06.10.18

Forgotten stories fluttered all around us.

Memories unwritten. Lost never to be found again.

My heart yearned for days gone past.

Looking into your eyes I couldn’t see the person I was searching for. Staring back was a stranger.

My stomach flipped.

How had it gotten to this?

I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you. To be close to you again.

But you weren’t you.

You were cold.

There was a wall and you were keeping me out.

I missed you.

I wanted the real you back. Not this stranger who had taken over.

Why were you doing this?

What had happened to the person who had claimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

How could you go from loving someone to not, in the blink of an eye?

I was lost. More than confused.

I just wanted you back.

I silently screamed at you. I envisioned myself shaking you until you snapped out of it.

Until you took back your words and loved me again.

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24.09.18

I took a deep inhale in.

My fingers wouldn’t stay still. I kept tapping the side of my bag. It somehow gave me comfort.

I couldn’t stay still. Staying still would mean pausing. And pausing would mean existing for more time without you.

So I continued to tap the side of my bag.

Every now and then I glanced up at the timetable. There were 5 minutes left. 5 more minutes of you not being here.

My heartbeat quickened.

Please be coming.

Please don’t let it be a lie.

I took another deep breathe. I tried to steady my hands, but they continued to tap away.

5 turned into 4, into 3, into 2. Until there was only 1 minute separating us.

I had waited so many years for this moment.

I had never given up hope.

I took a final deep breath and walked towards the door.

Before my hand even touched the engraved metal plate that said push, there you were.

Standing there.

In front of me.

Real.

I felt my spirit leave my body as it joined with yours.

You were really here.

I stood frozen.

I couldn’t move.

Was this a dream?

Would I wake up soon?

You walked over to me and enveloped me into you body.

I could smell that familiar smell that I had missed so much. That I had craved to smell once more.

I was in your arms again and I never wanted to leave them.

We stood there for a while. Just being.

11.09.18

I still love you.

It echoed around my head, like a drumbeat.

It felt like sharp knives sticking into me.

Again and again.

I hated those words.

Hated them with a passion.

They had no place being said to me.

It wasn’t fair.

My heart was not a toy to be played with.

31.08.18

Our lips touched and I was transported to another place.

I was totally lost in him.

I had waited so long for this. He tasted like peaches and his lips were softer than velvet.

I edged my body closer to him and our kiss intensified. I didn’t want this to end. I could stay in his arms forever.

Imaginary music began to chime in my head. This was utter bliss.

Please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end.

He moved his mouth away from me and came up for air. My lipstick had stained his mouth and he looked like a clown.

I placed my thumb on his lips and attempted to rub it off.

I felt a longing rush through me and I edged myself closer to him. My breathe intensified as his kiss heated up.

My arms reached for him and I ran one along his back pressing his body into mine.

This was it. There was no going back.

29.08.18

The stars twinkled above me and the butterflies fluttered away inside my stomach.

A warm wave flowed within me.

I was happy.

It had been through it all and now finally I could smile again.

Dom picked up the bottle and poured me another glass. Why was he so wonderful?

I had never experienced love like this before. It was so foreign to me. I kept waiting for things to go wrong; constantly looking for red flags.

But of course I never found anything. He was pure perfection.

Why couldn’t I just allow myself to be happy?I had to stop thinking that there was an agenda behind everything.

I looked back at the Eiffel Tower basking in all of its glory. This felt like something out of a rom com.

I had always wanted to come to Paris and now I was finally here. With the man of my dreams.

I closed my eyes as I bring my glass to my lips, the aroma of the wine danced across of senses as I inhaled.

This was a night to remember.

27.08.18

Magic truly was real and it lived inside of him.

I was lost in the mystic of him.

All I wanted to do was put on my shoes and run away with him.

Just say fuck it and go.

The pressure was getting all too much.

The planning, the pleasing others; it was never going to end.

We were all that mattered.

I turned to him and whispered fuck it.

He smiled back at me.

“Let’s do it.”

A warmth of happiness ran through me.

19.08.18

My eyes weighed heavy underneath my eyelids.

I was not backing down, not this time.

He sat still in the corner, his face was resting on his palms.

I was not backing down.

We had never been this bad.

Words that hurt worse than fists, had been thrown.

I wanted to run to him, to put my arms around him. But I didn’t want to be the first one. It was always me who gave in first.

Not this time. Not now I knew how he really felt about me.

My head hurt and my eyes stung.

I got up, his head rose, his eyes asking questions that his mouth could not.

I walked past him into the darkness of the night.

Tonight would not be the night. I wouldn’t leave him tonight.

09.08.18

His fists tightened as he moved towards her.

He didn’t want to do this. He never did.

Life was hard. All he wanted to do was sit down relax and take a breather. But she wouldn’t let him would she? She was always on at him. Nag, nag fucking nag.

Constantly pushing his buttons. It’s like she did it on purpose. Pushing him to the edge until he exploded.

She didn’t understand him. Didn’t understand the pressure that he was under. Why couldn’t she just be understanding? Why couldn’t she see that he was hurting?

She cowered near the wall. Tears streaming down her face. She was shaking.

He hated doing this, he didn’t want to. It wasn’t him. It was all her. She made him see red. If she didn’t go on at him so much, then he wouldn’t. He would stop. He wouldn’t have too.

His knuckles stung. The skin at the corner of his hand had ripped as it made contact with bone.

His breathing calmed and he sat down.

“You know I love you,” he spoke again, his tone softer now.

02.08.18

I stare into your eyes and I see a lifetime, flash inside of them.

I see us meeting for the first time. I was acting silly because you had just told me that you liked me and that you had built up the courage to come and talk to me, after being intrigued by me for more than half a year. I was acting coy, pretending that I wasn’t interested in you; but really deep down I was smitten.

I continued to push you away, until I pushed too hard and you fell straight into the arms of one of my friends.

I pretended to be happy for you when you finally asked her out and then started dating.

I continued to pretend when you became exclusive and pledged your love for her.

I thought I was over you when you asked get to marry you and then had your first child together.

When the second one came, the feelings that I once had all but disappeared.

But now as I stand here, a bridesmaid in your wedding and those feelings that once were so strong have resurfaced.

As our eyes meet and your lips move, as the words of your vows fall from your lips, I see the feelings that you once had for me never left too.

As we I stare into each other’s eyes we see a life that never was.

30.07.18

Hush.

Stop your shoulders from rocking. Wipe your tears away.

The shit that falls out of your mouth is just that shit.

I can’t believe I lasted so long in this, like it was a win a car competition.

Fuck your sorry and fuck you.

I won’t fall for it, not this time.

I’m not leaving you, you’re leaving me. Leaving my life and vacating this lie.

I won’t be the guilty one.

I won’t be the one that looks bad.

I won’t be the one that didn’t try and make it work. That didn’t try hard enough.

No you won’t make me the villain. Not this time.