14.12.18

I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean and that someone rescues me but then drops me back in and then rescues me and drops me back in again and again. Over and over.

Spluttering and gasping for air. Over and over again.

Wanting help but never finding it. Searching for a way to end the suffering that I never asked for.

This is my cry for help. This is me shouting at the top of my lungs, that I need help.

I have never felt more lost than I have now. Or maybe I have. Maybe I’ve felt worse than this before, but I shut it so deep down that I forgot and it’s not even a distant memory anymore.

I used to have days when I would wake up and happiness would spread all around me. Wrapping me up in a cocoon of love and joy. I felt safe. I felt worthwhile.

I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

My eyes are a constant red, bloodshot from hours and hours of crying. Constant bad thoughts drip dropping inside of my head.

I need help.

When will there be a day when I can truly be happy? When will there be a day when I’m not constantly battling with myself? Thoughts of me dying frequent me way too often then I would like.

I want to live I squeak. I want to experience great things. But the black smog stifles my words, it stops me from getting them out.

I need help.

I long for it to leave me, my constant unwanted companion. It sits on my chest, squeezing every essence of joy out of me.

It robbed me of my smile and every time I ask for it back, it laughs at me. At least it gets to laugh. Real laughter has not visited me for years. I’m so used to laughing fake laughs that they have become part of me.

I need help.

I want to shout it again. I want everyone to hear me. See that behind this mask that lies to everyone that I’m okay, that I’m alright; I’m really not. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long long time.

I need someone to guide me home. Help the me that is wondering around out there, lost and confused and just wanting to come back.

The me that once saw a destination further than the end of the rainbow.

That me, wants to come home. So please if anyone can hear me.

I need help.

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30.11.18

My eyes were heavy and I began to drift off into a pizza induced coma. Nick had just stepped out to get us some ice cream. The fancy kind this was a celebration after all.

The credits began to roll and my eyes fluttered to a close.

I woke up to the vibrations from my phone. I groggily rolled over to put it on ‘do not disturb’, when I saw 30 missed calls. It was past 1am. Where was Nick?

I pressed my thumb to the home button and unlocked my phone. They were all from Dan? Why was he calling me after midnight? Why so many calls? Where was Nick?

A sick feeling ran through me and I quickly snapped awake.

I rang Nick’s number, no answer.

Where was he? He had only stepped out for ice cream. That was hours ago. Fear began to rock me. I called Dan back. Voicemail.

What was going on.

I began to pace up and down, as I continuously called Nick and Dan, getting voicemail each time.

I placed my phone down carefully on the kitchen counter and stared at it intensely, willing something to happen.

I must’ve sat there for almost 40 minutes before the name Dan flashed up on the screen.

I don’t even remember picking it up, but the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Tears overtaking me.

Dan was coming to get me.

I prayed I had time to say goodbye, even though I didn’t want to.

Dan said that there was nothing they could do. The damage to his body was too severe, there was no hope for survival.

Please let me have enough time to say goodbye.

Anger overtook denial and I threw my phone at the wall. I watched as the glass screen shattered on impact.

Why did we even need ice cream? I hated ice cream. I only liked the fancy stuff.

It was a cause for celebration he had said. We have to round the night off with ice cream. I’ll be 20 mins tops.

29.11.18

The pain shot up my back, spreading like fire.

Why wouldn’t it stop? Why was this happening to me.

I got on all fours, as tears streamed down my face. The pain wouldn’t stop no matter what I did it just wouldn’t go away.

I was cursed I knew it, I mean what else could be the reason for this?

Who had I hurt? I had obviously done something to someone and it must have been so bad, to be suffering from such severe karma.

I continued the back exercises that the physio had recommended, but still the pain continued.

Nothing was working, not the heat balm or the freeze spray and the two anti-inflammatory pills I had taken an hour ago, still had no affect.

I was in agony. I was gonna die. This was so much more than pain.

Images of my family and other loved ones flooded my mind as I continued to writhe around on the floor.

This was torture. This was a feeling that that had brought me to the edge.

I was done. Finished. I wanted it to end.

I reached over for the packet of pills on my bed and popped open every compartment. I threw my head back and chucked in the remaining fourteen pills and washed them down with now room temperature water.

As soon as I swallowed them all, I knew I had made a mistake. Regret rushed through me. Within minutes my stomach had began to bubble. What had I done?

I had unwillingly caused myself to overdose. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to die. Pain was not something that would drive me to want to die. I had wanted freedom, a release but I hadn’t wanted this!

I ran out of my bedroom and straight for the toilet. I made so many bargains with God as I lay my head over the bowl willing the vomit to come; I would live in pain forever if only it meant I could live.

I wanted to live more than anything.

15.11.18

Denial and grief shook my body.

This was not right, it wasn’t fair.

I felt my heartbeat quicken. Oxygen had stopped moving through my body, air was trapped in my throat. It was like I was drowning.

I needed to get out of here now.

I raced towards the nearest door and burst through it.

The cool air was a welcome distraction. The wind swept across my face, wiping away the salt from my tears.

I sat down on the bench and put my head in between my knees.

Just take a few deep breaths I said to myself. It will all be over soon. Just keep breathing.

When I had finally lulled myself to a state of calmness, I brought my head back up.

I could do this. I could get myself through this.

12.11.18

It didn’t feel real and yet it was. As soon as I looked into his eyes I knew.

His whole world had just been crushed, the rug had been pulled from underneath his feet.

I rushed over to him and put my arms around him. He squeezed me hard and lay his head on my shoulder. I felt his hot tears, as they fell onto the back of my neck.

All 5 foot 11 of him shook, as the grief that he had been holding in tore through him and was finally released.

I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He was always there for me; doing the littlest things to make sure I was happy. Now it was my turn. I would be there. Be the rock that he needed, but I felt helpless. I knew nothing I could say would make it better. He would never be the same again.

All I could do was be there for him. Help him through this painful time. Be the ear that he needed and open arms.

I would make sure that he would never be alone. I would be here for him. I wasn’t going anywhere.

11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.

09.11.18

I’m sorry that I don’t make life easy for you.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why that bubble that lies deep down inside of you suddenly rises and you feel a rage that you’ve never felt before.

I’m sorry that I get in the way.

I’m sorry that I consume too much of your space.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why your life is not where you want it to be.

I’m sorry that you are stuck.

I’m sorry that you feel negative whenever I’m around.

I’m sorry you feel hurt.

I’m sorry that I make you lash out.

I’m sorry you hurt yourself that one time.

I’m sorry that I remind you of every bad thing that has ever happened to you.

I’m sorry I don’t make it so hard for you.

I’m sorry that you find me annoying.

I’m sorry that I cause you pain.

I’m sorry that I make you cry.

I’m sorry that I don’t make the world spin in your fortune.

I’m sorry that I got up this morning

I’m sorry I took another breath.

12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

28.02.18

Am I really here?

I’m falling in the vast black hole of nothingness. Falling deeper and deeper into this abyss.

Every time I try and stop myself, claw my way back to the top, I just keep falling.

I am an empty shell. Life is a blur. I’m nothing more than a customer standing outside of a store peering in.

I want to do something, be something but forces are stopping me. I am stopping me.

I have become an enemy worse than my enemy. I am my own antagonist. I am the catalyst that is affecting my world.

But how do I stop me? How can I overcome myself?

This question lingers, floating about in the wind of my soul.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to wake up.