12.06.18

Recovery.

Was slow and long.

Why couldn’t it be faster than this? Yes I knew that I had experienced a major trauma, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to live like normal.

Be who I was before this.

I was sick of listening to people telling me to slow down. Maybe I didn’t want to slow down.

Maybe I wanted to speed up because I wanted my life back!

All I wanted to do was scream and shout at everyone. To tell them to leave me alone.

But what good would that do?

It wouldn’t make me stronger. It wouldn’t make me, me again.

Recovery was slow and long.

But it was worth it.

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11.06.18

Contempt.

That is all I feel for you now.

All I see is a smug narcissistic waste of a man that sucks the souls of those that mean the most to me.

A word stronger that hate would not be good enough for you.

You’re the worst kind of person. You are the devil walking around.

You think you’re respectable and that you have your feet firmly under the table, but we all laugh at you when you’re not around.

You are the butt of all our jokes.

To think at your big age you’re still moving around like your a small boy.

Your own children don’t respect you.

Your wife is sick and tired too.

Why are you even still here.

You don’t deserve the air that I breath, so I’m gon

10.06.18

broken heart love sad

He walked over to her and bent down, his eyes crinkled and he threw back his head and laughed.

I felt that familiar wave pour through my body.

When I first met him, I found that laugh nothing more than nerdy; but now it was all I wanted to hear. Whenever he was near I felt safe, I felt at home.

My heart pined for him. This was so strange. How had this happened?

I was kicking myself now, why hadn’t I just tried?

He had poured his heart out to me and I had flat out rejected him.

This was my punishment.

It wasn’t my fault; I had always wanted to have that love at first sight spark. You know the one, your heart beats fast, your cheeks flush and your brain melts. It was so typical that for all of the years that I had been alive, I had never felt it.

Maybe it was a lie, made up by fairy tale makers to lure girls into a false dream and keep yearning for something that would never happen.

He looked over at me and gave me a smile, a smile that screamed I love you like a sister; I smiled back whilst slowly dying.

I should have let my guard down. I should have let my guard down and let him into my heart.

But instead I clammed up and here I was, silently crying that he had moved on.

09.06.18

It was unhealthy. It was so unhealthy.

I wanted to scream at her, run at her and shake her shoulders.

Why don’t you love me? What’s wrong with me? Why do you despise me so much?

I was never a part of her plan.

A child when she was still a child. She couldn’t afford to keep me so I went to live with a friend of her mother’s, whilst she worked three jobs to keep me in food and clothes.

Maybe that’s when our bond broke. She never really got the chance to mother me.

Someone else was my mother. The place in our hearts where each of us should’ve belonged, was empty.

We were strangers bound by blood.

When she was finally able to stand on her two feet, I went to live with her. But by then it was too late. The damage had already set in and what was supposed to have been, was lost forever.

Two became three, then four, then five and six. The link fraying, as more and more people come in between our love until, it was frayed so much that it that it appeared broken.

I was no longer hers and she was no longer mine.

We drifted along together down the same stream, but in different directions.

The love that I never knew from her, if there had ever even really been love, had all but disappeared.

I was thrust out into the world, alone and afraid.

Unwanted.

08.05.18

Being with him had truly put things into perspective.

I knew that I was so much better than what I actually believed I was. Stronger than I knew.

I had allowed him to prey on my insecurities for the last time. He would no longer have the hold he so cruelly used on me again.

I smiled to myself as I placed the last item of clothing in my bag and began to close it.

It was ironic, here I was closing the final chapter of my life with him and I was happier than I had ever been.

I lifted the bag up from the bed, it was lighter than I had thought it would be. But I was only leaving with the clothes I had arrived in, so it wasn’t that surprising.

Nothing he bought me would leave with me. I was going back to the girl I used to be. I was no longer the girl that he had moulded me into.

I was escaping. My shoes tapped along the long stone corridor.

The door to my freedom was in my sights.

No looking back I said to myself.

I reached the door and my hand reached out to the handle.

I paused, my heart hammered in my chest.

I dashed out all of the worries that were beginning to formulate in my head.

“You can do this,” I said in a small breathy whisper.

Slowly my hand turned the handle and the door opened.

Freedom greeted me with a smile and I stepped outside.

07.06.18

nature summer yellow animal

I had never felt as angry as I did now.

Who did she think she was?

My blood was boiling, my feet were burning. All I wanted to do was slap the shit out of her, but I wouldn’t give her the benefit of making me be the bitch in this situation.

No way would I do that.

No way would I allow her to have any sort of power over me.

I’d rather fall off a cliff than allow that.

I walked away, and sat down and smiled back at her. My lips were saying “yeah this is cool”, but my eyes told a different story.

This would be the last time that I ever allow her to make me feel this way.

This would be the last time her smug little face would look in my direction and not feel fear.

I kept staring at her until her eyes began to buckle under the pressure of my own and she looked away.

Success, I had won the battle today. But the war was far from over. The challenge now was to keep on winning.

06.06.18

That slow burn of I can’t be bothered trickled into my system.

It had been such a long time since I heard from it, that it felt like a stranger. I didn’t recognise it when it first showed up, but then the familiar pangs that had once plagued me so much in the past began to appear.

To be honest, it had been a long day of doing nothing and I really felt like I just couldn’t be arsed to get up.

And what was wrong with that?

I was only human and it was a human response to want to be lazy every now and then.

Who was I to judge me?

But then again I had been on such a great streak. Why mess it up now when I had felt so proud of myself for continuing on.

Sighing I got myself up.

I guess it was better to try, than to feel bad for not even attempting.

05.06.18

interior of office building

The heat began to spread up my legs, if I didn’t get out of here soon I would lose consciousness. The air was beginning to get thinner and the lack of oxygen was really messing with my thinking.

This really wasn’t a great idea. In fact it was the suckiest of sucky ideas! Why the hell did I always get dragged into doing things I really didn’t want to do?

Because I was a sucker, and as always, I always went along with what everyone else said, because my voice was never strong enough.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I went to kick the edge of the wall, but Cameron’s hand reached out to stop it before it made contact.

He pushed a finger to his lips indicating that I remained silent.

I bowed my head to stop him from seeing the deep shade of crimson that was beginning to form on my cheeks.

He removed his hand from my leg and moved his ear back to the door.

I could still feel the sensation of his hand on my leg. I felt giddy inside. Cameron had actually touched me. His actual hand had been in contact with my body.

I felt like a kid in a candy store, all awash with excitement.

He turned back to look at us, made a signal with his hand, the same hand that had not so long ago been on my leg and opened the door.

It was time.

04.06.18

Leon looked down at the sea of faces in front of him. People were speaking in low hushed conversations.

He felt his heart race under his skin.

Was this the right decision?

He felt like he had been backed into a corner and there was no escape.

It was way too late now.

He should have said something earlier. If he said something now then feelings would be hurt.

But wasn’t it better to tell the truth now, and allow time to heal wounds.

It was better to tell the truth instead of live a lie. The truth would always come out.

He swallowed a tight ball of saliva.

The music started up and she stepped into his sight.

Everything that he felt before flew out the window.

She looked incredible.

He felt his emotions bubble go the surface and tried to stop himself from crying.

03.06.18

I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong.

Everyone seemed so shiny and here I was a full shade of grey. And not that type of grey that was all the range now. A deep rusty sort of grey.

People were milling around the room talking to each other and sipping on expensive glasses of drink.

Oh how I wished the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

Why oh why had I agreed to come to this shit?

I will be a lot of fun, Tomi had whispered in my ears, excitement brimming with every word that left her mouth.

It was so hard to say no to her when she was in this type of mood. It was so rare that she was ever that upbeat, so of course I indulged her and went along with it, allowing her to sign me up.

But now I was here, oh how I wished I could step into a time machine, fiddle around with some buttons and erase my answer yes and replace it with a no.

A guy with thicker frames than mine, began a bee line towards me.

I gulped, was he really walking towards me? Or was there a slimmer, hotter, blonder someone behind me?

I turned to look around and came face to face with the grey wall.

Nope, it was me.

“Hi,” said thick glasses frame as he finally came to a stop.

“Hi,” I murmured back, from behind my wine glass.