19.06.18

Was it a crime of passion or passionate crime? Who knew.

All Abi knew was that she was not guilty.

She had been set up and she was sticking to her story.

The prosecution came in hard at her again.

Throwing around big words and threats.

Her lawyer had said it was a bad idea her taking the stand, but she wanted them to see her. See that she could never have done the things that she was being accused of doing.

What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

She was here to plead her case.

She just had to prove to them that she had been set up and then they would believe her.

They would believe her right?

They had to, they had to believe her. She was innocent.

They didn’t lock up innocent people right?

Did they?

Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken the stand.

What if they didn’t believe her and sent her away?

She would be locked up for a crime that she had never committed.

She felt her shoulders sink.

All her life she had played by the rules. Only to end up locked away for something she hadn’t even done.

How was this justice?

How was this fair?

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17.06.18

sunset person love people

Absentee.

Not there.

Not worth the oxygen.

Just another day.

Nothing to see here.

Nothing to celebrate.

The yearning to be loved, is worse than a battle wound.

Why don’t you love me I want to scream! I need an answer, but do I really want one?

The days of me wanting anything from you, are now nothing more than a thought swept away by winds long since gone.

I am more than your name.

I have flipped it and made it my own.

Though your image may be reflected in me, I am not you.

I am not yours.

I have become something much more than you will ever know.

Grown strong, without any of your nourishment.

A completed person, with no influence from you.

Does it make you feel shame to know that I’m here?

That I’m alive and you have had no input.

Do you think of me when you close your eyes and when you wake?

I don’t.

You are nothing to me.

Just a name that sometimes comes up in conversations.

A faceless being.

So I raise my glass and make a toast.

Happy Father’s Day to me.

 

16.06.18

Who knew?

It was never supposed to get this far.

It was only supposed to be a joke and now here we were.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead as my stomach lurched.

I was going to throw up, I knew it.

The salt from my now dry tears were stinging my red swollen eyes.

He looked down at us.

His smile wrapped with both evilness and glee.

He was in power now. He had flipped it over on us.

No longer were we his tormenters, he was ours.

He walked over to me.

My shoulders began to shake.

I wanted to scream. Tell him not to hurt me. Plead for my life. But the words wouldn’t form. My throat and mouth had lost of sense of how they were supposed to work and they had failed me.

I closed my eyes and prayed that this was not it.

14.06.18

All it took was one smile, one kind word and I was happy.

It was so funny to think that small thing held so much power.

That my bad mood could switch itself up so fast just by a simple smile.

I felt my cheeks redden. The heat felt so foreign on my face. For the longest time a scowl had been etched across it. Now a smile that was struggling to stay hidden was in its place.

It had been so long since I had felt this way that I didn’t know how to act.

I smiled back at him. Thanking the mystical powers inside of him for breaking the spell that had taken ahold of me for so long.

13.06.18

All I wanted, was to wrap myself inside of your arms and lay my head on your chest.

I wanted you to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

But it wasn’t, was it? It was never going to be alright again.

This was it. The fairytale was over.

I stood there, eyes brimming with tears. Wanting to say something but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was dumbfounded. Stuck in a void.

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. This had to be a dream. A nightmare.

You looked up at me, a sneer snaking across your face.

You didn’t even have to say anything and the tears began to fall.

How did you have this much power over me?

Why did I crumble under your gaze alone?

Maybe there was still time for me to fix this. This couldn’t be it?

You just had to hear me out, hear my side of the story. Understand why it happened.

And maybe then you wouldn’t have to go.

Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me.

We could fix this and start again. We could start again and not make the same mistakes.

You picked up your now full bag and placed your key on the dressing table.

Without looking at me you left the room.

With each footstep, as you descended down the stairs, my heart broke a little bit more.

I stood in the corner, long after you had gone. Your scent still ripe in the air.

What if’s and maybe’s floating around my head.

12.06.18

Recovery.

Was slow and long.

Why couldn’t it be faster than this? Yes I knew that I had experienced a major trauma, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to live like normal.

Be who I was before this.

I was sick of listening to people telling me to slow down. Maybe I didn’t want to slow down.

Maybe I wanted to speed up because I wanted my life back!

All I wanted to do was scream and shout at everyone. To tell them to leave me alone.

But what good would that do?

It wouldn’t make me stronger. It wouldn’t make me, me again.

Recovery was slow and long.

But it was worth it.

11.06.18

Contempt.

That is all I feel for you now.

All I see is a smug narcissistic waste of a man that sucks the souls of those that mean the most to me.

A word stronger that hate would not be good enough for you.

You’re the worst kind of person. You are the devil walking around.

You think you’re respectable and that you have your feet firmly under the table, but we all laugh at you when you’re not around.

You are the butt of all our jokes.

To think at your big age you’re still moving around like your a small boy.

Your own children don’t respect you.

Your wife is sick and tired too.

Why are you even still here.

You don’t deserve the air that I breath, so I’m gon

09.06.18

It was unhealthy. It was so unhealthy.

I wanted to scream at her, run at her and shake her shoulders.

Why don’t you love me? What’s wrong with me? Why do you despise me so much?

I was never a part of her plan.

A child when she was still a child. She couldn’t afford to keep me so I went to live with a friend of her mother’s, whilst she worked three jobs to keep me in food and clothes.

Maybe that’s when our bond broke. She never really got the chance to mother me.

Someone else was my mother. The place in our hearts where each of us should’ve belonged, was empty.

We were strangers bound by blood.

When she was finally able to stand on her two feet, I went to live with her. But by then it was too late. The damage had already set in and what was supposed to have been, was lost forever.

Two became three, then four, then five and six. The link fraying, as more and more people come in between our love until, it was frayed so much that it that it appeared broken.

I was no longer hers and she was no longer mine.

We drifted along together down the same stream, but in different directions.

The love that I never knew from her, if there had ever even really been love, had all but disappeared.

I was thrust out into the world, alone and afraid.

Unwanted.

08.05.18

Being with him had truly put things into perspective.

I knew that I was so much better than what I actually believed I was. Stronger than I knew.

I had allowed him to prey on my insecurities for the last time. He would no longer have the hold he so cruelly used on me again.

I smiled to myself as I placed the last item of clothing in my bag and began to close it.

It was ironic, here I was closing the final chapter of my life with him and I was happier than I had ever been.

I lifted the bag up from the bed, it was lighter than I had thought it would be. But I was only leaving with the clothes I had arrived in, so it wasn’t that surprising.

Nothing he bought me would leave with me. I was going back to the girl I used to be. I was no longer the girl that he had moulded me into.

I was escaping. My shoes tapped along the long stone corridor.

The door to my freedom was in my sights.

No looking back I said to myself.

I reached the door and my hand reached out to the handle.

I paused, my heart hammered in my chest.

I dashed out all of the worries that were beginning to formulate in my head.

“You can do this,” I said in a small breathy whisper.

Slowly my hand turned the handle and the door opened.

Freedom greeted me with a smile and I stepped outside.

04.06.18

Leon looked down at the sea of faces in front of him. People were speaking in low hushed conversations.

He felt his heart race under his skin.

Was this the right decision?

He felt like he had been backed into a corner and there was no escape.

It was way too late now.

He should have said something earlier. If he said something now then feelings would be hurt.

But wasn’t it better to tell the truth now, and allow time to heal wounds.

It was better to tell the truth instead of live a lie. The truth would always come out.

He swallowed a tight ball of saliva.

The music started up and she stepped into his sight.

Everything that he felt before flew out the window.

She looked incredible.

He felt his emotions bubble go the surface and tried to stop himself from crying.