31.12.18

The December winds swept into January. It was a brand New Year and with a New Year came a chance to start a fresh.

The person who you were before, the person that made mistakes, who you weren’t 100 percent happy with, that didn’t mean anything. You had the chance to reinvent and that is exactly what I was going to do.

I was washing away the me that was too scared to do anything. The me that didn’t really live, scared to exist. That me was being washed away. I was ready to reenter and bring the me that deserved to flourish, into the world.

It was such a freeing experience and as the clock ticked past twelve I felt almost brand new.

I was leaving the old me behind and I was ready to see what this New Year had in store.

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30.12.18

My heart had experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this year. For the most I felt that I was playing a losing game. Nothing seemed to be happening for me.

I had never felt more alone. Or if I had this just felt worse at the moment. I just felt like I couldn’t catch a break. That I was cursed. That up meant down and down meant up. That left meant right and right meant left. You catch my drift.

Life was constantly throwing me lemons without a good recipe for lemonade.

But crazily enough there were actually a few good things that happened.

I witnessed my best friend get married. My brother’s girlfriend had a baby so I became an aunt for the first time. I rescued a baby bird and nursed it back to health.

Though life seemed pretty shitty, there were a few flickers of diamonds. There to remind me that there was a reasoning behind all of this. And that the bad would hit lost forever. Even though I felt like it would.

I was more than ready to seek out what the new year had in store for me. And I was prepared for all of the ups and downs and right and left corners.

29.12.18

All my things were packed up into bags and boxes.

I thought I would feel weird. This place had been home for me for nearly 10 years. Well I used the term home loosely. This place had been far from a home.

A home was supposed to radiate warmth. You were supposed to feel safe at home. I was always on edge here. Trapped. I never felt free. Never in control of my own actions.

Today those feeling were coming to an end. I was getting out of here.

It hasn’t all been bad. Hidden down deep there were a few good memories. Nothing that I could recall at this present time, but they existed.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if it was released frustration or sadness.

I picked up my first box and made my way to the waiting car.

It was over. I was getting my fresh start. I was finally getting my shot at happiness.

After the final box was moved. I closed the door and got into the car. As I did up my seatbelt I refused to look back. I had already said my goodbyes long ago.

28.12.18

There was nothing better than someone doing something special for you.

You get this warm gushy feeling that pools in your stomach and spreads all around you.

You get that flushed feeling and your cheeks are warm to the touch. Your heart feels like it’s wrapped up in bubbles.

That’s exactly how I felt when I opened the locker and found three mini cheesecakes wrapped up in foil.

Lemon to be precise. My favourite.

He had pressed the key into my hand and with a smile proceeded to tell me that he had left a surprise for me.

Locker 13.

An unlucky and unfavored number to many.

But to me it was the start of something new. A blossoming beginning.

I bit into the cheesecake, the hunts of lemon waking up all of my tastebuds.

A smile washed over me.

I think I was falling in love.

27.12.18

Winter had settled in and it was making a right song and dance of not going anywhere. It was cold.

Winter jackets were a must. As were gloves and warm insulated shoes. There was no time for frost bitten finger and toes. Work had to be done.

A familiar but unwelcome scratchy feeling began to plague my throat. It had begun. I had fallen prey of the common cold.

For now I could stand up and could function normally, but I could already feel my body functions begin to shut down. Begging me to hurry up and get home so they could turn off all together.

I could not afford to be ill. Sick pay was a myth at work, but then again they wouldn’t allow me to work. Contamination was a big thing. It was a catch 22. I wouldn’t get paid.

I stopped off at Boots and filled my basket to the brim. Night nurse, vitamin C and echinacea tablets, Beechams, cough drops, I had the lot. I would not let this cold win the battle, no way.

I would be a survivor, I would allow this cold to hold me for 24 hours only and not a minute more.

I climbed the stairs laden with all of my goods and a hot water bottle in tow and jumped into bed.

The 24 hour get better and back to work so you can get money to pay the bills had begun.

26.12.18

So I Google how to stop fading into the background.

Because it’s something that I can’t stop from happening.

No matter what I do, even if I try something different. I always seem to somehow disappear.

I’m always overlooked. It’s sad and I am really trying my best to stand out, but it just keeps happening.

So I’m working on a plan to never go unnoticed again.

My grand scheme starts today. No one will ever skip over my name again. I will be the first thing that they think about when they wake and the last thing before they sleep.

I will be the mighty one this time.

I hit the search button and sit back scanning website after website after website.

25.12.18

My eyes felt heavy as the day began to draw to a close.

I felt full and happy. Stuffed on turkey and all the trimmings. What a day. Surrounded by family and food. What other way was there to spend Christmas?

My feet were more than doggone tired but I would survive.

For one day of the year I could forget about all the woes that were constantly running about my head and just be happy.

Happy, a word that I would never thought I would ever use to describe myself. But here I was basking in all its glory.

The corner of my eye spied the chocolate log that I hadn’t yet eaten; to give into temptation or not to give into temptation? Now that was the question.

It took me all of one second to make my decision.

24.12.18

The house lay silent, excited minds had fallen quiet long ago, lost in deep pits of sleep.

I sat downstairs amongst rolls and rolls of wrapping paper, illuminated by the lights of the Christmas tree.

It was so like me to be so last minute. I had to be better next year.

A cup of cocoa floated above me as Dan handed me a cup. Trying my best to escape the destruction that lay all around me I reached up and grabbed the cup. A melee of small pink and white marshmallows bobbed on top of the chocolatey pool.

I took a sip of it, the world seemed to stop and time stood still. I was at one with this mug of hot sugary goodness. I could kiss Dan, in fact I was.

I placed the cup down on the coffee table. Got up and placed my lips on his. A startled look crossed over his eyes before he could take it all in. I pointed up at the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling and he relaxed. Our lips found each other again and danced together.

He tasted like cinnamon, I wanted this kiss to last forever. I had wanted this kiss for forever, ever since Olu brought him home all those years ago. Now I was. The teenager inside of me danced and giggled with glee.

Our kiss intensified and my senses were turned up a notch.

This was my Christmas gift, all unwrapped and ready for me.

We broke free from our enchantment and I looked down at the floor. Shame flamed my cheeks.

It’s funny hour the spur of the moment can have you doing all kinds of crazy things, but that moment after. Wow the shame is so powerful.

I looked up and he was staring at me. He held my gaze not allowing me to break free of his eyes. The same eyes I had wanted to gaze into mine like this, for so long.

He took my hand into his and stroked my thumb.

Our eyes spoke unspoken words and our mouths began another dance. I guess the wrapping could wait another hour.

23.12.18

Five broken bottles lay at my feet. Five bottles that once had a purpose, a reason to exist, lay broken at my feet.

It wasn’t an accident. I did it on purpose. I allowed them to fall from my grasp. I allowed the glass to shatter and spray upwards as the bottles hit the floor. Allowed the wine to pool around the floor as it finally managed to gain its great escape and flow steadily to my perfect white rug.

You didn’t see me. If you did, would much have changed? You still would’ve done it. You turning around and seeing me wouldn’t have turned back the clock and stopped you.

All that might’ve happened was that you would have been aware that you had been caught. Aware that in that split second, when I allowed the five bottles of wine to drop from my hands and crash towards the ground, that you had broken something inside of me.

And even though my heart was still beating, blood was pumping through my veins and breathe ran through me. I had died. In that split second just before my hands that were carrying five bottles of wine that you loved so much, gave way and allowed them to begin their descent downwards. You had taken a huge carving knife and stuck it deep down into my heart.

The glass crunched under my feet as I made my way over to you.

22.12.18

You smile that fake smile in my direction and for what feels like the 100th time I ponder on why you hate me so much.

What makes you get up and decide you know what I will hate her today? It fascinates me.

Because I have never done anything to directly make you hate me. All I’ve ever wanted was for us to get on. To be friends. To live together in harmony.

What makes you feel so attacked by me? Why do you feel so inferior? Whatever could I have done to make you feel such distaste towards me?

You tell stories about me that aren’t true and turn me into something I’m not.

Why do you hate me so much? In another world we could be best friends. We could be confidants. But you chose to let our differences define who we both are to each other. And due to one unseen threat that only you can see and only you have witnessed, you keep me at arms length.