I want nothing more than to have a life. A life that excites me and gets me out of bed in the morning. No matter if the sky is blue or grey I want to get up and feel like the oxygen that I breathe is worth it.

Even though my heart beats and blood pumps around my body I haven’t lived in such a long time. I died a long time ago.

I’ve stopped living and I can’t remember when I died. Everything I do is a distraction because I know my life is over.

Nothing that I do brings me real happiness. Every time I try it’s always one step forward two steps back.

I don’t want to make goals any more because no matter what I do they are always unreachable. Something comes a long to trip me up and I fall. I keep falling and falling and it’s so hard to get back up and keep going that I just lie there.

I used to be such a happy person. I have an amazing smile and my laugh can be heard for miles. I haven’t laughed properly in such a long time. Whenever I laugh now, it’s from one of my distractions. It’s not sincere because underneath my laugh lies so much pain.

The pain that has been built up and been bubbling for so long it’s become a comfort blanket for me. I wear it around my shoulders like a cloak. It’s fastened with a pin that is unbreakable.

I feel like an impostor in this life. I’ve come along and messed it all up. This life that had a perfect map, a perfect destination has been ruined, because I came and tampered with it.

All the goals and wishes that were made were broken by me. I ruin everything. I’m rot. I come along and cause death to everything that I touch. I shatter dreams, kill futures.

I killed myself and nothing that I do will ever revive me.

I’m destined to be forever broken.


Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself

My name is Z..A… to the… well you get the gist.

I’m back boy’s and girls with a brand new flavour. This is the more grown up, I have time, I’m going to be serious, I love to write, I love to share and I love to post, blog.

Many of you my valued followers, may have been sad to find that I laid my former blog Amber Spotlights to rest a few months back. Yes though I did love Amber, like I said before I’m on my grown man B.I so I wanted to take my blog in a new direction, be more dedicated more serious. Not just have a few postings here and there. I wanted to create a brand and now finally I feel I have that.

So here’s to Red Lips and Twist Outs and like the description says this is not a natural hair blog, so please don’t get it confused with one. I’m not here to mislead anyone. Though as a natural sista I do follow natural hair blogs religiously, and maybe from time to time there might be a natural hair post here and there, but I repeat this is not a site dedicated to the cause.

So why the name Red Lips and Twist Outs then? Cos that’s me baby baby! All jokes aside I wanted to call this new grown up blog something that reflected me and after a long time of soul searching and mountain climbing (well not mountain climbing per se, though it does run in my blood, my amazing cousin climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro last year so who knows), Red Lips and Twist Outs came to me, so hey there you have it.

A new blog is born.