25.05.18

My hand ran through the grass. I was in utter bliss.

All I wanted to do was lie here forever, with the sun beating down on me.

All my struggles were lost in the wind. I was happy.

Why couldn’t I stay here forever.

A shadow formed over me, blocking the rays of the sun.

It was George.

I took off my shades to scold him.

His big gummy smile beamed down on me.

I couldn’t be mad at him. I sat up and scooped him into my arms. He giggled.

I lived to hear him laugh. It made my heart beat.

To think this ball of sunshine had once lived inside of me.

They say that a mother’s love was the most strongest love, just looking at my son I knew that was true.

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19.05.18

I had never known a love like this before.

The kind of love that makes you feel as if you might suffocate if the person that means more to you than anything else in the world is not near to you.

I had never known it before him.

I had been all alone for such a long time. I thought that I was destined to be alone forever, that there wasn’t someone out there for me.

But like with most things I was wrong.

He came into my life with such force and swept me up in to his storm of love.

I truly had found my soul mate. The person who loved me unconditionally and who knew me more than I knew myself was now apart of my life.

As I stood there before him and the rest of my love ones, a sole tear fell down my cheek.

I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

I had finally found my prince.

15.05.16

Lauren’s hands entwined into mine, like how shoelaces bind shoes together.

It was weird how much of a perfect fit her hand was in mine. Like our hands were destined to be together.

She smelt like coconut and jasmine, a combination that you would never think would work, but on her it did. It was almost perfection.

She continued to sing, her voice hitting notes that she didn’t realise that she could reach, and the surprise in her eyes every time she met them amused me.

We were on borrowed time. But it felt like eternity whenever I was with her.

I bent my face down to meet with hers and lovingly kissed her forehead.

It was always her forehead and never her lips. Kissing on the lips was a no no. Once we did that there was no going back.

Something that was nothing more than innocent would be ruined. It would sour everything that we had.

So we stuck to forehead kisses and hand holding.

Stolen moments.

05.05.18

Misty continued down the path, placing one foot carefully in front of the other. Just a few more steps she thought to herself.

She steadied her breathe and continued on.

Finally her foot nestled into the soft yet firm sand. It was warm. She placed her second foot on the sand and smiled to herself, she had made it.

She turned around to Jack, tears were streaming down his face as he watched on.

This was their beach, the place that the had fallen in love in, the place they had vowed to love each other till there dying breaths. It was only right that she had come here.

She continued to walk on, closing her eyes and allowing the sea to speak to her.

This had always been her happy place.

Her legs began to feel tired, but she didn’t want her weaknesses to defeat her, so she carried on until she came to the edge of the sea.

She sat down, allowing the water to brush against her feet.

Jack followed shortly after and sat next to her. He carefully placed the basket that he had been holding next to him and opened it.

He handed Misty a glass and began to pour the bottle of Prosecco that he had packed. His hands shook as he poured the liquid all the way to the rim of the glass.

She smiled at him as she slowly brought the glass to her lips and took a sip.

She looked so peaceful.

He wasn’t ready. He turned around, so that he could wipe away the fresh tears that were beginning to form.

Misty began to hum, it was the same song that she had hummed all those years ago, when they had first met. Her a failed art student and him a tired and lonely banker, both seeking something more. Not knowing that they had sought out their equal pairing.

Misty placed her empty glass next to her and snuggled against Jack’s chest.

He wrapped his arms around her as they sat in silence watching the sun begin its decent, a crimson glow filling the sky.

These were the moments he would remember. The times when they would escape here and dance under the nights sky. Embraced by the twinkling stars. The times they watched the sun set and the times they had watched it rise.

He had never felt more alive when he was here with her and she when she was her with him.

This was their home.

Jack stayed still watching as the sun finally disappeared, long after Misty had taken her final breath.

In the darkness, he carried her up into his arms and walked back into the world.

02.05.18

I had forgotten. Something that I had done more than 100 times before, something that was imprinted on my brain that it had become second nature; I had forgotten to do.

How could I have been so stupid?

I turned on my heal and walked back towards the house.

As I walked back up my driveway I looked up into the sky. The sun was beaming down and there were barely any clouds in the sky. Today would be a good day to plant my Pogonias I thought to myself.

I put the key into the lock, turning it twice until I heard the mechanism inside pop and the door released.

Tom was sat in his as usual chair. The top of his hair was beginning to grey now and was becoming a lot more thinner.

To think it once had been his pride and joy was laughable now. He used to swat my hand away whenever I came near it.

The higher it was, the better.

It never moved, just stayed there solid on top of his head.

I walked over to Tom and sat on the edge of the chair and took his hand into mine.

I would give anything for him to swat my hand away now. Anything to hear his laughter. Telling me I was being a sappy sod.

I kissed him on the top of his head and stroked his hand, as he gazed into the black box in front of him.

I wondered if he still knew that I loved him, if he still loved me?

Was the part of him I had fallen in love with all those years still there?

“I’ll be back in a minute love,” I said to him as I rose to my feet. “I’m just popping out to get some milk. Love you.”

I leaned against the front door as it closed against my back. I fought the tears, but they won the battle as they trailed down my face.

How could I have forgotten, after all of these years together. How did u forget to tell him I loved him.

29.04.18

His hand grazed my cheek and I looked up at him.

I loved it when he was like this, when he was really affectionate. It reminded me of the old days. The days when he showed me true love, when it was pure.

Who knew how long it was going to last though. These days he was becoming less and less predictable.

He leaned down and planted a kiss on my cheek. I still felt it when his lips left. Like a virtual tattoo. His territory marked.

I didn’t want it to end. I clung onto his hand. Willing him to stay with me. Not to leave. I wanted this part of him, not the other side. Not the side that made me feel like I shouldn’t exist. The side that told me that I could never do anything right. The side that hurt me.

He squeezed my hand in a loving way and kissed me full on the lips.

I sighed as his kiss grew deeper. At least I’d have him for this moment.

25.04.18

It’s your eyes.

You have these “I’m an open book but I have some hidden chapters eyes”. The “I’ll treat you right, but if you break my heart don’t think I won’t break yours too” eyes.

They were the first things that drew me to you. I was intrigued.

I felt an immediate connection with you. And you felt it too. Well you’ve told me you did. Unless you were lying.

Sometimes when you’re not looking, I like to gaze into them. I often wonder what you’re thinking. What makes you tick? What makes you do the things you do?

Whether you really love me? Whether you wish that I was someone else?

I question if there is something that you are hiding from me? If it’s something bad? Would I be able to forgive you? Would I move on? Or would it stay in my head, forever niggling at me?

Would I grow to resent you? Would I leave? Would you leave?

But then I look back into your eyes and I feel reassurance. I feel your arms reaching out for me. I feel safe.

Your eyes tell me all I need to know.

Your eyes make me happy.

19.04.18

I shake my head at how ridiculous you are. How little that you value yourself that you can let that piece of trash back into your life.

It’s always one step forward, five steps back with you.

All he has to say is a few sweet words and it’s hook, line, sinker.

I wish I could respect you, but it’s so hard to.

How many years have you already wasted on him? Why do you want to waste any more?

He obviously doesn’t feel for you the way that you feel for him, or he wouldn’t do the things he does.

How can you still love him?

I keep staring at myself in the mirror as I struggle to answer my own questions.

16.04.18

It dawned on me, this was the end of everything I had ever known. The person that I had been, the person that I was, would be changed forever.

I was terrified. All I wanted to do was get up and leave, but my feet were rooted to the floor.

I had been looking forward to this for months. Planning it over and over in my head for years.

But now as the hours counted down, as the minutes and seconds ticked by, the more scared I became.

I wasn’t ready. I needed more time.

My heart pounded against my chest.

Soon they would come for me. They would come and it would be too late.

I had to make my escape.

I pulled my dressing gown around me and walked towards the door.

As my hand reached out for the handle, it stopped mid air.

An image of his face flashed before me. Memories of the love that we had, the promises that we had made to each other.

I couldn’t do this to him. I loved him to much.

I walked back over to the chair and sat down and waited on my future.

29.03.18

I liked being alone.

Being in your own company was better that being with someone that didn’t deserve to be in your presence, let alone have any of your time.

I traced my finger across the window, that I had just hit with a bit of my hot breath.

I drew a standard heart.

It was a statement.

A statement that said that I was more than just the other half to someone’s whole. I was complete on my own.

I didn’t need someone else to validate me.

Especially not a loser who sought company from every other female except for me.

No, I had told myself I would not go down this road again. 13 months of therapy has purged him from my soul for good.

He didn’t need me and I sure as hell didn’t need him.

I was happy. H.A.P.P fucking Y.

Capital fucking Y that is.

I wasn’t sat in this bar, because I was upset that the man I had spent 17 years of my life loving, giving my everything to, was remarrying. Oh no, I was here to celebrate!

Celebrate the end of that chapter in my life.

The lost years as I had liked to call them.