09.12.18

It felt heavy and hard. Suffocating.

It pressed down hard on me, not allowing me to escape. I was its unwilling prisoner. I had fought so long and hard to avoid it. But it had finally caught up to me. It clung to me hard not wanting to let me go.

How had I let it get to this? How had I become so weak?

One minute I was walking down the street and the next thing I knew I was caught in its web. No escape.

It had struck with such force that I was now spellbound. My limbs under its control, my mind no longer my own.

It felt strange, foreign. I didn’t feel comfortable. I wanted it to stop. I had never felt this way before. I thought I had, once before. Way back in the day, before the once upon a time.

But it was different then, it wasn’t the same as this. This was indescribable. Unique. Strange.

Why wouldn’t it stop. Why wouldn’t it leave me alone?

Why me? I didn’t want this, never asked for it.

I was happy just getting by. I was happy by myself. Happy lost in my own world. I never asked for anyone else. Never needed anyone else.

This felt wrong. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t myself anymore.

I wanted it to go. To leave me alone. Go back to the way it was. The way it was before this.

Before love came along and claimed me as it’s own.

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30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

26.11.18

I was fine. I knew I was fine. This is was just a tiny little blip. Something we all experienced whenever things were riding high. Something bad had to happen in order to break up the goodness and let us know what the good things were.

This didn’t mean that it was all going to come crashing down. This wasn’t the end. It was just one small tiny blip.

Something we could get over.

He loved me. It was just a moment of madness. One tiny little moment. Nothing really.

We could move forward, get over this. Forget it had happened. Pretend. Like it had never happened. Like it had never truly ever been a thing. A figment of our warped imagination.

We were fine. We were happy. We were moving on.

But it had happened. It had!

And now where were we stuck in this limbo. This moment of loss.

All because of one tiny little mistake.

A little blip.

24.11.18

The distain I felt for you was getting more and more harder for me to hide.

It was beginning to get difficult for me to smile when I really wanted to cut my eyes at you. To laugh at your unfunny jokes when all I wanted to do was push you.

Could you see how I really felt about you?

Was this all just a pretend dance that we both kept dancing just to get through the day?

Would we continue until we dropped down out of exhaustion?

If only the answers were out in the open. If only we could just be honest with each other. But it wasn’t as simple as that.

We were supposed to be in love. People looked upon us a an amazing couple, a dream team. We were #couplegoals. People aspired to one day have what we had. How could we shatter their dreams? Let them know this was a facade, that there was no such thing as the perfect couple, as the perfect love story.

So we continued on every day, smiling and laughing. Covering up the deep distain, hurt and hate we had for each other.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

20.11.18

The sickening sound of their laughter wafted through the walls.

I rolled my eyes. So they were back together again. No more acid words were going to be thrown across the room. No more grenades of hatred to duck.

I had stopped trying to keep a score sheet of how many times they fought and made up again. It had become more routine than breathing.

Today they would be laughing and tomorrow it would be another war zone.

I turned the volume up on my phone to drown them out. I had no feelings, I didn’t care. This wasn’t a cause to celebrate for me.

If this was what love was like, then it was a pass for me. I didn’t understand why they stayed together. It was clear for everyone to see that their relationship was toxic. They weren’t good for each other. But the continued to cling onto that one tiny scrap that seemed to be keeping them together.

I was embarrassed for them. How could you live like that? It was truly pathetic.

As the laughter got louder, the music increased and my mind floated to a place where love meant more, than putting a positive face over a bubbling volcano of disaster.

13.11.18

He grabbed ahold of my hand and marched me forward.

He didn’t say a word to me the whole way there. The only sound came from our footsteps as we trudged along the path.

When we finally got there, he dropped my hand and looked at me.

His eyes bore into me like he was searching for something, but couldn’t quite find it.

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, day; just lost in each other. Our eyes were doing the talking.

I saw pain inside of him, I wanted to tear him open and relieve him of it. I wanted to push the pain away. Make it stop.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Never removing his eyes from me.

His lips covered mine and then they were moving together. He tasted of mint and coffee, with faint hint of tobacco.

I wanted this kiss to go on forever, but as quickly as it started it was over.

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and we retraced our steps, back to the beginning.

As soon as we got back to the start he dropped my hand and walked off.

We became strangers. People who walked past each other in corridors.

He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.

But our eyes and lips told a different story.

10.11.18

His piercing eyes bore into my heart.

Even from behind a screen he still had the power to make me feel like a giddy school girl.

Was this love or was this lust?

How could I feel such a thing for someone I hadn’t even met? Someone I didn’t even know.

Was I being shallow? I didn’t even know one thing about him. I was just going on looks alone. I didn’t know what his favourite colour was. What he liked to eat. I didn’t even know if he could speak English!

The language thing would definitely be a barrier if we ever did meet. How would we even communicate?

The one thing I did know was that he had a massive effect on me.

I had been alone for such a long time. I didn’t even remember what it felt like to be invested in someone in that way. To have strong intense feelings. It felt so foreign. It felt wrong.

But yet I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t turn my feelings off.

My hands hovered over the mouse of my recently typed message. I closed my eyes and pressed down.

This was it. First contact.

06.10.18

Forgotten stories fluttered all around us.

Memories unwritten. Lost never to be found again.

My heart yearned for days gone past.

Looking into your eyes I couldn’t see the person I was searching for. Staring back was a stranger.

My stomach flipped.

How had it gotten to this?

I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you. To be close to you again.

But you weren’t you.

You were cold.

There was a wall and you were keeping me out.

I missed you.

I wanted the real you back. Not this stranger who had taken over.

Why were you doing this?

What had happened to the person who had claimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

How could you go from loving someone to not, in the blink of an eye?

I was lost. More than confused.

I just wanted you back.

I silently screamed at you. I envisioned myself shaking you until you snapped out of it.

Until you took back your words and loved me again.

24.09.18

I took a deep inhale in.

My fingers wouldn’t stay still. I kept tapping the side of my bag. It somehow gave me comfort.

I couldn’t stay still. Staying still would mean pausing. And pausing would mean existing for more time without you.

So I continued to tap the side of my bag.

Every now and then I glanced up at the timetable. There were 5 minutes left. 5 more minutes of you not being here.

My heartbeat quickened.

Please be coming.

Please don’t let it be a lie.

I took another deep breathe. I tried to steady my hands, but they continued to tap away.

5 turned into 4, into 3, into 2. Until there was only 1 minute separating us.

I had waited so many years for this moment.

I had never given up hope.

I took a final deep breath and walked towards the door.

Before my hand even touched the engraved metal plate that said push, there you were.

Standing there.

In front of me.

Real.

I felt my spirit leave my body as it joined with yours.

You were really here.

I stood frozen.

I couldn’t move.

Was this a dream?

Would I wake up soon?

You walked over to me and enveloped me into you body.

I could smell that familiar smell that I had missed so much. That I had craved to smell once more.

I was in your arms again and I never wanted to leave them.

We stood there for a while. Just being.