17.11.18

He brushed the stray lock of hair that had escaped by hair band, off my face and stared at me.

A smiled began to spread across my face and I stiffened a giggle.

Why did he have to be so serious all the time?

I stared back at him with the same ferocity. I would beat him at his own game.

We lay there eyes fixated on the other. Not one of us wanting to be the first to give in. Each of us wanting to be a winner of a nonexistent prize.

My eyelids began to get heavy and with much hesitation they dropped.

“I beat you again,” he murmured triumphantly, sleep heavy in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” he laughed sleepily.

“I’m not,” I replied arms folded across my chest.

He pulled me by my waist until I was close to him. My body bent into his own. So close that I could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

He ran a wave of kisses down my neck and pulled me closer to him.

I let out a sigh and I was lost.

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14.11.16

The brush moved back and forth over the oil stain. But no matter the ferocity used it would not fade.

I wiped away the beads of sweat that had began to form on my forehead.

This was bullshit.

This was complete and utter bullshit.

I should be upstairs with everyone else. Not down here doing this.

I was annoyed. I had spent the whole week preparing for the forty-nine guests, who had stepped foot over the threshold tonight. He only did odd numbers. Even numbers made him feel uneasy. Odd numbers made him feel powerful.

I had planned every single intricate detail, like my life depended on it. Putting my blood, sweat and tears into it all and how did he reward me? By punishing me. Forcing me to stay down here whilst drips of laughter spilled through the floor boards.

Bastard.

I hated him. But yet I loved him all the same. Emotions became tangled in this game. Feelings had no end and no beginning.

I heard footsteps descend down the stairs. They paused at the door. A part of me wanted to scream, to bang on the door and beg to be let out.

But I knew now. I knew that no matter how hard I banged no matter how loudly I shouted. No one would get me.

Another set of footsteps followed the previous and hushed but excited voices flowed through the cracks in the door.

I placed my ears on the door to listen.

The lust from the man’s voice was deep and raw, as was his partners. Talking, turned to kisses and images of their hot and steamy embrace flittered through my mind. A rush of warmth ran through my body and I sprang from the door as if it had burnt me.

I scuttled back over to the oil stain and continued to brush away at it with sad strokes.

13.11.18

He grabbed ahold of my hand and marched me forward.

He didn’t say a word to me the whole way there. The only sound came from our footsteps as we trudged along the path.

When we finally got there, he dropped my hand and looked at me.

His eyes bore into me like he was searching for something, but couldn’t quite find it.

We stood there in silence for what felt like hours, day; just lost in each other. Our eyes were doing the talking.

I saw pain inside of him, I wanted to tear him open and relieve him of it. I wanted to push the pain away. Make it stop.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Never removing his eyes from me.

His lips covered mine and then they were moving together. He tasted of mint and coffee, with faint hint of tobacco.

I wanted this kiss to go on forever, but as quickly as it started it was over.

He grabbed ahold of my hand again and we retraced our steps, back to the beginning.

As soon as we got back to the start he dropped my hand and walked off.

We became strangers. People who walked past each other in corridors.

He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.

But our eyes and lips told a different story.

08.10.18

Our finger tips grazed and I swear I felt bolts of lighting.

I could feel your eyes burning into me.

My heartbeat increased and my mouth went dry.

All I wanted was to be close to you. To let all my inhibitions go and let myself be with you.

But I couldn’t, the familiar wall that I built whenever someone got too close began to build up.

Fuck I screamed silently.

Why did this always happen?

Fighting the one sided battle that was playing out in my head, I began to walk away. The evening breeze tickling my face as I walked on.

Before I had even walked two steps your arms were around me. Your lips on mine.

Lightning and thunderbolts crashed throughout me.

I was on every cloud in the sky.

I wanted this to last forever. I never wanted you to move.

The tingles kept running through me.

My body betraying my mind.

I had wanted this for so long. We both had and now we were lost in the moment.

31.08.18

Our lips touched and I was transported to another place.

I was totally lost in him.

I had waited so long for this. He tasted like peaches and his lips were softer than velvet.

I edged my body closer to him and our kiss intensified. I didn’t want this to end. I could stay in his arms forever.

Imaginary music began to chime in my head. This was utter bliss.

Please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end.

He moved his mouth away from me and came up for air. My lipstick had stained his mouth and he looked like a clown.

I placed my thumb on his lips and attempted to rub it off.

I felt a longing rush through me and I edged myself closer to him. My breathe intensified as his kiss heated up.

My arms reached for him and I ran one along his back pressing his body into mine.

This was it. There was no going back.

19.08.18

My eyes weighed heavy underneath my eyelids.

I was not backing down, not this time.

He sat still in the corner, his face was resting on his palms.

I was not backing down.

We had never been this bad.

Words that hurt worse than fists, had been thrown.

I wanted to run to him, to put my arms around him. But I didn’t want to be the first one. It was always me who gave in first.

Not this time. Not now I knew how he really felt about me.

My head hurt and my eyes stung.

I got up, his head rose, his eyes asking questions that his mouth could not.

I walked past him into the darkness of the night.

Tonight would not be the night. I wouldn’t leave him tonight.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

15.05.16

Lauren’s hands entwined into mine, like how shoelaces bind shoes together.

It was weird how much of a perfect fit her hand was in mine. Like our hands were destined to be together.

She smelt like coconut and jasmine, a combination that you would never think would work, but on her it did. It was almost perfection.

She continued to sing, her voice hitting notes that she didn’t realise that she could reach, and the surprise in her eyes every time she met them amused me.

We were on borrowed time. But it felt like eternity whenever I was with her.

I bent my face down to meet with hers and lovingly kissed her forehead.

It was always her forehead and never her lips. Kissing on the lips was a no no. Once we did that there was no going back.

Something that was nothing more than innocent would be ruined. It would sour everything that we had.

So we stuck to forehead kisses and hand holding.

Stolen moments.

06.05.18

It was wrong and I knew it.

It wasn’t right at all, but the tug of doing something wrong was so strong and I couldn’t stop myself.

My hand reached out and touched his hand. As quick as it landed against his skin, I removed it, like a shock.

I swallowed hard, I had crossed the line. I was never coming back from this, there was no way I could turn back the clock.

I walked away from his desk and turned towards the window, my face burnt a shade of red.

I heard his breathe deepen as he approached me.

I stood still, not wanting to acknowledge what I had initiated, not wanting to confirm that I had made this moment happen.

He circled his arms around my waist and brought his body close to mine. I exhaled.

His breathe grew more and more ragged.

I felt his lips on my neck as he began to unbutton my shirt.

A glimmer from the sun caught on the metal of his wedding band.

I should stop him I thought to myself. It wasn’t to late to change my mind.

But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to stop.

From the very first moment that I saw him, I had wanted this moment to happen.

Shaking off the thoughts of doubt, I allowed myself to dissolve into him, as his hands continued to explore my body.