I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean and that someone rescues me but then drops me back in and then rescues me and drops me back in again and again. Over and over.
Spluttering and gasping for air. Over and over again.
Wanting help but never finding it. Searching for a way to end the suffering that I never asked for.
This is my cry for help. This is me shouting at the top of my lungs, that I need help.
I have never felt more lost than I have now. Or maybe I have. Maybe I’ve felt worse than this before, but I shut it so deep down that I forgot and it’s not even a distant memory anymore.
I used to have days when I would wake up and happiness would spread all around me. Wrapping me up in a cocoon of love and joy. I felt safe. I felt worthwhile.
I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
My eyes are a constant red, bloodshot from hours and hours of crying. Constant bad thoughts drip dropping inside of my head.
I need help.
When will there be a day when I can truly be happy? When will there be a day when I’m not constantly battling with myself? Thoughts of me dying frequent me way too often then I would like.
I want to live I squeak. I want to experience great things. But the black smog stifles my words, it stops me from getting them out.
I need help.
I long for it to leave me, my constant unwanted companion. It sits on my chest, squeezing every essence of joy out of me.
It robbed me of my smile and every time I ask for it back, it laughs at me. At least it gets to laugh. Real laughter has not visited me for years. I’m so used to laughing fake laughs that they have become part of me.
I need help.
I want to shout it again. I want everyone to hear me. See that behind this mask that lies to everyone that I’m okay, that I’m alright; I’m really not. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long long time.
I need someone to guide me home. Help the me that is wondering around out there, lost and confused and just wanting to come back.
The me that once saw a destination further than the end of the rainbow.
That me, wants to come home. So please if anyone can hear me.
I need help.