09.08.18

His fists tightened as he moved towards her.

He didn’t want to do this. He never did.

Life was hard. All he wanted to do was sit down relax and take a breather. But she wouldn’t let him would she? She was always on at him. Nag, nag fucking nag.

Constantly pushing his buttons. It’s like she did it on purpose. Pushing him to the edge until he exploded.

She didn’t understand him. Didn’t understand the pressure that he was under. Why couldn’t she just be understanding? Why couldn’t she see that he was hurting?

She cowered near the wall. Tears streaming down her face. She was shaking.

He hated doing this, he didn’t want to. It wasn’t him. It was all her. She made him see red. If she didn’t go on at him so much, then he wouldn’t. He would stop. He wouldn’t have too.

His knuckles stung. The skin at the corner of his hand had ripped as it made contact with bone.

His breathing calmed and he sat down.

“You know I love you,” he spoke again, his tone softer now.

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02.08.18

I stare into your eyes and I see a lifetime, flash inside of them.

I see us meeting for the first time. I was acting silly because you had just told me that you liked me and that you had built up the courage to come and talk to me, after being intrigued by me for more than half a year. I was acting coy, pretending that I wasn’t interested in you; but really deep down I was smitten.

I continued to push you away, until I pushed too hard and you fell straight into the arms of one of my friends.

I pretended to be happy for you when you finally asked her out and then started dating.

I continued to pretend when you became exclusive and pledged your love for her.

I thought I was over you when you asked get to marry you and then had your first child together.

When the second one came, the feelings that I once had all but disappeared.

But now as I stand here, a bridesmaid in your wedding and those feelings that once were so strong have resurfaced.

As our eyes meet and your lips move, as the words of your vows fall from your lips, I see the feelings that you once had for me never left too.

As we I stare into each other’s eyes we see a life that never was.

30.07.18

Hush.

Stop your shoulders from rocking. Wipe your tears away.

The shit that falls out of your mouth is just that shit.

I can’t believe I lasted so long in this, like it was a win a car competition.

Fuck your sorry and fuck you.

I won’t fall for it, not this time.

I’m not leaving you, you’re leaving me. Leaving my life and vacating this lie.

I won’t be the guilty one.

I won’t be the one that looks bad.

I won’t be the one that didn’t try and make it work. That didn’t try hard enough.

No you won’t make me the villain. Not this time.

29.07.18

A wolf in sheep’s clothing is sleeping next to me.

In the daylight he whispers sweet nothings in my ears, but by night he turns into a different person.

Gone is the man that stole my heart and in his place is the man that stole my life.

Bound to him by a metal circle, I am his prisoner.

The love that used to radiate from me, has now turned cold. Instead the dark smell of hatred sits in its place.

I hate how much I hate him. I want nothing to be free of him.

Some nights I dream of killing him in his sleep. I imagine placing my hands around his neck and squeezing until I hear a pop. I think of his eyes never opening again and never again having to hear his voice. His whiny nasally voice that is nails on a chalkboard to me. The feeling of relief knowing that I will finally be free.

But I never act upon my urges. I lay there until sleep takes me away, listening to the rise and fall of his breath. Tears staining my pillow, knowing that I will be locked away with him forever, knowing there will never be an escape for me.

22.07.18

Ripples of disgust rippled through my body.

Any love that I once had for you, was now nothing but a distant chapter written in the dusty old book that once was our love story.

Where love once lived, now bloomed hatred.

You were so different now. You weren’t the man I fell in love with. Far from the person that once brought light into me.

How dare you stand in front of me. How dare you look me in the eyes. You had no right. No right at all.

We were no longer a we, no longer a unit.

I wanted nothing more than to slap you hard across your face. But I stood there staring you down, imagining that I was swishing you down into a small cube.

You meant nothing to me.

I wasn’t going to allow you to get a rise from me.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

11.07.18

deflated balloonA balloon, once filled with so much hope and a yearning to reach new heights; now flat, tangled up in branches and lost and forgotten about.

You once were the only thing on my mind. You got me up in the morning. The yearning to see your face and be in your presence, helped give me that extra kick I needed to start my day.

Rank tasting coffee, packed tube carriages and unwanted greetings of stale body odourĀ  were all worth it just knowing that I was going to see you.

That smile. Your teeth all sparkly white and straight on the surface, yet hiding a secret tooth on the left side of your mouth that wasn’t so perfect, but perfect to me.

Your brown eyes, deep pools that ran tingles of desire through me whenever you looked my way.

Your face, perfection in every single sense. A distraction to the dull and bleak world that encapsulated me. You were a dream, that leapt out of my head and became a reality.

I could listen to you speak for hours, months, days, for all eternity.

I should have known that you were to good to be true.

No one can ever be that perfect. It wasn’t possible.

We had a future together and then you went and ruined it.

I had spent months creating a non physical mood board in my head of what our future would be like. How you would finally ask me out. How you would take me to the zoo for our first date and we would bond over our mutual love of monkeys. Our magical engagement story. The gown I would wear on our wedding day, the tears that you would cry when you saw me for the first time. The births of all three of our children. Two girls and a boy. The first house we would live in, the house you would build for me.

Poof. All gone just like that. A happy and amazing life all ruined by you.

How could you do this to me?

You led me on. Teasing me with that damn smile. The swagger of your walk as you strode across the office. The smell of your cologne as you passed by me in the kitchen, to go and make your morning coffee. Black with two sugars and an extra spoon that you put in, when you didn’t think that any one was watching.

I had loved you for so long that I couldn’t remember a time before you. It never occurred to me that you could ever be so cruel.

How could you bring her here? To our space, this wasn’t her office she didn’t work here. How could you betray me in such a way.

So here I sit, watching as you parade her around the office. Watching that finger, that is sinking under the weight of the massive sparkler that encases it.

It should’ve been me.

30.06.18

His lips continued to move, as words that I didn’t want to hear poured out of them.

He was tired.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

He didn’t think we should be together anymore.

But what about me I wanted to scream?

Why did he get to feel hard done by?

Why did he get to be the victim?

I blinked back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

I wouldn’t let him see me cry.

I would be the unfeeling bitch that he was making me out to be.

The one that never put him first, never considered his feelings.

But, how many times had he left me sitting at home, waiting and wondering?

Nope, I wasn’t gonna do this. I wasn’t going to show him any weakness.

He continued on. His eyes searching deep within me. Trying to knock down my barriers, trying to find the part of me that would break.

But I wouldn’t give in.

I wouldn’t let him overpower me.

After his lips had finished moving, I got up. My bag felt heavier in my hand, than it had when I sat down.

His hands dropped to his sides and he looked down.

Without a word I turned on my heel.

I didn’t look back.

I kept walking until I reached my car.

I felt nothing, all through the drive home. Just numbness.

I turned the radio on to drain out the silence and listened to some new debate about the trials and tribulations of brexit.

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I hit traffic.

I made it all the way to my front door, through the hallway and up the stairs, before my legs gave away and I fell to the ground.

My whole body shook, as I cried tears that I hadn’t cried since my early 20s.

Why had he done this to me?

I was broken.

I climbed into my bed, switched my phone onto DND and proceeded on my journey from destruction to recovery.

13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.