29.08.18

The stars twinkled above me and the butterflies fluttered away inside my stomach.

A warm wave flowed within me.

I was happy.

It had been through it all and now finally I could smile again.

Dom picked up the bottle and poured me another glass. Why was he so wonderful?

I had never experienced love like this before. It was so foreign to me. I kept waiting for things to go wrong; constantly looking for red flags.

But of course I never found anything. He was pure perfection.

Why couldn’t I just allow myself to be happy?I had to stop thinking that there was an agenda behind everything.

I looked back at the Eiffel Tower basking in all of its glory. This felt like something out of a rom com.

I had always wanted to come to Paris and now I was finally here. With the man of my dreams.

I closed my eyes as I bring my glass to my lips, the aroma of the wine danced across of senses as I inhaled.

This was a night to remember.

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24.07.18

Memories came crashing through me like waves.

Years and years of me, piled up into boxes. All heading to the bin. They had to go, there was no space for them anymore.

It was time to let go. They had spent time in a darkness. Growing older as I grew older. Both of us forgetting the other.

I had lived so long without them, that I didn’t think about them anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It was so easy to let go now. So easy for me to pack up the years of happiness and sadness into black bags.

I was ready to be free of them.

It was time to move on. I didn’t need the physical, to remember what had once gone before. I didn’t need them as proof of days long gone. I was living proof of those memories.

They bounced and vibrated through me, the building blocks of my now existence.

I thanked them for all they had done. But it was time.

I tied the last black bag and sat down with a smile.

This wasn’t goodbye. This was an opening for new memories to be made.

21.07.18

snowThe snow crunched under my boot.

There was no better feeling than the soft crunch of newly fallen snow, under your feet.

I loved snow. It was my favourite element of them all.

I could stand in a snow storm forever, it had such a calming affect on me. I felt at ease whenever I was surrounded by it. I felt reborn.

I must have been around seven when I first fell in love. I remember it was snowing heavy outside and I couldn’t wait to go and explore. As soon as mum said it was okay, I ran outside and just stood there in awe. I  opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out, allowing a snowflake to melt on my tongue. I was mesmerised.

It was magical experience.

Snow was everything to me.

I yearned for it whenever it left. Whenever its icy jewels melted from existence, it took a piece of me and that piece only returned when it came back.

I was a snow baby.

A queen of ice.

It was only fitting that on my last day here, that there would be snowfall.

I sat down on the bench and closed my eyes. I felt at peace now.

I was ready.

12.07.18

seaI’m lost in the sea of you. You are more than perfection to me.

Who was I before you came into my life?

I was floating around in the wilderness, without any direction. Running around in circles, chasing the shadows of the lies I had told myself I needed. You were the rescue boat that breathed the spark back into me.

Being with you is indescribable, you make me feel as if I am the most beautiful person in the world. A word, that I had never before thought to describe myself by. Now I see myself in the way that you see me. I am beautiful. I am special. I am desirable.

I am a force to quake beneath. So much untapped power lies inside of me and slowly, bit by bit, your key is slowly releasing my essence.

You make me feel invincible, like I can takeover the world, that anything is possible.

I’m so lost in you, without you life is a tangled web of bleakness. With you came colour and light within a world distilled in greyness.

With you there is excitement, there is joy, there is fun.

You love me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. Every day is a new and refreshing experience. Before you, I never knew that love could be like this.

Warmth, safety, peace and happiness. Things I feel when I’m in your arms. I want to lay with you forever. Arms wrapped around each other, legs entwined. Holding on tight as if this was the final day.

My love for you grows deeper with every breath.

I long for your touch, your kiss, the way you stare intently into my eyes. The shivers that run through my body, when our bodies connect, skin to skin, the waves of passion that ripple through us, the heights that our souls reach.

I belong to you and you belong to me. Nothing can ever come close to the love that we share.

You were the awakening I needed, when I fell into a deep sleep. You brought me back to life.

23.06.18

Laughter, stops me from crying.

If I stop laughing I start crying and there is no way I want to start crying.

I don’t want you to win.

I don’t want you to think that you’ve affected me.

I push your words away from me, so they are nothing more than a bobbing boat far across the sea.

I am stronger than anything that you can ever say to me.

I keep laughing until it becomes real.

When glee warms my heart instead of anger and sadness.

I’m so much stronger that I give myself credit for.

I am a warrior in this war. I will overcome you. I will make you see that the power that you believe you hold over me is nonexistent.

I live for me and no one else.

No one else will profit from me besides me.

The decisions that are made in regards to me, will be made by me.

I am… me.

17.06.18

sunset person love people

Absentee.

Not there.

Not worth the oxygen.

Just another day.

Nothing to see here.

Nothing to celebrate.

The yearning to be loved, is worse than a battle wound.

Why don’t you love me I want to scream! I need an answer, but do I really want one?

The days of me wanting anything from you, are now nothing more than a thought swept away by winds long since gone.

I am more than your name.

I have flipped it and made it my own.

Though your image may be reflected in me, I am not you.

I am not yours.

I have become something much more than you will ever know.

Grown strong, without any of your nourishment.

A completed person, with no influence from you.

Does it make you feel shame to know that I’m here?

That I’m alive and you have had no input.

Do you think of me when you close your eyes and when you wake?

I don’t.

You are nothing to me.

Just a name that sometimes comes up in conversations.

A faceless being.

So I raise my glass and make a toast.

Happy Father’s Day to me.

 

05.06.18

interior of office building

The heat began to spread up my legs, if I didn’t get out of here soon I would lose consciousness. The air was beginning to get thinner and the lack of oxygen was really messing with my thinking.

This really wasn’t a great idea. In fact it was the suckiest of sucky ideas! Why the hell did I always get dragged into doing things I really didn’t want to do?

Because I was a sucker, and as always, I always went along with what everyone else said, because my voice was never strong enough.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I went to kick the edge of the wall, but Cameron’s hand reached out to stop it before it made contact.

He pushed a finger to his lips indicating that I remained silent.

I bowed my head to stop him from seeing the deep shade of crimson that was beginning to form on my cheeks.

He removed his hand from my leg and moved his ear back to the door.

I could still feel the sensation of his hand on my leg. I felt giddy inside. Cameron had actually touched me. His actual hand had been in contact with my body.

I felt like a kid in a candy store, all awash with excitement.

He turned back to look at us, made a signal with his hand, the same hand that had not so long ago been on my leg and opened the door.

It was time.

31.05.18

Calm. Peaceful.

This is the first time in a long time that I’m alone. The house is empty and the kids are gone.

No more doors opening and closing, hushed voices up to no good, footsteps running up and down the stairs.

I am really alone.

What does one do in this situation?

Do I kick back on the sofa with a glass of wine like they do on the telly?

I’ve never really been a wine person if I’m really honest, so that doesn’t seem like a me kind of thing.

Maybe I might just plonk myself in front of the idiot box and order something in.

But then that be a waste of a night.

Maybe I should go out?

But that involves getting back up, putting a bra on and applying a lot of slap, that I’ll have to take off once I get back in and I for one do not want to wake up with panda eyes. They are never forgiving on the pillows.

I guess I’ll just go with plan A and order in. I’ll make sure I get a massive chocolate cake too, so that I can eat it with that tub of ice cream I managed to hide deep down in the freezer. Happy days.

Tonight is going to be a blast.

25.05.18

My hand ran through the grass. I was in utter bliss.

All I wanted to do was lie here forever, with the sun beating down on me.

All my struggles were lost in the wind. I was happy.

Why couldn’t I stay here forever.

A shadow formed over me, blocking the rays of the sun.

It was George.

I took off my shades to scold him.

His big gummy smile beamed down on me.

I couldn’t be mad at him. I sat up and scooped him into my arms. He giggled.

I lived to hear him laugh. It made my heart beat.

To think this ball of sunshine had once lived inside of me.

They say that a mother’s love was the most strongest love, just looking at my son I knew that was true.

26.04.18

I feel warm. It’s kinda fuzzy. It’s a strange feeling. Something that I don’t usually feel.

It’s almost as if I have a small yellow ball growing inside of me.

Is this happiness? Is this what it means to be happy?

It’s such a foreign experience for me.

It feels strange. Like it doesn’t belong.

I think I like it. I’m not sure.

I feel giddy. Like I’m a child again. Sitting on the swing singing Madonna songs at the top of my lungs.

I don’t want it to stop. I want to close my eyes and remain in its embrace.

I feel safe.

At home.