09.12.18

It felt heavy and hard. Suffocating.

It pressed down hard on me, not allowing me to escape. I was its unwilling prisoner. I had fought so long and hard to avoid it. But it had finally caught up to me. It clung to me hard not wanting to let me go.

How had I let it get to this? How had I become so weak?

One minute I was walking down the street and the next thing I knew I was caught in its web. No escape.

It had struck with such force that I was now spellbound. My limbs under its control, my mind no longer my own.

It felt strange, foreign. I didn’t feel comfortable. I wanted it to stop. I had never felt this way before. I thought I had, once before. Way back in the day, before the once upon a time.

But it was different then, it wasn’t the same as this. This was indescribable. Unique. Strange.

Why wouldn’t it stop. Why wouldn’t it leave me alone?

Why me? I didn’t want this, never asked for it.

I was happy just getting by. I was happy by myself. Happy lost in my own world. I never asked for anyone else. Never needed anyone else.

This felt wrong. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t myself anymore.

I wanted it to go. To leave me alone. Go back to the way it was. The way it was before this.

Before love came along and claimed me as it’s own.

Advertisements

08.12.18

Eyes heavy. Soul heavy. Body heavy. Joy gone.

Love lived here once upon a time, but it’s long since gone. Cobwebs dot the corners of a once happy home.

I clench and unclench my fist as I lay flat out on my bed. Spots of sunlight peak through holes in the curtain.

I want to get up but I can’t. I’m so weary. I’m weak. I feel heavy. Squashed.

I’m forgotten here. Here I forget.

A smile appears on my face and disappears soon after. My heart beats a steady pace.

I’m at peace. I could be happy. I’m ready to move on. But how can I move on? Life is a rollercoaster and mine is the coaster in the wild, the one that doesn’t stop even when the leaver is pulled. My coaster keeps on going until is crashes into the other coasters and makes a bloody mess.

I am a mess.

I need to get up. But I don’t want to.

I need to get up, but I can’t.

Get. Up.

06.11.18

The gum had gotten hard, but I continued to bite down on it.

I was going to stay here all night. I had staying power. This was nothing. I would stand here all fucking week if I had too.

Nothing was gonna stop me.

Not sleep, not lack of food, not even the need to go to the toilet. I was a warrior, a champ of all champions. There was no way I was moving, no way at all.

I had never really had much. I worked hard for everything I owned like most people. I deserved this. I deserved to be here.

I wasn’t giving up now, I had worked way to hard to get here and a little belly rumble was not going to stop me, no siree-Bob!

Determination was my middle name.

The sun began to peek through the dark sky, as night slowly turned into day. The sound of yawns echoed around me.

I had done it, I had survived the first night. I had proven myself. I felt fulfilled and accomplished. They were sure to accept me now.

04.12.18

I was too nice of a person. That’s what it was. The nice side of the coin. The good cop. The road walked over more.

Why did people always walk all over me? Did I have push over tattooed on my forehead? Was I just an easier target? Did others thrive on making themselves feel better by making me feel worse?

I was in a state of pure and utter confusion.

Confusion as to why, someone would do this to another person.

Why would you do it?

I mean you really had to hate someone so strongly and think that their life was oh so meaningless that you could or even would do that.

I felt betrayed, a part of me was taken away.

Trust had always been a fragile passenger, but not it was well and truly broken.

I stood there as the rain poured down on me. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that all my makeup had washed away and my hair was a limp lifeless blob.

All I cared about, was that my life had been shattered, twisted, snapped in two pieces that would never glue back together.

Steam began to rise as the cold droplets battered against me. Yet still I would not move. My eyes matched the sky as the tears continued to pour.

And I continued to stand there.

02.12.18

Empty takeaway boxes littered both my internal and external.

How had allowed it to get so bad?

One minute I was doing 20 reps at the gym past midnight, next I was sat at home straining my arm just to get to the chocolate box that had fallen underneath the bed.

I had hit rock bottom. Healthy was no longer in my radar. I felt like shit, so what else could I do except eat my feelings away? It made me feel good, well at least when the food was going down my throat. Not so much afterwards.

Afterwards, I felt like shit!

I felt like I was the biggest loser. Why did I keep doing this? It’s not like I didn’t know it was bad; it’s not like I didn’t cringe every time I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I was disgusted with who I had become. Just getting out of bed was becoming a stressful situation.

I needed to make a change and make a change soon. But it was so hard. It was so damn hard.

Tears began to bubble at the corner of my eyes. I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I wanted to start taking care of myself. Be better. But I didn’t know where to begin. I needed help. I wanted help. I wanted to change myself for the better.

I lay there for a while, absorbed in my own self-pity and then I got up out of my bed and began to pick up the takeaway containers, the shame ran through me as I placed them in the wastebasket.

I could do this, I said to myself. I could change.

01.12.18

I stuck my middle finger up at the departing bus. The dickhead had seen me I knew it. There was no way that he could’ve missed me. I was wearing my usual uniform of bright lime green. Totally unmissable.

I was in no fucking mood to be messed with tonight. No fucking mood at all. My stomach was screaming for food and my feet felt like a sledgehammer had attacked the soles. I was in no fucking mood!

I screamed at the top of my lungs and stamped my feet. Big mistake. The pain that ripped through them as contact was made with concrete floor was indescribable.

Why did shitty things keep happening to me!

I was pissed, I was angry, I was every synonym of vexed that there was.

I shook my fists up to the sky and muttered a curse on the driver that had left me standing there in the cold darkness. I hoped his dinner, that he was rushing home to, was cold and shit. I hoped he chocked on a bit as it went down, but more so irritation than fatally killing him. I hoped that he spilt his drink down himself and tripped over the dog’s tail. I wished everything bad on him.

Why should he not be made to suffer the same way that he had made me? Why should he not feel just an ounce of what he had forced me to feel, when he continued to drive on and not stop for me and forced me to have to wait a whole sixteen minutes for another bus?

Yeah he should suffer too.

30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

29.11.18

The pain shot up my back, spreading like fire.

Why wouldn’t it stop? Why was this happening to me.

I got on all fours, as tears streamed down my face. The pain wouldn’t stop no matter what I did it just wouldn’t go away.

I was cursed I knew it, I mean what else could be the reason for this?

Who had I hurt? I had obviously done something to someone and it must have been so bad, to be suffering from such severe karma.

I continued the back exercises that the physio had recommended, but still the pain continued.

Nothing was working, not the heat balm or the freeze spray and the two anti-inflammatory pills I had taken an hour ago, still had no affect.

I was in agony. I was gonna die. This was so much more than pain.

Images of my family and other loved ones flooded my mind as I continued to writhe around on the floor.

This was torture. This was a feeling that that had brought me to the edge.

I was done. Finished. I wanted it to end.

I reached over for the packet of pills on my bed and popped open every compartment. I threw my head back and chucked in the remaining fourteen pills and washed them down with now room temperature water.

As soon as I swallowed them all, I knew I had made a mistake. Regret rushed through me. Within minutes my stomach had began to bubble. What had I done?

I had unwillingly caused myself to overdose. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to die. Pain was not something that would drive me to want to die. I had wanted freedom, a release but I hadn’t wanted this!

I ran out of my bedroom and straight for the toilet. I made so many bargains with God as I lay my head over the bowl willing the vomit to come; I would live in pain forever if only it meant I could live.

I wanted to live more than anything.

28.11.18

I was floating. I was on cloud ten, mount Olympus high. I never wanted to get down from here. I was in the land of dreams and I had no plans to come back down.

It had been a hard few months. Work was far and few between and money was a myth. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Food was scarce and bills were going unpaid. The fear of homelessness was at the tip of my mind.

I was scared.

To think that this was my life, is laughable now. I’m in such a good place. I’m happy, healthy and more fulfilled than I have ever been in life.

Who knew all it took was making one small change. One tiny change that would’ve gone overlooked if it wasn’t for Wayne.

Wayne came along when there was nothing else in life. No goals, no future. Nothing. Like a cleaner he swept away all the bad things and with a click of a finger they were all gone.

No more pain, no more worries, no more sadness.

I had never felt better than I had at this moment.

I was in a bubble, free from all the things that had harmed me in the past. Wayne would see to it that I would forever be free, Wayne had helped take that pain away.

I owed everything to Wayne. He was the key to everything that I wanted and needed.

27.11.18

My chest felt heavy and I was struggling to breathe. I leaned my left hand on the wall to steady myself.

My other hand tossed the laddered tights across the room. I wanted them far away from me.

My head pounded and my throat was dry. I thought to the last time I drank some water, but my mind was blank.

Why couldn’t I remember?

Bile began to bubble in my empty stomach. But I refused to throw up. I wasn’t gonna allow something else to take control of me.

Fatigue hit me like a hard slap across the face. My eyes felt so heavy. All I wanted to do was fall into a crumpled heap right there on the mottled grey carpet. But my body wouldn’t let me.

I wish I had stayed at home. I wish I could press reset on this whole day and start again from the beginning…

My arms stretched before I opened my eyes. I smiled, excited for another day on this earth. I wondered what amazingness was in front of me.