31.12.18

The December winds swept into January. It was a brand New Year and with a New Year came a chance to start a fresh.

The person who you were before, the person that made mistakes, who you weren’t 100 percent happy with, that didn’t mean anything. You had the chance to reinvent and that is exactly what I was going to do.

I was washing away the me that was too scared to do anything. The me that didn’t really live, scared to exist. That me was being washed away. I was ready to reenter and bring the me that deserved to flourish, into the world.

It was such a freeing experience and as the clock ticked past twelve I felt almost brand new.

I was leaving the old me behind and I was ready to see what this New Year had in store.

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30.12.18

My heart had experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this year. For the most I felt that I was playing a losing game. Nothing seemed to be happening for me.

I had never felt more alone. Or if I had this just felt worse at the moment. I just felt like I couldn’t catch a break. That I was cursed. That up meant down and down meant up. That left meant right and right meant left. You catch my drift.

Life was constantly throwing me lemons without a good recipe for lemonade.

But crazily enough there were actually a few good things that happened.

I witnessed my best friend get married. My brother’s girlfriend had a baby so I became an aunt for the first time. I rescued a baby bird and nursed it back to health.

Though life seemed pretty shitty, there were a few flickers of diamonds. There to remind me that there was a reasoning behind all of this. And that the bad would hit lost forever. Even though I felt like it would.

I was more than ready to seek out what the new year had in store for me. And I was prepared for all of the ups and downs and right and left corners.

29.12.18

All my things were packed up into bags and boxes.

I thought I would feel weird. This place had been home for me for nearly 10 years. Well I used the term home loosely. This place had been far from a home.

A home was supposed to radiate warmth. You were supposed to feel safe at home. I was always on edge here. Trapped. I never felt free. Never in control of my own actions.

Today those feeling were coming to an end. I was getting out of here.

It hasn’t all been bad. Hidden down deep there were a few good memories. Nothing that I could recall at this present time, but they existed.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if it was released frustration or sadness.

I picked up my first box and made my way to the waiting car.

It was over. I was getting my fresh start. I was finally getting my shot at happiness.

After the final box was moved. I closed the door and got into the car. As I did up my seatbelt I refused to look back. I had already said my goodbyes long ago.

26.12.18

So I Google how to stop fading into the background.

Because it’s something that I can’t stop from happening.

No matter what I do, even if I try something different. I always seem to somehow disappear.

I’m always overlooked. It’s sad and I am really trying my best to stand out, but it just keeps happening.

So I’m working on a plan to never go unnoticed again.

My grand scheme starts today. No one will ever skip over my name again. I will be the first thing that they think about when they wake and the last thing before they sleep.

I will be the mighty one this time.

I hit the search button and sit back scanning website after website after website.

23.12.18

Five broken bottles lay at my feet. Five bottles that once had a purpose, a reason to exist, lay broken at my feet.

It wasn’t an accident. I did it on purpose. I allowed them to fall from my grasp. I allowed the glass to shatter and spray upwards as the bottles hit the floor. Allowed the wine to pool around the floor as it finally managed to gain its great escape and flow steadily to my perfect white rug.

You didn’t see me. If you did, would much have changed? You still would’ve done it. You turning around and seeing me wouldn’t have turned back the clock and stopped you.

All that might’ve happened was that you would have been aware that you had been caught. Aware that in that split second, when I allowed the five bottles of wine to drop from my hands and crash towards the ground, that you had broken something inside of me.

And even though my heart was still beating, blood was pumping through my veins and breathe ran through me. I had died. In that split second just before my hands that were carrying five bottles of wine that you loved so much, gave way and allowed them to begin their descent downwards. You had taken a huge carving knife and stuck it deep down into my heart.

The glass crunched under my feet as I made my way over to you.

22.12.18

You smile that fake smile in my direction and for what feels like the 100th time I ponder on why you hate me so much.

What makes you get up and decide you know what I will hate her today? It fascinates me.

Because I have never done anything to directly make you hate me. All I’ve ever wanted was for us to get on. To be friends. To live together in harmony.

What makes you feel so attacked by me? Why do you feel so inferior? Whatever could I have done to make you feel such distaste towards me?

You tell stories about me that aren’t true and turn me into something I’m not.

Why do you hate me so much? In another world we could be best friends. We could be confidants. But you chose to let our differences define who we both are to each other. And due to one unseen threat that only you can see and only you have witnessed, you keep me at arms length.

20.12.18

Who would have thought that something that comes so natural to many, held the power of changing your mood. Turning it a whole 180.

Something that you didn’t have to pay for, but you could do if you wanted a professional.

The body was such a powerful tool.

That’s what was running through my head as I stared at the chip of paint that was hanging on for dear life to the ceiling.

Why wouldn’t it just fall?

I looked back at Lucy, she had a kind face. The type of face that held reassuring powers. I guess that’s why she had become a therapist.

My finger continued to play with a piece of thread that had come lose on the bottom of my sweater.

The weight that continued to press down hard on my neck, was easing up. Verbal diarrhoea was spewing out of my mouth as I confessed my inner most secrets, spoke on things that I would never tell anyone that I knew. I spoke about the darkness that I never seemed to be able to shake. This was a no holds barred situation.

When my mouth finally came to a rest. I felt lighter. Free.

It truly was good to talk.

I had made the first step, working on getting better. I didn’t want this darkness to stop me from living life. I wouldn’t allow it to win. I wasn’t going to allow it to fully consume me. I would soon hold all the power and it would cease to exist.

I was looking forward to being in control of myself.

A smile slowly crept over my face and I continued to speak.

19.11.18

Most of the time my head feels like it’s stuck in a cloud of fog. It’s heavy, weighted down by worry after worry after worry.

I’m a prisoner shackled to doubt.

I want to break through. I want to be brave.

My feet edge closer to the sea. The sand feels hot under my heels. My eyes are closed.

The sun beats down on me and the sounds of the waves guide me. One more step and I’ve made it. The water pools around my ankles and I open my eyes.

I turn around and scan around the beach for you. When I finally locate you a feel a tingle run through me. This is happiness. This is a moment that I will store forever in my memory banks, and pull out when time doesn’t feel that good.

When even the sun itself can’t gage a smile from me. When the envelopment of a duvet is more appealing than getting up and facing the day. I look back to moments like this and they make me feel almost human again.

They remind me that this is not forever. That the storm will come to an end.

I lock eyes with you and your smile draws me back to the shore.

18.12.18

You came into my life when it was so stagnant.

You were the spark that lit the fireworks inside of me.

Woke me up from the coma I had fallen into. You brought me back to life.

Now that you’re gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I stare blankly at walls hide myself from the outside world.

Sometimes I hear bird songs and it makes me cry, not with sadness but with joy.

I think back to the times we used to run through the rain, throwing our heads back as we allowed the droplets to fall down on our faces.

I miss you, but I was glad to have known you, glad to have experienced a life with you.

It will never be a goodbye from me. I will never let you die, you will live on forever through me.

14.12.18

I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean and that someone rescues me but then drops me back in and then rescues me and drops me back in again and again. Over and over.

Spluttering and gasping for air. Over and over again.

Wanting help but never finding it. Searching for a way to end the suffering that I never asked for.

This is my cry for help. This is me shouting at the top of my lungs, that I need help.

I have never felt more lost than I have now. Or maybe I have. Maybe I’ve felt worse than this before, but I shut it so deep down that I forgot and it’s not even a distant memory anymore.

I used to have days when I would wake up and happiness would spread all around me. Wrapping me up in a cocoon of love and joy. I felt safe. I felt worthwhile.

I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

My eyes are a constant red, bloodshot from hours and hours of crying. Constant bad thoughts drip dropping inside of my head.

I need help.

When will there be a day when I can truly be happy? When will there be a day when I’m not constantly battling with myself? Thoughts of me dying frequent me way too often then I would like.

I want to live I squeak. I want to experience great things. But the black smog stifles my words, it stops me from getting them out.

I need help.

I long for it to leave me, my constant unwanted companion. It sits on my chest, squeezing every essence of joy out of me.

It robbed me of my smile and every time I ask for it back, it laughs at me. At least it gets to laugh. Real laughter has not visited me for years. I’m so used to laughing fake laughs that they have become part of me.

I need help.

I want to shout it again. I want everyone to hear me. See that behind this mask that lies to everyone that I’m okay, that I’m alright; I’m really not. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long long time.

I need someone to guide me home. Help the me that is wondering around out there, lost and confused and just wanting to come back.

The me that once saw a destination further than the end of the rainbow.

That me, wants to come home. So please if anyone can hear me.

I need help.