28.12.18

There was nothing better than someone doing something special for you.

You get this warm gushy feeling that pools in your stomach and spreads all around you.

You get that flushed feeling and your cheeks are warm to the touch. Your heart feels like it’s wrapped up in bubbles.

That’s exactly how I felt when I opened the locker and found three mini cheesecakes wrapped up in foil.

Lemon to be precise. My favourite.

He had pressed the key into my hand and with a smile proceeded to tell me that he had left a surprise for me.

Locker 13.

An unlucky and unfavored number to many.

But to me it was the start of something new. A blossoming beginning.

I bit into the cheesecake, the hunts of lemon waking up all of my tastebuds.

A smile washed over me.

I think I was falling in love.

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24.12.18

The house lay silent, excited minds had fallen quiet long ago, lost in deep pits of sleep.

I sat downstairs amongst rolls and rolls of wrapping paper, illuminated by the lights of the Christmas tree.

It was so like me to be so last minute. I had to be better next year.

A cup of cocoa floated above me as Dan handed me a cup. Trying my best to escape the destruction that lay all around me I reached up and grabbed the cup. A melee of small pink and white marshmallows bobbed on top of the chocolatey pool.

I took a sip of it, the world seemed to stop and time stood still. I was at one with this mug of hot sugary goodness. I could kiss Dan, in fact I was.

I placed the cup down on the coffee table. Got up and placed my lips on his. A startled look crossed over his eyes before he could take it all in. I pointed up at the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling and he relaxed. Our lips found each other again and danced together.

He tasted like cinnamon, I wanted this kiss to last forever. I had wanted this kiss for forever, ever since Olu brought him home all those years ago. Now I was. The teenager inside of me danced and giggled with glee.

Our kiss intensified and my senses were turned up a notch.

This was my Christmas gift, all unwrapped and ready for me.

We broke free from our enchantment and I looked down at the floor. Shame flamed my cheeks.

It’s funny hour the spur of the moment can have you doing all kinds of crazy things, but that moment after. Wow the shame is so powerful.

I looked up and he was staring at me. He held my gaze not allowing me to break free of his eyes. The same eyes I had wanted to gaze into mine like this, for so long.

He took my hand into his and stroked my thumb.

Our eyes spoke unspoken words and our mouths began another dance. I guess the wrapping could wait another hour.

19.11.18

Most of the time my head feels like it’s stuck in a cloud of fog. It’s heavy, weighted down by worry after worry after worry.

I’m a prisoner shackled to doubt.

I want to break through. I want to be brave.

My feet edge closer to the sea. The sand feels hot under my heels. My eyes are closed.

The sun beats down on me and the sounds of the waves guide me. One more step and I’ve made it. The water pools around my ankles and I open my eyes.

I turn around and scan around the beach for you. When I finally locate you a feel a tingle run through me. This is happiness. This is a moment that I will store forever in my memory banks, and pull out when time doesn’t feel that good.

When even the sun itself can’t gage a smile from me. When the envelopment of a duvet is more appealing than getting up and facing the day. I look back to moments like this and they make me feel almost human again.

They remind me that this is not forever. That the storm will come to an end.

I lock eyes with you and your smile draws me back to the shore.

17.12.18

My heart was a flutter. My mouth dry. I could smell him from all the way over here in my corner. His scent was so intoxicating, it had sandalwood tones. My absolute fave.

Would he look my way? All he needed to do was turn 47 degrees to his left and he would be face to face with his future wife. The love of his life. All he needed to do, was turn around. Just turn around. It was so easy. I was all the way over here in my little corner and he didn’t even know it.

It was a shame really, a mighty mighty shame. 

Just a simple turn and both of our dreams would come true. But it’s like something inside of him was compelling him not to, it’s like he wanted to enjoy a sad and boring life without me in it. But it was cool, I would wait. I would wait until the end of time.

The lift came to a stop and the doors sprang open,  he stepped outside and within seconds he was gone, out of my life. The doors closed and continued upwards. His scent still lingered, a faint shadow of him. 

Oh well, there was always tomorrow I smiled to myself.

09.12.18

It felt heavy and hard. Suffocating.

It pressed down hard on me, not allowing me to escape. I was its unwilling prisoner. I had fought so long and hard to avoid it. But it had finally caught up to me. It clung to me hard not wanting to let me go.

How had I let it get to this? How had I become so weak?

One minute I was walking down the street and the next thing I knew I was caught in its web. No escape.

It had struck with such force that I was now spellbound. My limbs under its control, my mind no longer my own.

It felt strange, foreign. I didn’t feel comfortable. I wanted it to stop. I had never felt this way before. I thought I had, once before. Way back in the day, before the once upon a time.

But it was different then, it wasn’t the same as this. This was indescribable. Unique. Strange.

Why wouldn’t it stop. Why wouldn’t it leave me alone?

Why me? I didn’t want this, never asked for it.

I was happy just getting by. I was happy by myself. Happy lost in my own world. I never asked for anyone else. Never needed anyone else.

This felt wrong. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t myself anymore.

I wanted it to go. To leave me alone. Go back to the way it was. The way it was before this.

Before love came along and claimed me as it’s own.

30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

26.11.18

I was fine. I knew I was fine. This is was just a tiny little blip. Something we all experienced whenever things were riding high. Something bad had to happen in order to break up the goodness and let us know what the good things were.

This didn’t mean that it was all going to come crashing down. This wasn’t the end. It was just one small tiny blip.

Something we could get over.

He loved me. It was just a moment of madness. One tiny little moment. Nothing really.

We could move forward, get over this. Forget it had happened. Pretend. Like it had never happened. Like it had never truly ever been a thing. A figment of our warped imagination.

We were fine. We were happy. We were moving on.

But it had happened. It had!

And now where were we stuck in this limbo. This moment of loss.

All because of one tiny little mistake.

A little blip.

24.11.18

The distain I felt for you was getting more and more harder for me to hide.

It was beginning to get difficult for me to smile when I really wanted to cut my eyes at you. To laugh at your unfunny jokes when all I wanted to do was push you.

Could you see how I really felt about you?

Was this all just a pretend dance that we both kept dancing just to get through the day?

Would we continue until we dropped down out of exhaustion?

If only the answers were out in the open. If only we could just be honest with each other. But it wasn’t as simple as that.

We were supposed to be in love. People looked upon us a an amazing couple, a dream team. We were #couplegoals. People aspired to one day have what we had. How could we shatter their dreams? Let them know this was a facade, that there was no such thing as the perfect couple, as the perfect love story.

So we continued on every day, smiling and laughing. Covering up the deep distain, hurt and hate we had for each other.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.