15.05.16

Lauren’s hands entwined into mine, like how shoelaces bind shoes together.

It was weird how much of a perfect fit her hand was in mine. Like our hands were destined to be together.

She smelt like coconut and jasmine, a combination that you would never think would work, but on her it did. It was almost perfection.

She continued to sing, her voice hitting notes that she didn’t realise that she could reach, and the surprise in her eyes every time she met them amused me.

We were on borrowed time. But it felt like eternity whenever I was with her.

I bent my face down to meet with hers and lovingly kissed her forehead.

It was always her forehead and never her lips. Kissing on the lips was a no no. Once we did that there was no going back.

Something that was nothing more than innocent would be ruined. It would sour everything that we had.

So we stuck to forehead kisses and hand holding.

Stolen moments.

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06.05.18

It was wrong and I knew it.

It wasn’t right at all, but the tug of doing something wrong was so strong and I couldn’t stop myself.

My hand reached out and touched his hand. As quick as it landed against his skin, I removed it, like a shock.

I swallowed hard, I had crossed the line. I was never coming back from this, there was no way I could turn back the clock.

I walked away from his desk and turned towards the window, my face burnt a shade of red.

I heard his breathe deepen as he approached me.

I stood still, not wanting to acknowledge what I had initiated, not wanting to confirm that I had made this moment happen.

He circled his arms around my waist and brought his body close to mine. I exhaled.

His breathe grew more and more ragged.

I felt his lips on my neck as he began to unbutton my shirt.

A glimmer from the sun caught on the metal of his wedding band.

I should stop him I thought to myself. It wasn’t to late to change my mind.

But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to stop.

From the very first moment that I saw him, I had wanted this moment to happen.

Shaking off the thoughts of doubt, I allowed myself to dissolve into him, as his hands continued to explore my body.

03.03.18

I hurry down the stairs. The hem of my dress sweeping the steps as I descend. I will definitely be reprimanded for this later.

As usual I am late, but this time I have a good excuse. So I’m not as scared as I usually am.

I continue down the stars, hitting the final step and bump hard into Lord Julian.

We both crash onto the floor.

A thousand sorries rush from my mouth.

“Steady as you go,” he says to me as he gets up, a glint in his eye.

“I’m sorry M’Lord,” I stutter again refraining eye contact. Mother always told me that you should never look a lord in the eye. That it wasn’t proper.

He holds his hand out to me. I freeze. What was happening? Why was he holding his hand out to me? This was not right.

“Take my hand My Lady,” he speaks softly.

“I cannot M’Lord,” I sputter back. “It is not proper.”

“You have fallen. It would not be proper of me, if I allowed a lady to remain fallen on the floor.”

“I am not a lady,” I say, my eyes sinking further into the floor.

“You look like a lady from where I’m standing,” he replies.

I look up in shock. He sees me as a lady? Confusion rushes through me.

He is looking at me. His eyes don’t move.

I try to move my own, but I am stuck. Transfixed by the deep pools of blue that are staring back at me.

His brows furrow and he looks away. The spell broken. Reality setting in.

He coughs and moves his hand.

My breathe gets caught in my throat and a deep sorrow rises from the pit deep inside of me.

I slowly get up and dust myself down.

He looks back at me, as if he wishes to say something else. But his words remain unspoken.

“I must go M’Lord,” I finally say, breaking through the silence.

“As you were,” he replies. His voice hardened.

I go to leave.

I turn my head around as I reach the door and look back at him.

His eyes are burning intently at me.

He steps forward, his hands reaching towards me.

“Ah Lord Julian, there you are,” says a voice, breaking through the intensity that has begun to rise between us. “Your father has asked you to join him in his study.”

“Yes of course. Thank you Charles.”

He turns to leave. But takes one last look at me and without moving his lips he tells me that this ‘thing’ between us is far from finished.

25.02.18

The sun beamed down on my hand and an orange glow emulated from my pinky finger, as I held up my phone to type my response.

The words flew from my finger tips so easily; how I wished I was this confident when I was in front of you.

You turned me from this strong confident self assured person to a weak stumbling mess.

Love or infatuation, I wasn’t too sure what it was.

All I knew was that whenever you were close. I wanted to draw you closer to me.

All five senses were heightened. All I wanted to do was touch you, smell you, taste you. Feel you.

You did something to me that was unexplainable. No one had ever made me feel the way that you did.

A smile rose on my face as your response appeared on my phone.

I rolled over onto my side. How I wished you were here.

I closed my eyes allowing my mind to take me to a place where it was just you and me. We floated to a plane where we were the only two in existence.

I felt your touch on my skin. Your lips on mine.

Ecstasy in the air.

My phone buzzed again bringing me back into reality.

Your words emblazing my phone.

I typed back my response, the heat rising from my body.

28.01.18

The rays from the sun brush at my eyelids forcing them to part.

Slowly I open them, my vision blurry at first.

I look over at you. You’re still asleep. I watch your chest rise and fall in a steady pattern.

I wonder what you’re dreaming about?

I take your hand and lace my fingers with yours. I want to be with you, both in the real world and in the world of dreams.

A smile flickers across your lips and then it’s gone.

There’s a sense of innocence about you. You seem so pure, so angel-like.

I move my body close to yours. Our faces are in line now. My nose touching your nose. I close my eyes allowing your breath to tickle my face as you exhale.

My mouth connects with yours. I part my lips, tugging at your bottom lip.

You come alive as you allow yourself to succumb to my kiss.

Your arm circles my waist drawing me in closer.

My eyes remain closed, I am lost in you.

The pressure of your lips on mine increases.

I run my leg up and down you, my breath becoming ragged.

In a swift movement, you flip me over so I am underneath you. Your body pressing down hard on me.

I open my eyes. You are staring intently at me. A wash of emotions, of love, pleasure and pain pierce into me.

I run my finger tip over the knuckles of your free hand before you clasp my hand in yours.

My heart hammers in my chest.

I am lost in you.

Next Steps

A little while back I let you all in on a dream, a dream that I’ve had since I was a little girl.

A dream that has never left me, even when there have been times where I occasionally believe I’m not worthy of pursung it and then give up on it!

If you want to remind yourself about this said dream have a lil looksy at this post.

Since I let you all into this dream that just won’t let go, what has happened?

Have I worked on ways to get closer to this dream? Have I acheived it?

Well, no, no I haven’t and it’s a mighty shame, because it was such a big step for me to open myself up to everyone like that. It felt like a major weight had been lifted of my shoulders and I felt like I was ready to take on the world.

I was able to take the leap (well slow creep) over the hurdle of ‘letting people know what my dream was and not be scared of allowing people in’. It was a really scary thing for me to do. so it’s really annoying to know that I haven’t been able to climb that next step in order to start living out my dream.

So what’s stopping me? What is stopping me from climbing that next step.

Fear.

That disgusting, self-destructive, mean inner feeling that stops you from reaching your potential.

So what do I have to be scared of? Why am I scared of doing something that I crave and have wanted to pursue for so long?

I have a fear of failing. I’m scared of people thinking I’m shit and that I’m not good enough.

Silly right? Why do I need validation from someone else, to prove that I have the right to live out my dream?

What I need to learn is how to be more fearless. To not have any worries or cares and do me!

Sometimes in life you have to be shameless. Remember not everyone will like you or what you do. You cannot please everyone and to be fair why should you!