25.12.18

My eyes felt heavy as the day began to draw to a close.

I felt full and happy. Stuffed on turkey and all the trimmings. What a day. Surrounded by family and food. What other way was there to spend Christmas?

My feet were more than doggone tired but I would survive.

For one day of the year I could forget about all the woes that were constantly running about my head and just be happy.

Happy, a word that I would never thought I would ever use to describe myself. But here I was basking in all its glory.

The corner of my eye spied the chocolate log that I hadn’t yet eaten; to give into temptation or not to give into temptation? Now that was the question.

It took me all of one second to make my decision.

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19.11.18

Most of the time my head feels like it’s stuck in a cloud of fog. It’s heavy, weighted down by worry after worry after worry.

I’m a prisoner shackled to doubt.

I want to break through. I want to be brave.

My feet edge closer to the sea. The sand feels hot under my heels. My eyes are closed.

The sun beats down on me and the sounds of the waves guide me. One more step and I’ve made it. The water pools around my ankles and I open my eyes.

I turn around and scan around the beach for you. When I finally locate you a feel a tingle run through me. This is happiness. This is a moment that I will store forever in my memory banks, and pull out when time doesn’t feel that good.

When even the sun itself can’t gage a smile from me. When the envelopment of a duvet is more appealing than getting up and facing the day. I look back to moments like this and they make me feel almost human again.

They remind me that this is not forever. That the storm will come to an end.

I lock eyes with you and your smile draws me back to the shore.

15.12.18

The icy wind brushed my cheeks and I opened my eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of winter.

I loved winter, I loved the harsh bite of cold as it blew its icy breath across the land. I didn’t even mind the cold toes and fingertips every now and again. It was a reminder that I was still alive.

A smile slowly crawled across my face as I took in the scene. It was a frosty morning and the lawn was covered in a frozen blanket. Cold but not cold enough for snow.

I pulled my dressing gown closer around me and stepped outside. I closed my eyes again and inhaled some more of that good cold winter air.

Yes this was the stuff that mornings like this were made for. As the icy air made its way through my lungs, I began to feel reborn and rejuvenated.

A warmth of happiness swept through me, starting at the base of my spine and working it’s way up until I felt myself basking in its glow. My smile bigger than ever.

Yes, I was a winter baby through and through.

06.11.18

The gum had gotten hard, but I continued to bite down on it.

I was going to stay here all night. I had staying power. This was nothing. I would stand here all fucking week if I had too.

Nothing was gonna stop me.

Not sleep, not lack of food, not even the need to go to the toilet. I was a warrior, a champ of all champions. There was no way I was moving, no way at all.

I had never really had much. I worked hard for everything I owned like most people. I deserved this. I deserved to be here.

I wasn’t giving up now, I had worked way to hard to get here and a little belly rumble was not going to stop me, no siree-Bob!

Determination was my middle name.

The sun began to peek through the dark sky, as night slowly turned into day. The sound of yawns echoed around me.

I had done it, I had survived the first night. I had proven myself. I felt fulfilled and accomplished. They were sure to accept me now.

29.08.18

The stars twinkled above me and the butterflies fluttered away inside my stomach.

A warm wave flowed within me.

I was happy.

It had been through it all and now finally I could smile again.

Dom picked up the bottle and poured me another glass. Why was he so wonderful?

I had never experienced love like this before. It was so foreign to me. I kept waiting for things to go wrong; constantly looking for red flags.

But of course I never found anything. He was pure perfection.

Why couldn’t I just allow myself to be happy?I had to stop thinking that there was an agenda behind everything.

I looked back at the Eiffel Tower basking in all of its glory. This felt like something out of a rom com.

I had always wanted to come to Paris and now I was finally here. With the man of my dreams.

I closed my eyes as I bring my glass to my lips, the aroma of the wine danced across of senses as I inhaled.

This was a night to remember.

24.07.18

Memories came crashing through me like waves.

Years and years of me, piled up into boxes. All heading to the bin. They had to go, there was no space for them anymore.

It was time to let go. They had spent time in a darkness. Growing older as I grew older. Both of us forgetting the other.

I had lived so long without them, that I didn’t think about them anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It was so easy to let go now. So easy for me to pack up the years of happiness and sadness into black bags.

I was ready to be free of them.

It was time to move on. I didn’t need the physical, to remember what had once gone before. I didn’t need them as proof of days long gone. I was living proof of those memories.

They bounced and vibrated through me, the building blocks of my now existence.

I thanked them for all they had done. But it was time.

I tied the last black bag and sat down with a smile.

This wasn’t goodbye. This was an opening for new memories to be made.

21.07.18

snowThe snow crunched under my boot.

There was no better feeling than the soft crunch of newly fallen snow, under your feet.

I loved snow. It was my favourite element of them all.

I could stand in a snow storm forever, it had such a calming affect on me. I felt at ease whenever I was surrounded by it. I felt reborn.

I must have been around seven when I first fell in love. I remember it was snowing heavy outside and I couldn’t wait to go and explore. As soon as mum said it was okay, I ran outside and just stood there in awe. I  opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out, allowing a snowflake to melt on my tongue. I was mesmerised.

It was magical experience.

Snow was everything to me.

I yearned for it whenever it left. Whenever its icy jewels melted from existence, it took a piece of me and that piece only returned when it came back.

I was a snow baby.

A queen of ice.

It was only fitting that on my last day here, that there would be snowfall.

I sat down on the bench and closed my eyes. I felt at peace now.

I was ready.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

23.06.18

Laughter, stops me from crying.

If I stop laughing I start crying and there is no way I want to start crying.

I don’t want you to win.

I don’t want you to think that you’ve affected me.

I push your words away from me, so they are nothing more than a bobbing boat far across the sea.

I am stronger than anything that you can ever say to me.

I keep laughing until it becomes real.

When glee warms my heart instead of anger and sadness.

I’m so much stronger that I give myself credit for.

I am a warrior in this war. I will overcome you. I will make you see that the power that you believe you hold over me is nonexistent.

I live for me and no one else.

No one else will profit from me besides me.

The decisions that are made in regards to me, will be made by me.

I am… me.

17.06.18

sunset person love people

Absentee.

Not there.

Not worth the oxygen.

Just another day.

Nothing to see here.

Nothing to celebrate.

The yearning to be loved, is worse than a battle wound.

Why don’t you love me I want to scream! I need an answer, but do I really want one?

The days of me wanting anything from you, are now nothing more than a thought swept away by winds long since gone.

I am more than your name.

I have flipped it and made it my own.

Though your image may be reflected in me, I am not you.

I am not yours.

I have become something much more than you will ever know.

Grown strong, without any of your nourishment.

A completed person, with no influence from you.

Does it make you feel shame to know that I’m here?

That I’m alive and you have had no input.

Do you think of me when you close your eyes and when you wake?

I don’t.

You are nothing to me.

Just a name that sometimes comes up in conversations.

A faceless being.

So I raise my glass and make a toast.

Happy Father’s Day to me.