I don’t want to do the things that humans usually do or want to do. I don’t want to laugh and I don’t want to cry.
I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even to myself. I just want to lay in the cocoon that is my bed and watch back to back episodes of nothing.
I don’t want to bath, I don’t want to clean my teeth. I don’t want to change my underwear, I don’t want to wash my face. I just want to lay here listening to the steady drum of my heartbeat.
I haven’t combed my hair in weeks.
Sometimes I dream that I’m on a beach, the sun beats down on me, a slight breeze wraps itself around me as I walk towards the water. I feel the sand crumble under my feet, I can feel every grain.
The coolness of the water is the first thing that I can sense. I want to wade all the way in until it takes over me.
Instead I stop when the water is ankle height. I inhale the saltiness. I close my eyes and envision myself as a mermaid, but when I open my eyes I’m face to face with the mould splattered grey wall that greets me every morning after my 4 hours of sleep.