31.08.18

Our lips touched and I was transported to another place.

I was totally lost in him.

I had waited so long for this. He tasted like peaches and his lips were softer than velvet.

I edged my body closer to him and our kiss intensified. I didn’t want this to end. I could stay in his arms forever.

Imaginary music began to chime in my head. This was utter bliss.

Please don’t end, please don’t end, please don’t end.

He moved his mouth away from me and came up for air. My lipstick had stained his mouth and he looked like a clown.

I placed my thumb on his lips and attempted to rub it off.

I felt a longing rush through me and I edged myself closer to him. My breathe intensified as his kiss heated up.

My arms reached for him and I ran one along his back pressing his body into mine.

This was it. There was no going back.

Advertisements

19.08.18

My eyes weighed heavy underneath my eyelids.

I was not backing down, not this time.

He sat still in the corner, his face was resting on his palms.

I was not backing down.

We had never been this bad.

Words that hurt worse than fists, had been thrown.

I wanted to run to him, to put my arms around him. But I didn’t want to be the first one. It was always me who gave in first.

Not this time. Not now I knew how he really felt about me.

My head hurt and my eyes stung.

I got up, his head rose, his eyes asking questions that his mouth could not.

I walked past him into the darkness of the night.

Tonight would not be the night. I wouldn’t leave him tonight.

18.07.18

The heat spread through me like wild fire. I had to get out of here and fast.

The tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to give them the benefit of seeing me like this.

I picked my bag up from the table and got up from my seat. Sienna lifted her hand to stop me, but the look I gave to her stopped her right in her tracks.

The oxygen was becoming thin and if I didn’t get out of here soon, I was going to burst.

I battled my way across the dance floor, frantically searching for the exit, my dress swept across the floor as I marched off.

How could he do this to me? This was so brutal even for him.

The cold air hit me as I finally reached the outside.

The tears that had been threatening to fall, began to fall and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I felt sick.

We were supposed to come here together, but instead here he was with her. Rubbing it in my face.

Anyone but her and I would be fine. Or so I told myself.

Why her I wined.

A shadow appeared above me. I knew that scent any where. I had gotten it for him every Christmas.

“Can we talk.”

I felt my insides melt.

With a sigh I moved my bag and allowed him to sit beside me.

I knew how this would end.

I never learnt.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

15.05.16

Lauren’s hands entwined into mine, like how shoelaces bind shoes together.

It was weird how much of a perfect fit her hand was in mine. Like our hands were destined to be together.

She smelt like coconut and jasmine, a combination that you would never think would work, but on her it did. It was almost perfection.

She continued to sing, her voice hitting notes that she didn’t realise that she could reach, and the surprise in her eyes every time she met them amused me.

We were on borrowed time. But it felt like eternity whenever I was with her.

I bent my face down to meet with hers and lovingly kissed her forehead.

It was always her forehead and never her lips. Kissing on the lips was a no no. Once we did that there was no going back.

Something that was nothing more than innocent would be ruined. It would sour everything that we had.

So we stuck to forehead kisses and hand holding.

Stolen moments.

06.05.18

It was wrong and I knew it.

It wasn’t right at all, but the tug of doing something wrong was so strong and I couldn’t stop myself.

My hand reached out and touched his hand. As quick as it landed against his skin, I removed it, like a shock.

I swallowed hard, I had crossed the line. I was never coming back from this, there was no way I could turn back the clock.

I walked away from his desk and turned towards the window, my face burnt a shade of red.

I heard his breathe deepen as he approached me.

I stood still, not wanting to acknowledge what I had initiated, not wanting to confirm that I had made this moment happen.

He circled his arms around my waist and brought his body close to mine. I exhaled.

His breathe grew more and more ragged.

I felt his lips on my neck as he began to unbutton my shirt.

A glimmer from the sun caught on the metal of his wedding band.

I should stop him I thought to myself. It wasn’t to late to change my mind.

But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to stop.

From the very first moment that I saw him, I had wanted this moment to happen.

Shaking off the thoughts of doubt, I allowed myself to dissolve into him, as his hands continued to explore my body.

03.03.18

I hurry down the stairs. The hem of my dress sweeping the steps as I descend. I will definitely be reprimanded for this later.

As usual I am late, but this time I have a good excuse. So I’m not as scared as I usually am.

I continue down the stars, hitting the final step and bump hard into Lord Julian.

We both crash onto the floor.

A thousand sorries rush from my mouth.

“Steady as you go,” he says to me as he gets up, a glint in his eye.

“I’m sorry M’Lord,” I stutter again refraining eye contact. Mother always told me that you should never look a lord in the eye. That it wasn’t proper.

He holds his hand out to me. I freeze. What was happening? Why was he holding his hand out to me? This was not right.

“Take my hand My Lady,” he speaks softly.

“I cannot M’Lord,” I sputter back. “It is not proper.”

“You have fallen. It would not be proper of me, if I allowed a lady to remain fallen on the floor.”

“I am not a lady,” I say, my eyes sinking further into the floor.

“You look like a lady from where I’m standing,” he replies.

I look up in shock. He sees me as a lady? Confusion rushes through me.

He is looking at me. His eyes don’t move.

I try to move my own, but I am stuck. Transfixed by the deep pools of blue that are staring back at me.

His brows furrow and he looks away. The spell broken. Reality setting in.

He coughs and moves his hand.

My breathe gets caught in my throat and a deep sorrow rises from the pit deep inside of me.

I slowly get up and dust myself down.

He looks back at me, as if he wishes to say something else. But his words remain unspoken.

“I must go M’Lord,” I finally say, breaking through the silence.

“As you were,” he replies. His voice hardened.

I go to leave.

I turn my head around as I reach the door and look back at him.

His eyes are burning intently at me.

He steps forward, his hands reaching towards me.

“Ah Lord Julian, there you are,” says a voice, breaking through the intensity that has begun to rise between us. “Your father has asked you to join him in his study.”

“Yes of course. Thank you Charles.”

He turns to leave. But takes one last look at me and without moving his lips he tells me that this ‘thing’ between us is far from finished.

25.02.18

The sun beamed down on my hand and an orange glow emulated from my pinky finger, as I held up my phone to type my response.

The words flew from my finger tips so easily; how I wished I was this confident when I was in front of you.

You turned me from this strong confident self assured person to a weak stumbling mess.

Love or infatuation, I wasn’t too sure what it was.

All I knew was that whenever you were close. I wanted to draw you closer to me.

All five senses were heightened. All I wanted to do was touch you, smell you, taste you. Feel you.

You did something to me that was unexplainable. No one had ever made me feel the way that you did.

A smile rose on my face as your response appeared on my phone.

I rolled over onto my side. How I wished you were here.

I closed my eyes allowing my mind to take me to a place where it was just you and me. We floated to a plane where we were the only two in existence.

I felt your touch on my skin. Your lips on mine.

Ecstasy in the air.

My phone buzzed again bringing me back into reality.

Your words emblazing my phone.

I typed back my response, the heat rising from my body.

28.01.18

The rays from the sun brush at my eyelids forcing them to part.

Slowly I open them, my vision blurry at first.

I look over at you. You’re still asleep. I watch your chest rise and fall in a steady pattern.

I wonder what you’re dreaming about?

I take your hand and lace my fingers with yours. I want to be with you, both in the real world and in the world of dreams.

A smile flickers across your lips and then it’s gone.

There’s a sense of innocence about you. You seem so pure, so angel-like.

I move my body close to yours. Our faces are in line now. My nose touching your nose. I close my eyes allowing your breath to tickle my face as you exhale.

My mouth connects with yours. I part my lips, tugging at your bottom lip.

You come alive as you allow yourself to succumb to my kiss.

Your arm circles my waist drawing me in closer.

My eyes remain closed, I am lost in you.

The pressure of your lips on mine increases.

I run my leg up and down you, my breath becoming ragged.

In a swift movement, you flip me over so I am underneath you. Your body pressing down hard on me.

I open my eyes. You are staring intently at me. A wash of emotions, of love, pleasure and pain pierce into me.

I run my finger tip over the knuckles of your free hand before you clasp my hand in yours.

My heart hammers in my chest.

I am lost in you.

Next Steps

A little while back I let you all in on a dream, a dream that I’ve had since I was a little girl.

A dream that has never left me, even when there have been times where I occasionally believe I’m not worthy of pursung it and then give up on it!

If you want to remind yourself about this said dream have a lil looksy at this post.

Since I let you all into this dream that just won’t let go, what has happened?

Have I worked on ways to get closer to this dream? Have I acheived it?

Well, no, no I haven’t and it’s a mighty shame, because it was such a big step for me to open myself up to everyone like that. It felt like a major weight had been lifted of my shoulders and I felt like I was ready to take on the world.

I was able to take the leap (well slow creep) over the hurdle of ‘letting people know what my dream was and not be scared of allowing people in’. It was a really scary thing for me to do. so it’s really annoying to know that I haven’t been able to climb that next step in order to start living out my dream.

So what’s stopping me? What is stopping me from climbing that next step.

Fear.

That disgusting, self-destructive, mean inner feeling that stops you from reaching your potential.

So what do I have to be scared of? Why am I scared of doing something that I crave and have wanted to pursue for so long?

I have a fear of failing. I’m scared of people thinking I’m shit and that I’m not good enough.

Silly right? Why do I need validation from someone else, to prove that I have the right to live out my dream?

What I need to learn is how to be more fearless. To not have any worries or cares and do me!

Sometimes in life you have to be shameless. Remember not everyone will like you or what you do. You cannot please everyone and to be fair why should you!