17.10.18

Tiny flakes of toasted bread that hadn’t quite made it to the promised land that was my stomach, decorated my chest.

For the third time this week I had, had to settle with toast for dinner.

It wasn’t by choice. Finances were incredibly tight this month and I had to sacrifice luxury and taste, for just getting by.

I dusted the toast crumbs off my chest and gulped back my glass of tap water.

It wasn’t going to be like this forever. I mean there had to be a reason for all this badness happening to me.

I stared at the wall for a while. Tears dancing behind my eyes, but I wouldn’t allow them to fall.

I had been down before and had always managed to get back up. This was just one of those times.

I said a silent prayer in my head and got up.

Things were going to get better. I mean that had to. There was no way I was leaving my chapter to end this way. No way sir, not on your nelly.

A smile crept across my face. As I allowed positive thoughts to manifest within me.

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15.10.18

My arms fought off the fire that was burning from deep within.

This had been a stupid mistake.

Why was I so cheap? All for the cost of just less than £30, I could’ve done this in one go. But no I had to do that whole cut my nose of to spite my face song and dance and here I was struggling.

I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself. I didn’t know why I did things like this.

My great grandma said I had the stubborn gene in me. Just like my dad.

But I was nothing like him. Nothing at all.

I wiped the sweat away that was forming on my forehead, with the hand attached to the arm carrying the lightest bag.

I was nearly there. Nearly at my destination and I could drop all these bags and relax.

It may have seemed silly to others. But it was a triumphant achievement to me.

14.10.18

The intensity was building up.

I was a pressure cooker without the steam being let out.

I wanted to be anywhere but here but I had made the choice to do this.

I was surrounded by too much noise. I couldn’t silence the chatter inside of my head.

This was too much. But I didn’t want it to be. How had I let it all build up?

Why was it building up so fast.

I knew it would be intense, but I didn’t know it would be this intense.

The pressure was knocking hard against my temples. I just needed to release. I wanted to scream to kick my legs about.

Break free of the shackles that bound me to this place.

The roar inside of me could not be contained.

I needed to release.

I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

The bursts of oxygen whirled around my brain. Massaging the knots that had built up in my shoulders. Caressing my cheeks and letting me know that all would be fine.

I was stronger than this. I would not let it win.

I opened my eyes. I would find a way to overcome this.

12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

10.10.18

The leaves crunched under my feet as I hurried down the street.

The wind bit at my red eyes and caressed the tears that had long since dried.

This had been the worst day of my life.

I just wanted a hole to appear underneath me and suck me inside of it.

How could so many things go wrong?

I just wanted to hide away from life. Empty my bank account, book a flight and start again somewhere. Somewhere where I didn’t have to be me anymore.

My hands were shaking. Anger, fear and anxiety all balled up into one.

This was so unfair. I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kicking my arms and legs like a toddler.

Everyone was laughing at me. I could sense it. No where was safe.

I didn’t feel right. My chest felt tight and I couldn’t breathe. I needed someone to help me.

I stopped outside a shop and held onto the wall.

The familiar feeling of a panic attack beginning, rose inside of me.

I just had to breathe.

But I couldn’t.

I felt sick.

Why was this happening?

I felt myself falling. The world was crashing into me.

Why wouldn’t this end? What had I done to deserve this?

I just wanted it to stop.

I needed silence.

I needed the noise to end.

A hand reached out to me breaking through the storm.

“Are you okay?”

I looked up and for the first time in a long time I began to feel a sense of calmness.

06.10.18

Forgotten stories fluttered all around us.

Memories unwritten. Lost never to be found again.

My heart yearned for days gone past.

Looking into your eyes I couldn’t see the person I was searching for. Staring back was a stranger.

My stomach flipped.

How had it gotten to this?

I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you. To be close to you again.

But you weren’t you.

You were cold.

There was a wall and you were keeping me out.

I missed you.

I wanted the real you back. Not this stranger who had taken over.

Why were you doing this?

What had happened to the person who had claimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me?

How could you go from loving someone to not, in the blink of an eye?

I was lost. More than confused.

I just wanted you back.

I silently screamed at you. I envisioned myself shaking you until you snapped out of it.

Until you took back your words and loved me again.

05.10.18

Hello. Goodbye.

The images continued to dance in my head.

Two words.

They were the only words I heard now. Nothing in between.

Everything in between was lies.

Truths that had been twisted. Tainted. Poisoned.

The image would not leave. Nothing I did would make it disappear.

I wanted to scream. Scratch it out of my head.

Go away!

Hello. Goodbye.

I clenched and unclenched my hands.

Make it stop, please make it stop.

My hands began to dance upon my head, coming down with such force.

I wanted it gone.

Why did it hurt so much?

Hot tears streamed down my face as I sank to the ground, leaving black trails on their journey.

There would never be an end to my suffering. I was cursed. Cursed to relive it again and again, until my last breathe.

Hello. Goodbye.

04.10.18

The cool evening air continued to caress my cheeks as I marched on.

I was nearly there. Home.

If I could even call it that anymore.

It hadn’t felt like home in such a long time.

I felt like an imposter, a stranger in another’s man’s home.

How had it come to this?

How did a place that used to radiate so much love and happiness become so sour.

My heart cried out for days long give.

When laugher filled the hallways and the air wasn’t stale with fear.

My hand hovered over the key hole and I felt my heart stop.

This was not my home.

02.10.18

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel your arms around me.

To show me that you loved me.

To make me feel important.

To make me feel like I was valued.

All that I’ve ever wanted was to feel wanted.

To know that my life was important. That I was important.

That I existed for a reason.

That there was a reason for me being here.

It’s not too much to ask. I’m not asking for something that is unattainable.

Just one small tiny little action, that speaks louder than words.

That shouts down to everyone that can hear. That you love me. That you’ve always loved me and always will.

But you can’t can you?

You just can’t do it.

Admitting you love me goes against everything you stand for.

You can’t show your humanity. You can’t allow the metal shield to be dropped. Thaw out your coldness.

Expose the real you.

And because of that I suffer. Because of that I feel less than, worthless, unimportant.

Because of that I am unloved.