30.05.18

sunflowerI’m sad.

Sad and lonely.

Sad, lonely and bored.

I struggle with seeing the good things in life and I’m bogged down with all the things that are bad and wrong.

The side in me that wants to quit, seems like it’s the winning side recently. My get up and go attitude has diminished so much. All I want to do is dive under my covers and disappear.

Disappear into a world where I mean something, where I’m important. Where life has a purpose and I have some sort of value.

I crave this world so much, that my heart yearns for it, more than it does the real world.

Every breath I breathe out here, is a breath that is stolen from the other world, stolen from the other me. The me that I want to be.

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to have to struggle and suffer any more . I just want to be at peace.

I want to lay down and have the sun smile down at me and tell me that everything is okay now, that I am worth something, that I am important.

That I’m special.

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29.05.18

mental-health-1420801_1920

I want nothing more than to have a life. A life that excites me and gets me out of bed in the morning. No matter if the sky is blue or grey I want to get up and feel like the oxygen that I breathe is worth it.

Even though my heart beats and blood pumps around my body I haven’t lived in such a long time. I died a long time ago.

I’ve stopped living and I can’t remember when I died. Everything I do is a distraction because I know my life is over.

Nothing that I do brings me real happiness. Every time I try it’s always one step forward two steps back.

I don’t want to make goals any more because no matter what I do they are always unreachable. Something comes a long to trip me up and I fall. I keep falling and falling and it’s so hard to get back up and keep going that I just lie there.

I used to be such a happy person. I have an amazing smile and my laugh can be heard for miles. I haven’t laughed properly in such a long time. Whenever I laugh now, it’s from one of my distractions. It’s not sincere because underneath my laugh lies so much pain.

The pain that has been built up and been bubbling for so long it’s become a comfort blanket for me. I wear it around my shoulders like a cloak. It’s fastened with a pin that is unbreakable.

I feel like an impostor in this life. I’ve come along and messed it all up. This life that had a perfect map, a perfect destination has been ruined, because I came and tampered with it.

All the goals and wishes that were made were broken by me. I ruin everything. I’m rot. I come along and cause death to everything that I touch. I shatter dreams, kill futures.

I killed myself and nothing that I do will ever revive me.

I’m destined to be forever broken.

Random Thoughts…It’s Good To Talk

I have a really unhealthy habit.

It’s a habit that I really want to get rid of and try and stop doing.

My unhealthy habit is not staying in contact.

I find it really hard to stay connected to people. It’s not a malicious thing at all. I never outwardly think today I’m going to stop speaking to someone and never call them again.

It’s more of a a life getting in the way thing.

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years tick on by  an then suddenly ‘poof’ you realise that it’s been a while since you last spoke to that person and you ponder on how difficult it will be to make that connection again. How you can rebuild that relationship.

This is a battle that I have with myself all the time.

It’s why my circle in life stays relatively small.

But it is definitely something I’m working on. I want to be able to build sustainable relationships and rebuild ones that I have let drift away.

One of the improvements I am pledging for this year is to make sure I keep in contact with people.

Relationships are important y’all.