11.11.18

The water soothed my body, slowly kissing the bruises and massaging my aching muscles.

I lay back, allowing my head to sink deeper and deeper into the water, until it covered everything except for the tip of my nose.

My body began to struggle as the oxygen inside, began to run out and the need for more became immediate.

I crashed up from the water’s depths, droplets fell from my skin as I gasped for air.

My eyes still stung from crying.

I was hurting and I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make it stop.

I wasn’t used to this. I was always the one on control, now I wasn’t.

My body had been used as someone else’s tool, an instrument for another. Unwanted hands strummed on my strings, music that I ask for played out.

I laid back down, my head floated. My face above water this time.

I wanted to escape to drift off somewhere else. Be someone else, but I couldn’t. This was my reality now.

I lay there until the water turned from hot to cold. My skin pruning. Was this still my body? Did it still belong to me?

Questions that I couldn’t answer. Questions that needed an answer.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I wanted to smash everything up. Set fire to it all. Watch the world burn and keep on burning.

But I was stuck, stuck in this bath, with a body that was no longer mine. Wishing for an end to all this pain.

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