I am…

color-866082_1920

I am a black woman.

Words that I never really thought about before.

I was always trying to distance myself from it. Market myself as just a woman.

Why should my race have anything to do with who I am? We are all equal right? Race is nothing other than a social construct?

Ha like fuck it is! Race is real people. I live, breathe, bleed race. I am a black woman.

Now more than ever I truly see the beauty of who I am. I am done living in shadows hiding myself. Self hating. Wishing I was something else. I am done hiding behind my hands and seeing the reality of what is happening in the world. Ignoring it. Pretending that it’s not true. That it’s too far away to affect me. That it’s not my problem.

Well it is! It is real and it is happening. For too long people who look like me, who are like me, have been robbed. Robbed of their opportunity to rise, to live, to exist.

Now more than ever I know who I am. Never again will I hide myself. Try and blend in. I want the world to see me. To see us. To see we.

I am a black woman.

I am black!

Advertisements

Writer’s Corner – Me Again


I’m suffocating, drowning in this non-existence.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to punch every wall, kick every door.

I want to have a purpose, have some form of validation.

I want to exist. I want a reason to live.

I don’t want to be this invisible loner, lying here decaying.

I want my energy back, my spark.

I want to smile again, laugh until it hurts but still can’t stop.

I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. Stuck with my own thoughts as company; my captive and torturer.

I want this dull pain to stop. I want to rip it out of me. I want to throw it around, beat on it the same way it beats on me. I want to show it that I’m the one in control now.

I want to be me again.

Writer’s Corner: Night Notes – Mermaid

I don’t want to do the things that humans usually do or want to do. I don’t want to laugh and I don’t want to cry.

I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even to myself. I just want to lay in the cocoon that is my bed and watch back to back episodes of nothing.

I don’t want to bath, I don’t want to clean my teeth. I don’t want to change my underwear, I don’t want to wash my face. I just want to lay here listening to the steady drum of my heartbeat.

I haven’t combed my hair in weeks.

Sometimes I dream that I’m on a beach, the sun beats down on me, a slight breeze wraps itself around me as I walk towards the water. I feel the sand crumble under my feet, I can feel every grain.

The coolness of the water is the first thing that I can sense. I want to wade all the way in until it takes over me. 

Instead I stop when the water is ankle height. I inhale the saltiness. I close my eyes and envision myself as a mermaid, but when I open my eyes I’m face to face with the mould splattered grey wall that greets me every morning after my 4 hours of sleep.