to be a winner of a nonexistent prize.

My eyelids began to get heavy and with much hesitation they dropped.

“I beat you again,” he murmured triumphantly, sleep heavy in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” he laughed sleepily.

“I’m not,” I replied arms folded across my chest.

He pulled me by my waist until I was close to him. My body bent into his own. So close that I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

He ran a wave of kisses down my neck and pulled me closer to him.

I let out a sigh and I was lost.

14.11.16

The brush moved back and forth over the oil stain. But no matter the ferocity used it would not fade.

I wiped away the beads of sweat that had began to form on my forehead.

This was bullshit.

This was complete and utter bullshit.

I should be upstairs with everyone else. Not down here doing this.

I was annoyed. I had spent the whole week preparing for the forty-nine guests, who had stepped foot over the threshold tonight. He only did odd numbers. Even numbers made him feel uneasy. Odd numbers made him feel powerful.

I had planned every single intricate detail, like my life depended on it. Putting my blood, sweat and tears into it all and how did he reward me? By punishing me. Forcing me to stay down here whilst drips of laughter spilled through the floor boards.

Bastard.

I hated him. But yet I loved him all the same. Emotions became tangled in this game. Feelings had no end and no beginning.

I heard footsteps descend down the stairs. They paused at the door. A part of me wanted to scream, to bang on the door and beg to be let out.

But I knew now. I knew that no matter how hard I banged no matter how loudly I shouted. No one would get me.

Another set of footsteps followed the previous and hushed but excited voices flowed through the cracks in the door.

I placed my ears on the door to listen.

The lust from the man’s voice was deep and raw, as was his partners. Talking, turned to kisses and images of their hot and steamy embrace flittered through my mind. A rush of warmth ran through my body and I sprang from the door as if it had burnt me.

I scuttled back over to the oil stain and continued to brush away at it with sad strokes.

13.11.18

He grabbed ahold of my hand and marched me forward.

He didn’t say a word to me the whole way there. The only sound came from our footsteps as we trudged along the path.

When we finally got there, he dropped my hand and looked at me.

His eyes bore into me like he was searching for something, but couldn’t quite find it.

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, day; just lost in each other. Our eyes were doing the talking.

I saw pain inside of him, I wanted to tear him open and relieve him of it. I wanted to push the pain away. Make it stop.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Never removing his eyes from me.

His lips covered mine and then they were moving together. He tasted of mint and coffee, with faint hint of tobacco.

I wanted this kiss to go on forever, but as quickly as it started it was over.

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and we retraced our steps, back to the beginning.

As soon as we got back to the start he dropped my hand and walked off.

We became strangers. People who walked past each other in corridors.

He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.

But our eyes and lips told a different story.

11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.

03.11.18

I wake up with so much worry in my soul.

My brain is more active than my body. By the time I get up, it’s run marathons.

My mind wonders so far that sometimes it’s too hard to catch up and I often find myself walking around aimlessly; trying my hardest to find myself.

I’m forever questioning myself. Criticisms come easy to me.

Sometimes I wish I could shut myself down. Flick the reboot button and come back refreshed.

Dark rooms have become my constant companions.

Here I can hide from life. Hide from the things that threaten to make me feel blue.

I wish I could stay here forever, but hiding never helped anyone and problems don’t go easily away if you don’t confront them head on.

So I push myself back into the light.

And like a deer in front of headlights I stand there, as I am hit left right and centre.

25.07.18

greyMy foot stepped down from the curb, way before I could register that it was happening.

I had been so haphazard of late. I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

I needed a big cup of reality poured down my throat and the real me to step up and collect me from the mess that I had allowed myself to fall into.

I quickly pulled my foot back up and pushed my body backwards, missing the car that was hurtling towards me. I was so lucky, if I hadn’t acted quick enough, I would’ve been a goner.

Arms caught me as I fell backwards.

I felt the heat flush through my cheeks and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the face of my rescuer. I was embarrassed and if he or she turned out to be the love of my life then, I would be more than devastated.

I kept my eyes closed longer than I should’ve and felt the embarrassment deepen.

After a quick debate I decided to open them and I felt a massive weight of disappointment when it turned out my rescuer would not be the love of my life, or most importantly the love of my life at first sight.

I said a few words of thank you and laughed it off and then continued on my way.

Man, why wasn’t life like it was in the movies. By now I should’ve been making plans on where our second date would be not walking deeper into the grey sludgy distance.

Sigh, it just wasn’t fair.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.