20.06.18

The bombings were getting closer.

I huddled near the bed with my little sister, under our makeshift fort. The top corner of my tshirt was soaked through by her tears.

I slowly stroked her head as her shoulders shook from crying.

I was scared but I tried my best to soothe her. To reassure her.

The sound of people screaming, lit up the night. The soundtrack of the past couple of hours.

It had come on so sudden. There had been no warning. No one had seen it coming.

I had always joked about it in the past. What I would do if it ever happened?

But I never believed it would.

It just seemed so outrageous, so unbelievable. So far fetched.

But I was wrong. It was happening right now and we were in the thick of it.

I closed my eyes and began to hum.

I rocked my sister in my arms, doing my best to keep her safe, as the sounds of bombings and screams played out around us.

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10.03.18

A voice shouted up from the garden breaking the tranquility I had set for my self.

Just my luck, I had only just closed my eyes.

The day had been long and tiring and all I had wanted to do at the end, was dive under my covers and meet the land of nod.

And now I had done just that I was woken up. Why didn’t people have consideration for others?

The shouting intensified and was joined by another voice.

A sick realisation slowly hit me, the voice did not belong to Dan. Neither did the other one.

I whipped back my bedcovers, alarm rising inside of me.

Who was in the garden?

The fear continued to grow as I crept across the floor to my window.

I slowly pulled back the curtain, but only enough so that I wouldn’t be spotted.

Two large dark figures were standing at the bottom of my garden.

My heart began to hammer in my chest.

The shouting had now stopped and they were walking towards the house.

My mouth began to dry.

I raced over to my phone and dialled Dan’s number. The phone trilled out. Of course he wouldn’t answer, he was on the other side of the world. He was probably stuck in meetings. And what would he be able to do for me?

I keyed 999 into my keypad and a bright and airy voice answered after two short rings.

“There are two strange men in my garden,” I stammered.

I gave my name and address and the voice advised that they would be sending a police officer to investigate.

I ended the call and looked back out the window. The figures had gone.

Were they in the house? I hadn’t heard any noises. The house was silent.

I scanned the room for places to hide. There was not enough space to fit under the bed and the cupboard was too small.

I thought back to the argument me and Dan had, had about getting a wardrobe fitted. How I wish that I had not given in and fought harder.

This was it. They were gonna find me and I was going to die.

There were so many things that I hadn’t done. So many things that I still wanted to experience.

I would plead with them to spare me. They could take anything, have everything. Nothing was worth more than my life.

The sound of footsteps brought me back into the present.

I stood still behind the door and held my breathe, waiting.

Next Steps

A little while back I let you all in on a dream, a dream that I’ve had since I was a little girl.

A dream that has never left me, even when there have been times where I occasionally believe I’m not worthy of pursung it and then give up on it!

If you want to remind yourself about this said dream have a lil looksy at this post.

Since I let you all into this dream that just won’t let go, what has happened?

Have I worked on ways to get closer to this dream? Have I acheived it?

Well, no, no I haven’t and it’s a mighty shame, because it was such a big step for me to open myself up to everyone like that. It felt like a major weight had been lifted of my shoulders and I felt like I was ready to take on the world.

I was able to take the leap (well slow creep) over the hurdle of ‘letting people know what my dream was and not be scared of allowing people in’. It was a really scary thing for me to do. so it’s really annoying to know that I haven’t been able to climb that next step in order to start living out my dream.

So what’s stopping me? What is stopping me from climbing that next step.

Fear.

That disgusting, self-destructive, mean inner feeling that stops you from reaching your potential.

So what do I have to be scared of? Why am I scared of doing something that I crave and have wanted to pursue for so long?

I have a fear of failing. I’m scared of people thinking I’m shit and that I’m not good enough.

Silly right? Why do I need validation from someone else, to prove that I have the right to live out my dream?

What I need to learn is how to be more fearless. To not have any worries or cares and do me!

Sometimes in life you have to be shameless. Remember not everyone will like you or what you do. You cannot please everyone and to be fair why should you!