15.11.18

Denial and grief shook my body.

This was not right, it wasn’t fair.

I felt my heartbeat quicken. Oxygen had stopped moving through my body, air was trapped in my throat. It was like I was drowning.

I needed to get out of here now.

I raced towards the nearest door and burst through it.

The cool air was a welcome distraction. The wind swept across my face, wiping away the salt from my tears.

I sat down on the bench and put my head in between my knees.

Just take a few deep breaths I said to myself. It will all be over soon. Just keep breathing.

When I had finally lulled myself to a state of calmness, I brought my head back up.

I could do this. I could get myself through this.

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12.11.18

It didn’t feel real and yet it was. As soon as I looked into his eyes I knew.

His whole world had just been crushed, the rug had been pulled from underneath his feet.

I rushed over to him and put my arms around him. He squeezed me hard and lay his head on my shoulder. I felt his hot tears, as they fell onto the back of my neck.

All 5 foot 11 of him shook, as the grief that he had been holding in tore through him and was finally released.

I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He was always there for me; doing the littlest things to make sure I was happy. Now it was my turn. I would be there. Be the rock that he needed, but I felt helpless. I knew nothing I could say would make it better. He would never be the same again.

All I could do was be there for him. Help him through this painful time. Be the ear that he needed and open arms.

I would make sure that he would never be alone. I would be here for him. I wasn’t going anywhere.

11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.

09.11.18

I’m sorry that I don’t make life easy for you.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why that bubble that lies deep down inside of you suddenly rises and you feel a rage that you’ve never felt before.

I’m sorry that I get in the way.

I’m sorry that I consume too much of your space.

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why your life is not where you want it to be.

I’m sorry that you are stuck.

I’m sorry that you feel negative whenever I’m around.

I’m sorry you feel hurt.

I’m sorry that I make you lash out.

I’m sorry you hurt yourself that one time.

I’m sorry that I remind you of every bad thing that has ever happened to you.

I’m sorry I don’t make it so hard for you.

I’m sorry that you find me annoying.

I’m sorry that I cause you pain.

I’m sorry that I make you cry.

I’m sorry that I don’t make the world spin in your fortune.

I’m sorry that I got up this morning

I’m sorry I took another breath.

12.10.18

You show me things that I don’t want to see.

You get into my head and make me doubt myself.

You always seem to find a way to make me feel bad.

I hate looking at you. You make me feel sad. Sometimes angry.

I wish we could be friends. Laugh at jokes. Sing songs together. Do the things that we should be doing.

But you’re bitter. You’re only here to make me feel negative about myself.

You point out all my flaws and never allow me to pretend.

Nothing is ever good enough for you.

I want to escape from you. Run away and never see you again. But there is no escape, I’m stuck with you til the end of time. Forever cursed to have you in front of me.

I wish I could learn to love you. But it’s just so hard. When I look into your judging eyes. I feel nothing but sadness.

Maybe one day we’ll learn to see each other in the way we deserved to be seen.

And pick out the positives over the bad.

But for now I have to turn away. Because the pain of looking at you is just to hard to bare.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

28.02.18

Am I really here?

I’m falling in the vast black hole of nothingness. Falling deeper and deeper into this abyss.

Every time I try and stop myself, claw my way back to the top, I just keep falling.

I am an empty shell. Life is a blur. I’m nothing more than a customer standing outside of a store peering in.

I want to do something, be something but forces are stopping me. I am stopping me.

I have become an enemy worse than my enemy. I am my own antagonist. I am the catalyst that is affecting my world.

But how do I stop me? How can I overcome myself?

This question lingers, floating about in the wind of my soul.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to wake up.

20.02.18

Who am I?

I’m that lost and scared ittle girl that was teased. That was chased around the playground and had her name made fun of.

I’m that girl that was pushed over and had dirt kicked in her eyes.

I’m that girl that was told that these things were indicators that someone really liked me and that they were scared of the emotions that they were feeling, so instead of reaching out they pushed me away.

For every kick, punch, slap and harsh word that assaulted my body, I accepted them as forms of love; a deeper meaning attached to each of them.

For so long I was blinded to these beliefs. Never did I think that it was wrong.

Whenever you held me in your arms afterwards, words of regret and shame rolling off your tongue, I accepted your twisted gifts and stored them deep down inside.

I’m stronger now to realise that this was wrong. That love doesn’t come in the form of a clenched fist, a poisoned word.

You can never wrap love in a blanket of violence.

Violence is violence.

I am no longer that lost and scared little girl.