Her eyes locked onto mine.

The heat rose around us, her gaze intensified.

Her head inched closer to me, I felt mine edge close to hers.

We were inches apart.

I looked away, confused.

I wasn’t…

I swallowed hard.

I mean was I?

I couldn’t deny there was something between us. She made me feel something that no one else had before. But I wasn’t like that. I didn’t like girls. I didn’t… I liked men.

I looked back at her, her eyes were now looking towards the floor.

She looked hurt. Defeated. The pain radiated off her.

My hand angled towards her. I wanted to take it in mine. I wanted to soothe her. Stop her from hurting.

But my hand stayed where it was.

We sat in silence for the longest time.

None of us wanting to discuss, what had just happened between us. Hoping that the more time past, the more distant it would become.

She spoke first. Her eyes remained locked on the floor.

I closed my eyes as she spoke.

My hand reached out to her.

I felt her take mine.



David looked at her, all the angry thoughts that had manifested in him earlier had started to dissipate.

How did she do that? How did she have the power to make him go from 100 to zero in a matter of seconds?

Rolling up his sleeves, he joined her inside the kitchen.

She passed him the broccoli and he began to chop it. Slow and steady strokes with the knife, putting his surgery training into practice.

Who would have ever have thought that he, David Mitchell, would have ever been in the kitchen, chopping broccoli at that? He really had changed.

Taking the broccoli from the board, she dumped another assortment of vegetables on the board and smiled at him.

He weakened, her smile was his kryptonite. It was the thing that had drawn him to her, when she had stepped onto his ward all those weeks ago.

He wanted nothing more than to kiss her. To have her in his arms. But this was not the time. She had told him she wanted to take it slow and he respected that.

Dinner was amazing, they talked about everything, from embarrassing childhood crushes to hopes for the future. He really hoped that she could see him somewhere in hers.

By the time the night was over, he saw life in a whole new perspective.

He slipped his arms into his overcoat and walked to the door to leave, before he knew it her lips were on his.

A spark of electricity ran through him. This was it, he was lost in her. There was no going back from here.

He stepped back, breaking himself from the spell.

There was no rush. There would be more nights like this.


The wind howled and whipped hard against the house.

Tom wrapped his arms around me drawing me closer to him.

The fire crackled in the fireplace, giving off a strong golden glow.

No one had ever made me feel as safe as he did.

He took my hand and laced his fingers into mine, stroking the back of my hand.

I lay my head on his chest. I could hear the weak pat of his heartbeat, I stifled back my tears.

I had promised him I wouldn’t cry. Not for now.

His breath became laboured and grew weaker. He tightened the grip on my hand.

I wanted to look up at his face, I wanted to tell him that I was here with him. That everything would be okay. But we both knew that was a lie. It was never going to be the same again.

There were so many chapters in our story, that we would never be able to explore.

The time that we thought had been promised to us had come to an end, it had been stolen from us.

He was leaving me and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

His only wish that he could lie here in this moment. The fire burning and me in his arms.

He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. My name floated from lips and then he was gone.

I lay in his arms long after his last breath, his fingers still entwined in my own.


I touched her cheek wiping away the recently fallen tear.

It hurt me to see her in pain and hurt me more that I was the cause.

She stared at me, her eyes seeking a reason. A single response, anything to make the pain stop.

I looked away.

The silence was more than burning.

Words that I wanted to speak disappeared on my tongue.

I had to leave, I couldn’t be in the same space with her any longer.

I went to get up, she pulled at my arm.

An unspoken urgency in her touch.

Before I knew it her mouth was on mine and mine on hers.

We explored each other hungrily.

Seeking validation in each other.

With every touch we became more in sync. Lost in our own world.

I wanted nothing more than to make her happy, be the person that she deserved to have in her life.

But I couldn’t.

It was complicated.

It was more than complicated.

We were not meant to be. We were everything that was wrong.

But in this moment, everything felt right.

I got up and kissed her on the forehead.

Tears had already began to spring at the corners of her eyes.

I had picked at the wound and had made it worse.

I turned my back on her for what felt like the thousandth time kept walking.


The balloons soared high up into the sky.

Twisting and turning as they carried out there ascent upwards.

I watched them until they became small dots and then they were gone.

I stood there long afterwards, not wanting to move. Not wanting to leave this spot.

The crowd that had been here to watch the release of the balloons had begun to thin out, until it was just me.

I wrapped my arms around my shoulders, trying to warm myself from the slight chill that the evening had brought with it.

Memories that I had tried to push away, danced within the corners of my mind. Salty tears ran down my cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them away.

I couldn’t do this without him.

I felt my shoulders slump. My legs started to buckle, giving away from underneath me and I crashed to the ground.

I lay there in the grass, wishing that the world would swallow me up. Wanting nothing more than to be with him.

I was all alone now, no longer two of us conquering together.

I lay there a little while longer, staring up at the sky, watching the stars.

I wondered if one of those stars was him. I reached my arm out to touch them, but they were so far away.

Sitting up I placed my head on my knees and wrapped my arms around myself.

I willed my life away, but my heart continued beating.

We had pledged forever, but forever we would never see together.

I was broken and the only person who could fix me was gone.

I got up from the ground and walked inside the house.

Arms reached out for me, embracing me. Words spoken offering me support.

I felt love being poured back into me.

I could do this, I would carry on without him. It’s what he would’ve wanted me to do. But it would be so hard.


I hurry down the stairs. The hem of my dress sweeping the steps as I descend. I will definitely be reprimanded for this later.

As usual I am late, but this time I have a good excuse. So I’m not as scared as I usually am.

I continue down the stars, hitting the final step and bump hard into Lord Julian.

We both crash onto the floor.

A thousand sorries rush from my mouth.

“Steady as you go,” he says to me as he gets up, a glint in his eye.

“I’m sorry M’Lord,” I stutter again refraining eye contact. Mother always told me that you should never look a lord in the eye. That it wasn’t proper.

He holds his hand out to me. I freeze. What was happening? Why was he holding his hand out to me? This was not right.

“Take my hand My Lady,” he speaks softly.

“I cannot M’Lord,” I sputter back. “It is not proper.”

“You have fallen. It would not be proper of me, if I allowed a lady to remain fallen on the floor.”

“I am not a lady,” I say, my eyes sinking further into the floor.

“You look like a lady from where I’m standing,” he replies.

I look up in shock. He sees me as a lady? Confusion rushes through me.

He is looking at me. His eyes don’t move.

I try to move my own, but I am stuck. Transfixed by the deep pools of blue that are staring back at me.

His brows furrow and he looks away. The spell broken. Reality setting in.

He coughs and moves his hand.

My breathe gets caught in my throat and a deep sorrow rises from the pit deep inside of me.

I slowly get up and dust myself down.

He looks back at me, as if he wishes to say something else. But his words remain unspoken.

“I must go M’Lord,” I finally say, breaking through the silence.

“As you were,” he replies. His voice hardened.

I go to leave.

I turn my head around as I reach the door and look back at him.

His eyes are burning intently at me.

He steps forward, his hands reaching towards me.

“Ah Lord Julian, there you are,” says a voice, breaking through the intensity that has begun to rise between us. “Your father has asked you to join him in his study.”

“Yes of course. Thank you Charles.”

He turns to leave. But takes one last look at me and without moving his lips he tells me that this ‘thing’ between us is far from finished.


I run my foot down your leg. Making my way from the top of your toned thigh all the way down to your ankle.

Soft and circular strokes.

I place my hand on your chest, the spot where your heartbeats. It’s pace steady but strong.

I move my face close to yours. I feel your breath on my face as you exhale.

I love how pure you look. Your face in its natural setting. No worries are cast over you. You are innocent to all the wrongs in the world. Nothing is troubling you in this moment and time.

Your eyes stir behind your eyelids. I want to join you in whatever you are dreaming about. Our minds in sync, living out our love in a higher plane.

I feel the heat radiating from your skin. I wrap my body in yours as I feel sleep taking over me.

We are skin to skin.

Our heat and love intertwine.

I am yours and you are mine.

The bond we have, grows stronger and more intense.

I have never experienced a love like this before.

I want to live out my eternity with you.


The sun beamed down on my hand and an orange glow emulated from my pinky finger, as I held up my phone to type my response.

The words flew from my finger tips so easily; how I wished I was this confident when I was in front of you.

You turned me from this strong confident self assured person to a weak stumbling mess.

Love or infatuation, I wasn’t too sure what it was.

All I knew was that whenever you were close. I wanted to draw you closer to me.

All five senses were heightened. All I wanted to do was touch you, smell you, taste you. Feel you.

You did something to me that was unexplainable. No one had ever made me feel the way that you did.

A smile rose on my face as your response appeared on my phone.

I rolled over onto my side. How I wished you were here.

I closed my eyes allowing my mind to take me to a place where it was just you and me. We floated to a plane where we were the only two in existence.

I felt your touch on my skin. Your lips on mine.

Ecstasy in the air.

My phone buzzed again bringing me back into reality.

Your words emblazing my phone.

I typed back my response, the heat rising from my body.


My feet were sore from all of the walking, but I continued on.

I was in total agony, but I would do anything for him; even spend my Sunday afternoon hiking up a hill in the middle of the countryside, so I pushed it to the side.

Andrew beamed down at me from the top of the hill.

“Any time today babe,” he joked.

I gave him a glare and continued on with my ascent to the top.

Why couldn’t he have normal hobbies? I’d rather tolerate 10 hour gaming sessions than this. Sighing I reached into my bag and gulped down the water in my bottle.

I should never have suggested it, but curiosity had gotten the best of me. I had wanted to see him when he was in his natural element, and in his element he truly was. It made my heart warm, seeing him so expert at something, seeing a side of him that I had never experienced before.

I finally reached the top, I was breathless and light headed. Andrew bounded over to me.

“Isn’t it beautiful,” he asked wrapping his arms fully around me.

It truly was, now I understood why he did this. The views alone were worth all the walking.

I pressed my body closer to his and intertwined my hands in his. Before I knew it his lips were on mine and we began my favourite form of exploration.

We sat down on top of the hill and watched the sun begin to set, a perfect ending to a somewhat torturous day.


I rang the number again and the phone continued to trill until voicemail picked up.

I sighed, at least he hadn’t put me on do not disturb or blocked me. But I didn’t know which was worse.

I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the car door. Stepping outside I took a deep breath and popped open the boot. I picked up the tin covered tray of food and used my leg to close the boot again.

Maybe he would be here tonight. I hope he was.

I walked the few short steps it took to get me from my car to the front door. But it felt like the longest trek ever, a weight of doubt and fear on my shoulders slowing me down.

Delia opened the door with a smile, embracing me in a hug.

“Finally,” she spoke, letting me go. “We thought you’d never make it. I know the LA roads are still a bit confusing for you.”

“No it was fine,” I replied, “Mike’s been teaching me.”

I tried to stop myself from crying, his name on my lips was a form of torture.

As if knowing what was going on in my head, Delia took the food from my hands and started leading me to the kitchen.

“Let me give you the grand tour,” she said, giving me a reassuring smile.

The house truly was amazing, Delia and Tom had done a great job.

I sat down with my drink and tried to make conversation. But the only question on my mind was ‘where was he’? Delia was his sister and it was only expected that he would be at her housewarming.

An unnerving thought popped into my mind. Maybe he wasn’t here because he knew I’d be here. Me and Delia had become such great friends since, Mike and I had started dating; he must have known I’d be here and decided not to come.

I missed him, I wanted nothing more that to throw my arms around him and hold him forever.

I started to feel sick, the house even though it was massive in size started to feel smaller and smaller. I needed air. I got up and went outside.

The cool evening breeze washed over me, and I took some deep breaths to try and calm myself down.

I felt tears begin to drip from my eyes. Why was he doing this to me? Why couldn’t he just talk to me?

I sat down on the brick wall and backed my flute of champagne and placed the glass back on the wall.

“Zee,” my name sounded like a bullet escaping from his lips.

I turned my head.

There he was, dressed from head to toe in his signature black.

I felt my heart crack, my throat tightened.

I wanted to jump up and press him against me. Feel his heartbeat again, the one that I had been missing for the past week; but I was frozen.

He walked up to me and sat down. I couldn’t speak. We sat in silence just staring at each other. I saw pain in his eyes, he saw pain in mine.

Finally I spoke.

“Why,” was all I could muster.

“I,” he paused unable to continue.

“Why,” I repeated again, this time with more urgency. “Why did you leave me? What did I do wrong?”

The tears continued to flow from my eyes.

He reached out his hand, and wiped them away with his thumb.

“I felt trapped,” he finally said. His voice strained.

“What do you mean,” I whispered back.

“I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself. That I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I was all alone, lost.” He clenched and unclenched his fist.

I took his hand into mine, stroking it, trying to soothe his tension away.

“I just needed to get away. I wasn’t being fair to you I know, but it’s hard. Sometimes I wake up and there are so many questions in my head, questions I can’t answer. Like who am I? Where do I belong?”

Tears began to fall from his eyes.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “But I’m working on it. I’m working on myself. Delia found me this therapist and it’s helping.”

“I’m so sorry you’ve felt so alone. That you couldn’t come to me,” I sobbed.

“No, don’t you ever think that this is your fault. This is me, but I’m working on it. I want to be a better man for you. But also for me. I want to be strong again. I want to be the man that you fell in love with.”

“Still love,” I replied.

I moved closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. My head resting on his chest.

“I want to be strong too,” I said.

We sat there together for the rest of the night. No one came out to disturb us. They just let us be. Two lost souls clinging on to each other.